The biggest change for me is laying down 'having a baby'. This was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I prayed for a long time about being able to do this, but I never could. It has certainly been a process, and I won't say that my desire is gone. For several years having a baby has consumed my life - almost like an obsession - I didn't obsess openly about it much, but in my heart I certainly did - as well as in my mind. My life's dream has been to be a mom. I realized, as oddly as this sounds, that when Winston died (my chocolate sharpei baby) that my identity was wrapped up in being a mom. God showed me that this wasn't true - being a mom was outside of my identity (not meaning I wouldn't be a mom - but moreso that doesn't define who I am). I got it at that point, and there was freedom in that. However, most recently as I was struggling with laying this down, I really went through some serious depression. I finally had the revelation that the root of this depression was the fact that I felt if I wasn't a mom I had no purpose in life. Purpose and Identity are really closely related, yet not the same. Once I figured out that I had tied purpose to having children, it really made me examine what my purpose is. Somewhere in the midst of miscarriages and sadness and trying desperately to have a baby, I lost my joy for life.
Sidestepping for a moment, my false identities (brought on by others and myself) have been beauty and intelligence. Those were the only two things that ever made me feel accepted. Imagine how I felt as I gained a butt load of weight after giving up cigarettes - fat and rejected. As for being intelligent - I got slapped in the face with that also - for not doing what others deemed I should be doing. I went through a long period of feeling shame. Finally, God showed me (and more importantly, I was able to receive it) what my real identity is in Christ. It is my heart - the very thing that has been stomped on and crushed by so many people dear to me my entire life. Wow - that made so much sense. It was the ploy of the enemy to get me to close up my heart, and it worked for a LONG time. I really have gotten off track here - so I will try to jump back on track :)
Let's go back to purpose - I had to really seek God on what my true purpose is. Of course it has to do with my identity - my heart. I've been so unconnected for so long - I have had no outlet. A lot of that ties back to old church wounds and not feeling like church is a safe place because I was really rejected there - taught that I had no value except to serve like Cinderella (which wasn't that different from the rest of my life). I figured out that I needed to find the right church and get connected. Through another process I found Midtown Church online - then realized it was where my nephew is the Worship Leader. We went the very next Sunday, and we loved it. The odd thing was I was manifesting left and right - I could feel my flesh just oozing out of control. God showed me the next day it was because of those old church wounds that I mentioned above.
To (hopefully) tie everything together I have laid down my obsession with having a baby. I am a mom - I have children in heaven - one day I will be with them. I may not be a mom on earth, and I am okay with that if that is God's will for my life. I do still hope for children, but it no longer consumes me - it is truly in God's hands.
I am hopeful again and feel joy. My heart is for people to heal and know their real identity in Christ. I can't tell you how much freedom that brings to your life, and that freedom brings a joy like you have never experienced. It is the joy that Christ meant for us to have. I trust that God will lead me to the right places to fulfill my purpose.
On another note I am finally losing the weight. I had lost most of it at one point and then gained it back through a series of bad events (emotional eating). I didn't feel the will to lose it again, and honestly, I think I had to be in a healthy place before I started this weight loss journey again. It is so much easier (from a mental perspective) when I don't think that my weight or looks define me. I am able to take my time and lose the weight in a healthy way without depriving myself. It is not performance based because I'm trying to attain acceptance. It is just for me because I want to do it.
I guess that's enough for today :)
