I went to my annual 'girl' appointment this morning - that will definitely tell you that you've hit 40. I think I was doing pretty well with it until this morning. I won't go into details, but all of the extra junk you have to have tested because of that magic number sucks!
It really didn't help me that my appointment fell during PMS week - I was overly emotional. I guess going to the doctor reminded me of my miscarriages and loss - something I have been struggling with even more since that magic number appeared. I could hear a lady in the next room that had just had a baby discussing life with my doctor. That made my heart hurt. I literally sat in my room praying that I wouldn't lose it until I left because I could feel the tears welling up. I think I realized on the way home that the magic number was causing me to feel like I had to give up hope - and giving up hope was even more painful than anything else - without hope there is nothing. As I was leaving the doctor's office, I saw a lady and her husband - they both looked to be mid 40s. She was very pregnant. That struck me funny - I thought - wow look at her - why am I giving up hope - what is wrong with me? Giving up hope isn't intentional, mind you. I guess it is just a deep hurt in my heart that makes me feel so weary and void of all strength to dream and long for my babies to be. I read a Word this morning that said something about being off track and not to worry because God would steer us back in the right direction. I discarded it because I didn't think it really applied to me, but as I was leaving the doctor's office and driving home, I was reminded of that Word. I think I have been off track with my heart, and I shouldn't be giving up hope. Now I can see this big, dark cloud that I have been under - for what seems like years. I don't know where it originated, but I do know that all of the negative comments I have heard over the years have only made it darker. I didn't realize that I hung on to those things. I feel like I am at the end of the dark cloud - granted I'm still under it. I pray that God will show me how to run ahead of it and never look back. It may be that He just removes it...we will see as it will happen in His timing.
This has been such a hard year on so many levels, but it has also been incredibly freeing on deep levels, and for that I am thankful!
Will post more as the cloud evaporates :)
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