When I started praying about this today I definitely went through a strange path to get to the truth. At first I started thinking I needed Chuck to be more of a man (total lie from the pit). I got discouraged wondering if our marriage would ever be what it should be from an emotional/intimacy standpoint. Then I realized that God was doing something, and God has been doing things. I knew that God put us together and that our marriage was sacred. I also realized that things would be what they are supposed to be - God has always been faithful.
To backtrack a little (well, actually quite a lot) - I started dating my first real love, Jeff Moore, when I was 15 years old. I was so head over heels in love with him (as you always are with your first love). He was 18 at the time. We broke up after a year of going steady. He was in college, and I was in high school, and he needed his freedom. Boy was my heart broken. It took me a year before I could move on from him. Jeff was an incredible first boyfriend - he was a total gift from God. I knew that he had been physical with other women before me, but he never tried anything physical with me (beyond kissing). He was always the perfect gentleman and treated me with so much love and respect. I am so thankful for him. As I look back, all of my friends were being physical in some form or another with their boyfriends. I often got chided for my lack of participation in sexual activities.
I often wondered what happened to Jeff. I had long since moved away from home, and I had no idea where he was. I really wanted to tell him thank you and how I appreciated him - our time together had a lasting impact on me. In November of 2008 I came across one of his best friends on facebook. I was so excited! I asked him if he was still in touch with Jeff. His response left me heart broken. He told me that Jeff had ended his life in August the year before (2007). He had been through a really rough time (which I won't go into detail about out of respect for him). I was crushed that he went through the things he did, and I was even more crushed to hear that he was made to feel like he had nothing left to live for. The world is now missing a wonderful man.
Since finding out his fate, I have had several dreams that have left my heart aching when I woke up. I never understood those dreams until today. It wasn't like I didn't have closure with Jeff. After we broke up, we stayed in touch for several years and were friends. I did eventually quit pining for him, so why in the world did those dreams leave me feeling that ache in my heart I felt when we broke up?
The first dream I vaguely remember, but we were together again and in love, and he realized there was a good life for him out there. This dream messed me up for quite some time. I guess it's hard knowing how special someone is and knowing that they didn't feel it. I wondered if I had found him earlier if there would have been anything I could have done.
The second dream was very violent and dark. Jeff and I were together and he was yelling at me. I was trying to get through to him, but I couldn't. He wouldn't listen to anything I said. He was just so angry. After I awoke from this one I was also messed up. I realized God was showing me that Jeff was in a bad place, and I wouldn't have recognized him. There wasn't anything I could do, and I needed to have peace with it.
I had laid down my thoughts of Jeff until last night. I had another disturbing dream. Again, it was a loving dream. We were together and so in love. It was such a warm feeling.
I finally understood that God was using Jeff to show me something about myself...He wanted me to recall who I was when I was with Jeff...a sweet, beautiful and loving 15 year old girl...still so innocent and full of life. He wanted me to recall how Jeff made me feel about myself - valued and treasured.
I didn't realize how much I rejected myself - I no longer resembled this girl to myself. I didn't realize that I felt like Chuck would have been better off with someone his age - someone that had saved herself just for him. I know I have felt this along the way from time to time, but I didn't realize how deeply intrenched in my heart this was. I was carrying around shame, and that shame was a great big wall that existed between me and my husband. I didn't think I even felt shame, but I took what several others (family which made things worse) said about me to heart.
Today God showed me the lies I have believed in my heart. He showed me that He sees me as that same girl that Jeff saw, and that He holds me in high esteem. He showed me that Chuck sees me the same way that He sees me. There is no wall of shame between us - it was a lie. He showed me that it doesn't matter who thinks we shouldn't be together - God joined us together, and no one can trump Him. God put us together, and He did it knowing that we are a perfect fit in His eyes. Age is just a number, and it is irrelevant. The problem was that I was made to feel shamed about my age along with my past hurts, and I felt like Chuck was being punished because of it. I finally get that he chose me, and he loves me with a heart like God's.
I finally get that Chuck and I were made to enjoy the sweet, innocence of being in love and being together. I finally get that the lies I believed have been one of the biggest hindrances to our emotional intimacy. I rejected myself and projected it onto Chuck. I thought that Chuck saw me as the person I was portrayed to be by those family members that judged and wounded me. Thank God for the realization of just how wrong I was! I had built a wall between us to protect myself...surely the day would come that Chuck would realize everyone was right, and he would leave me. I am happy to say that the Truth made that wall crumble!
It has been a deep day of revelation, and I find it so sweet that God used Jeff to show these things to me. May he rest in peace!
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