Stumbling Blocks

I've been feeling quite emotional lately (as always when I'm blogging here).  I feel hopeless, and I hate that.  Having the house on the market makes me feel like I have to prepare myself for yet another disappointment in life.  So strange that I feel like things just don't go my way...really, it only seems like that happens in the deepest desires of my heart.  I feel like there is some wall up - almost like I'm blocking God from going there - from releasing these desires.  I know that sounds extremely strange, and I don't even fully grasp it.  That is just how it feels.

I've been praying for clarity.  The picture I got today was of a 10ish year old me...sitting on the front porch swing all alone.  I felt so lonely and hopeless - much like I've been feeling lately.  I felt that way on Sundays the most - after my mom went away to work.  I was always just alone with my thoughts and my heartache with no outlet for them.  I hated those days.

I know that God can do anything.  I've always known this.  However, He doesn't always do the things I want, and it makes me so disappointed.  It makes me feel so insignificant and unimportant.  It makes me feel like I don't deserve to be truly happy.  I just have to take what I get, adjust to it and move on.  That is such a horrible pattern in my life - one I've had since childhood as far back as I can remember.  There has been someone else in my life as far back as I can remember that has always done the same thing to me and made me feel the same way.  I guess I project all of that onto God.

I pray that God will show me that kind of love - the kind that I've been missing all of my life.