Nostalgia

I was driving around today going from one client to the next. I heard "Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman on the radio. I never particularly cared for this song when it came out, but today a feeling of nostalgia came over me when I heard it. You know the feeling - just a deep, warm feeling on the inside - the song reminded me of a time of naivety - took me back to the high school days. High School for me was such a time of innocence. I had so many deep wounds but none of them or the deep manifestations of their consequences had surfaced yet. It was still a time when the world felt like it was mine to conquer - like I could be anything I wanted to be. Life felt like it was only at the beginning of what should have been a lovely journey of wonderfully heart-felt adventures. I don't know if you ever experience that kind of excitement again in life -that innocent excitement that life is about to be a fairy-tale.

This song brings back 2 very particular memories for me. The first one was at the end of our Junior year. I was with Devin Westbrook and Mike Carlyle - we were all Marshalls (had the highest GPAs) so we led the Seniors in their processional for the awards banquet. After we had led them into the gymnasium and the ceremony had begun, the 3 of us decided to leave campus and head to a convenient store down the road. We went to a high school in the country - literally in the middle of a rural farming area. Devin let me drive his Chevy II that day. I had the BEST time. I'm quite certain I scared Devin and Mike almost to death. We made it back to school in time to escort the seniors out, and no one had missed us. It was such a taste of freedom to me. I was always the goody girl - never did anything wrong. The second memory is again driving along with Devin in his Chevy II. Not sure where we were going, but we were headed down the same road to Institute towards the school. Guns-n-Roses came on - "Sweet Child of Mine". What's so funny is that still to this day I love getting in the car, rolling the windows down, driving on a pretty country road (or one that resembles such) and blaring a favorite song. That always brings me peace and solitude.

Today I sit here 23 years after high school. I remember that girl so well. Life has been a journey, but certainly not the kind of journey I thought it would be. I lost myself in circumstances - some created by me and others created by things out of my control. I got lost in all of the issues that plagued me as a child and made choices based on the world through my wounded lenses. One of the things that seems funny (funny in an odd way) is that we grow up with dreams in our heart, and we think when those dreams come true life will be great, and we will just enjoy it. What we don't realize is that there will always be unexpected things that hit us through the course of our life: death, heartbreaks, etc. We spend our time trying to get back on track waiting for that 'it' moment when life will begin. For some it will begin when we find our dream job, for some it will begin when we get married, for some it will begin when we have children...what we don't realize is that there will never be some 'sonic boom' moment where everything falls into place and we live happily ever after.

It has been 24 years almost exactly since that car ride my Jr. year of high school, and I feel a different kind of excitement about life - excitement that isn't based on naive expectations. Excitement because I am no longer waiting on my big boom moment. Excitement because I have weathered so many different storms, and I have found that in the center of all of those storms I was never there alone - I was with Jesus. I feel a wholeness I never knew existed. I've learned how to enjoy what is here and now - I look at the future as an exciting adventure. I know there will be bumps along the way, and that is okay. God will not only catch me at every bump in the road, He will be with me on the whole journey. He is driving, and I am along for the ride. I am no longer striving to be someone - I know I am someone, and I love the freedom in that. I love the freedom in knowing that I am who I was created to be, and that life is lovely, and that life is Love. I have beheld so much beauty on this journey, and I continue to be amazed at the beauty there is left to behold. The rest of my life is a surprise, and I love surprises! How amazing is that! All I have to do is be present and enjoy the ride. No more striving to be something!

I feel like everything in between high school and now is in a great big bubble...not a bubble that I want to pop and get rid of, but a bubble I can look at in hindsight and say "what a journey it has been" as I continue forward in my fairy-tale adventure with my Love!