I don't begin to understand the depth of my heart ache. The nurse (very sweet and nurturing lady) asked me today if I had children. I answered with a no, and somehow that was more painful than anything else I went through today. The nurse was just being nice. She could have no way of knowing that just a few years ago I was laying on a table trying to figure out if I was going to lose my baby - the second one in a year. I did lose my baby, and the miscarriage ended in surgery with the removal of my fallopian tube.
People ask all of the time if I have children...when I answer no, I feel judged...like what kind of selfish person am I to be in my 40s and married and not have children. No one knows the pain behind my answer, the pain that I desperately wanted those babies or the pain that I will never experience what giving birth will feel like...the pain that I didn't see what my children looked like as they were born...so much pain. I can't explain all of that because people will then just think I'm crazy or I shared too much information. It is a natural question, so I can't blame people for asking. I just hope that someday the pain I feel in my heart when I answer no will go away.
All of this brings me to how I really feel about so many things. I feel like a misfit. I just don't belong. I don't fit in my family, I'm completely rejected by my husband's family, and I don't have children. I know this sounds like a pity party, and maybe it is, but it is my way of venting and grieving more than anything. I somehow just keep stumbling through life - one tragic event after another. I really don't know where my threshold is. I know that God catches me every step of the way - that does make it easier, but it still isn't easy. I have no idea where my place is in this life on earth. There is so much more in my heart to give, and I have no outlet for it. I feel stranded - paralyzed really. I don't know which direction to go, and I've lost the motivation to put one foot in front of the other to just take off and land wherever I may. I don't know how to get that spunk back - I don't know how to make my heart quit hurting. I really need some divine intervention right now.
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