Switching gears for a moment - yesterday morning I finally fell hard asleep. I had the most amazing dream (which was amazing in itself - usually I would have some fear driven nightmare under the circumstances). In the dream (this part was very weird) I was watching an episode of friends and Monica was mad at Rachel until Rachel told her she had won an exotic vacation and was taking Monica with her. The next thing I know I was overseas alone. I really can't remember the place it was supposed to be - it was a strange name that I've never heard of - I just know it is not in the US. Anyway I was at this place that was supposed to be a beach of sorts, but it looked more like a big desert. There were several large, round holes full of water. The water in the holes almost looked like big hot tubs in the middle of sand. I decided to stop at one of these holes and get in. There was a man sitting in the particular one I got in...nothing to note of that except he was a pleasant man just minding his business. The hole was a little deeper than I thought, so I stumbled a little bit. The man kind of chuckled while I made my way to sit on the sand and dangle my feet. I left this area and found a nice restaurant/veranda. I was thinking to myself that there has to be a real beach somewhere - I was certain I had read about it, so I looked on a map. Then I turned around and saw the most gorgeous creation. It was a large flowing stream-like ocean. It was moving rapidly, but it wasn't dangerous. In the middle of it was a huge rock-like formation - almost looked like it was made of wood. There were large canoes (can't remember the proper name or spelling, but they looked like the things you ride in Italy through the canals). People were riding in these canoes - one after the other. It looked like so much fun. I was immediately excited at the site of all of this, and I couldn't wait to take my turn in the canoe. My dream ended there.
After I woke up I was so amazed by my incredible dream, and I was so thankful to God for the wonderful distraction from the drama in my life...but more importantly I was thankful to God for showing up in my dreams with such encouragement and beauty. I think the desert is where I'm at now - but there is a quiet glimmer of hope peaking through (which is what the hot tubs represent). My heart, however, soars and longs for that adventurous ocean stream with God right in the center of it. God represented the rock. I have such a love of water and adventure - the adventure part has been dormant for years now too. God is waking up parts of my heart, and I am so thankful for that. I know that this season is all about experiencing Joy, and I know that is what that dream represented - raw joy and happiness and love! It made me so hopeful, and I desperately needed that.
I was pondering my dream yesterday as I was driving, and I realized that I lived under this same fear during my second pregnancy - I had this gripping fear that I was going to miscarry again (which I did). When I miscarried God was totally there to catch my fall and get me through that terribly emotional time in my life. I was able to grieve and have His peace at the same time. It was very surreal. I needed that reminder yesterday - it made me realize that God is there and will be there through this entire scary situation with the kid on the loose. Granted I still am having trouble sleeping, but I'm not gripped with the same paralyzing fear that I have been since this started (a month ago). In essence the fear is fading. I hope it will be completely faded soon - I really need to catch up on my sleep :).
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