Heart in the Sky

Been in kind of a funk for about a week - biggest reason is trying to deal with old and 'new that touch old' rejection issues. Coming out of part of that now. It definitely has been an interesting season. It has been a season of taking stands and writing God-given boundaries firmly in my heart. With each new stand I take I feel my heart come to life in areas that have been dormant for years. With each new stand I take I discover a truth about my real identity. With each new stand I take I feel a joy that was squashed by years of wounds.

Rejection tells you that you are really not that important. When you have been rejected for most of your life, you tend to have a low self worth, and it becomes very easy to let others hurt you over and over and over. It literally took me 40 years to realize that I do have worth and value - God created me, and He doesn't create anything that has no value or worth. I had a vision of the horrible person people have painted me to be, and I realized that person never even existed. Then I had another vision of that false person being nailed to the cross with Christ. Now I am not crowded and tainted by that false person posing as me. All that being said - the hurt is still there. I'm really not sure how to deal with it other than distancing myself from the source for a while. I tread on a thin line of trying not to let that hurt turn into bitterness. I try to forgive, but the heart is fragile. I no longer want to open up my heart to people that are not safe places for my heart. Unfortunately, I am not wired to have relationships that are only on the surface. I'm not good at spending time with people that I don't want to have deep relationships with - to me time is very valuable and precious, so why waste it on people that only hurt you even when those people are family? That is where I stay torn because family is one of the top priorities in my life. Maybe one day I will figure it out, but that day is truly not now.

Last week in the midst of all of this revelation and hurt I was experiencing - I was driving down the road and before me in the sky appeared a great big heart made of smoke from one of the Blue Angels. Wow - I was mesmerized. It was one of those 'God totally touched my heart' moments - made me smile from the inside out! Chuck and I went to watch the Blue Angels this past Saturday. Watching them made me so emotional, but I couldn't figure out why. God reminded me of the first time I ever saw fireworks. It was just me and my daddy in Las Vegas, NV. He took me outside in my PJs, and we sat on the curb and watched. I was so amazed at the beauty of it, and looking back I loved the special moment that I shared with my daddy. As weird as it seems, watching the Blue Angels and the amazement of that reminded me of that sacred memory. I loved being there with my special man (my sweet hubby) watching the jets in the sky reflecting on all that I love and hold dear. When you need it the most, God surprises you in the most glorious of ways!

I loved my heart in the sky!