Jumbled

The miserable week I was having last week turned into even more of a miserable weekend (and following Monday). I feel like I am coming out of that now, but still teetering more than I would like.

I realized that I was so jumbled up - had multiple issues attacking me at once until they all ran together and I couldn't make sense of any of them - I think this narrows down the list

* Figured out that by going to the gun range on Saturday that I felt violated for even having to be there. Of course no one put a gun to my head (poor choice of words there), but being threatened and feeling like a target in my own home made me feel the need to buy a gun (and more importantly learn how to safely use and own a gun). I hated the whole experience of the gun range - I'm just not comfortable around guns - let alone a multitude of loud and high powered ones. Found out the gun we bought sucked, and so began the process of finding the right one for us having now done research and having shot a small variety. We think we have it narrowed down to a Glock 26, but we shall see after taking our Gun Safety course and trying it out on the range this Saturday. Will be glad to have this whole process behind us or as much behind us as possible - which really means that my comfort level with guns has to increase.

*Figured out through a series of events, including an issue that came up with my mother as well as misunderstandings (lack of communication) with my husband that I have a huge issue of feeling passed over. It has clearly always been there (well as far back as I can remember) - I think God just showed me the root of that, hmmmm. I guess the nail that hit the hammer on that one is that I projected all of this onto God which leads to another area of struggle...

*Figured out that I feel passed over by God because I haven't been able to have children. I know I am not past the point of having them, but my heart is tired and weary. There is something in me that just can't give up the hope of getting pregnant - granted at this point it is such a small ember of a flame. Having a baby is something that I've always wanted - above all else (except a husband), so how do I lay down this desire? I don't think I'm supposed to lay down the desire, but I don't know how to remove it from the forefront of my mind - especially when I feel that the hands on my biological time clock are going around the circle for the last few times. Sometimes lately I wonder if I should give up on having children, and then I try to picture what that will be like - I just can't really go there though. The moment I try to picture it I am consumed with empty feelings of loneliness. My guess is there is a bigger root to all of this than just feeling passed over. I have no idea what that is at this point. There are so many people around me getting pregnant, and it is such an easy process for them - get married, get pregnant, have a baby. I am happy for these people, but it makes my heart hurt - it makes me feel like that awkward little girl that didn't get chosen for the team in middle school PE class. The way you stand there on display while everyone sees that you are a reject. I feel like I'm on display every time someone tells me they are pregnant. I try so hard to mask my own pain as all I feel is an emptiness in the pit of my stomach along with an ache so deep in my heart. I remember the excitement of being pregnant - I don't think I ever knew so much joy - and then all too soon I remember the sadness and heartache when I lost my babies. I mask all of that because I am sincerely happy for those around me that are pregnant. I hope that one day I will not feel that pang, but I truly don't know if it will ever go away. The topic of children is one I have struggled with for years, and I continue to struggle with it now. I pray that God will show me how to make peace with this whole situation.

*I guess writing all of this (which helps me process) has made me realize that I feel like I am flailing aimlessly along in life - I don't feel grounded. I don't think I fit in anywhere - mainly from a family perspective. I think maybe God is trying to show me where I fit by pulling me out of the pits I have been in that I thought were my place. He has definitely shown me places in my life (mainly relationships) that are unhealthy. Maybe I don't feel grounded right now because I'm not. I trust that God will plant me firmly down when it is time, and I think that time will be when I grasp the truth in my heart - His truth of where I belong and where I fit in.

I am giving God all of these things that are tumultuous in my heart - children, safety, finances, family, relationships. My concentration just needs to be on Him and the things that are in front of me - my husband, dogs, work, and I think most importantly right now, finding the Joy that He has for me in the little things - in everyday life.