Wow

I just opened this blog and realized it has been almost an entire year since I have posted anything! My entire world has been turned upside down in that amount of time - a lot of it was very painful. It seems like this year has been full of death. I've lost several close relatives, and the hardest 2 for me this year were my sweet doggies, Samson and Winston. We lost both of them at the beginning of the year. I don't want to dwell on that because I've blogged about it on my work blog site (Furry Chatter). I still miss those babies. We added 2 more furry babies in April - Baxter & Eddie, Boston Terrier puppies. They are now 7 months old and crazy as ever (in a good way).

This has also been a time of revelation for me. God has been faithful to reveal old wounds and heal them. Still working on a biggie - Seems whenever I have or have had a vice, I have it to the extreme...cleaning, drinking, smoking, eating. I realized that my boundaries have never really been respected. I've always been tossed aside almost invisible unless someone was having a bad day and I worked as the punching bag so to speak. My vices were the things I turned to as a defense mechanism, and I felt that they were the only things I could control so I went overboard with them since I couldn't control the other things in my life. I was very protective of 'my things' and was hell bent on not letting anyone steal them from me or get in the way. I still don't have full revelation on healing from this, but it is almost as if I just need to give up the reigns to God (which I thought I had done so many times - just goes to show you how our lives really are like onions - so many layers). I guess the hard part is knowing how to let go of the reigns - I've held them tight for 30+ years. I know that God will show me in His timing.

Now I feel like I am in a time of transition (yet again), and I keep fighting with anxiety. I am excited about what the future brings, but my struggle is enjoying the present - which is something I deem equally important. I feel like I have lost my way a little - been in a whirlwind and just landed and really don't know where I am or how I got here.

I guess that is enough random chattering for today. I've really missed blogging - just think I have been a little too emotional to want to open my heart, so I stayed hidden away (another defense mechanism).