Finally - things are starting to settle

It has been a long year full of countless changes. Chuck and I were talking last night about putting up the Christmas tree (after Thanksgiving, of course) when we realized that last Christmas we still had Winston and Samson. I still miss both of those babies, but I'm thankful for my little Baxter & Eddie too.

This past weekend was the first weekend in probably a year that I truly enjoyed. The funny thing about enjoying it is that we did absolutely nothing special or out of the ordinary. This feeling of peace started on Friday for me. I had a lighter than normal work day, and I updated the ipod I keep in my car that morning. I listened to great music as I drove around from house to house. I put on some good worship tunes eventually, and just like old times - Jesus was sitting right there with me in the car - so close. Man - I have missed that. I really, really needed that.

On Saturday, Chuck's best friend, Matt, and Matt's father came over, and we all went to the shooting range. It was good for Chuck to hang out with his best buddy -he has been hurt so much by false friendships in the past. I think it opened up something in his heart that has been closed off when he hung out with Matt.

On Sunday, we went to a new church, First Baptist Church of Marietta. I had seen the church when I was driving around for work on Friday and decided to look up the website. I had a wonderful feeling about it from the website. Let me back up and say that for years Chuck and I have been flip flopping in and out of churches. We just haven't been able to find a place that felt like home to us. We have settled for some good places along the way, but they just never felt like the right places for us. When we got into church on Sunday morning it was like a time warp for me. I felt like I was sitting in First Missionary Baptist Church in LaGrange, NC. It woke up something in my heart that felt so wonderfully nostalgic. I used to walk to this church in LaGrange when I was a little girl. My world felt so messed up to me after my father died, and this church was my safe haven. It wasn't that I even understood what the preacher was talking about, but I knew that it felt so good and so safe, and it was a break from my world that I needed. First Baptist of Marietta felt like home - for the first time maybe ever. I loved everything about it. The worship was awesome, and the pastor had such a Father's heart. He was so humble, and had such a soothing voice that evoked fatherly love. Everyone we met was very nice. In general the feel was just so peaceful. What was even more wonderful was that after we left, Chuck felt the same way I did. We both can't wait to go back this Sunday and attend Sunday school as well as church. That is something that neither of us have cared to do in years (due to a lot of hurts that came from a previous church).

Chuck and I have been talking about moving for about as long as we have been married. We just weren't happy in Atlanta - it never felt like home, and it was the home of a lot of hurt and pain for both of us. Finally, after this weekend, just like that, this feels like home to both of us. That is something I have been longing for since I left NC in 1995. I am so thankful to finally feel settled in that regard. It's amazing how God holds you up through terrible times in your life, and even when you feel like you can't breathe anymore, He always give you that next breath to get you through. At the end of those periods (like this weekend) it never ceases to amaze me how deep His love is, and how faithful He is. I already knew all of these things, but each touch always feels as deep as the first one. The amazing thing is that just like with any relationship, the love is so much deeper the more time goes on, so when you get through these rough periods and feel that touch, the awe is much deeper as well.

I end this post feeling a great peace and happiness and most of all hope, and I am so thankful!

Dark Cloud

I feel like I stay jumbled lately - so much going on with me that I can't get grounded.

I went to my annual 'girl' appointment this morning - that will definitely tell you that you've hit 40. I think I was doing pretty well with it until this morning. I won't go into details, but all of the extra junk you have to have tested because of that magic number sucks!

It really didn't help me that my appointment fell during PMS week - I was overly emotional. I guess going to the doctor reminded me of my miscarriages and loss - something I have been struggling with even more since that magic number appeared. I could hear a lady in the next room that had just had a baby discussing life with my doctor. That made my heart hurt. I literally sat in my room praying that I wouldn't lose it until I left because I could feel the tears welling up. I think I realized on the way home that the magic number was causing me to feel like I had to give up hope - and giving up hope was even more painful than anything else - without hope there is nothing. As I was leaving the doctor's office, I saw a lady and her husband - they both looked to be mid 40s. She was very pregnant. That struck me funny - I thought - wow look at her - why am I giving up hope - what is wrong with me? Giving up hope isn't intentional, mind you. I guess it is just a deep hurt in my heart that makes me feel so weary and void of all strength to dream and long for my babies to be. I read a Word this morning that said something about being off track and not to worry because God would steer us back in the right direction. I discarded it because I didn't think it really applied to me, but as I was leaving the doctor's office and driving home, I was reminded of that Word. I think I have been off track with my heart, and I shouldn't be giving up hope. Now I can see this big, dark cloud that I have been under - for what seems like years. I don't know where it originated, but I do know that all of the negative comments I have heard over the years have only made it darker. I didn't realize that I hung on to those things. I feel like I am at the end of the dark cloud - granted I'm still under it. I pray that God will show me how to run ahead of it and never look back. It may be that He just removes it...we will see as it will happen in His timing.

This has been such a hard year on so many levels, but it has also been incredibly freeing on deep levels, and for that I am thankful!

Will post more as the cloud evaporates :)

Processing

I quit smoking for good several years ago. I say for good because I had quit smoking multiple times before that but it never stuck...at the first sign of stress I would run out and buy a pack of smokes and never look back - that is until the next time I decided to quit. I didn't quit for good until after I was married - my husband put his foot down at a time when I needed him to and wouldn't let me buy a pack of cigs. It made me realize that the nicotine fits really didn't last that long after all and weren't so bad once you got to the other side.

On the flip side of not smoking I started eating a lot more. I was also cooking a lot since I had my new hubby to cook for. I love cooking, but it was pointless to cook when I was single unless I was entertaining (which was rare). Needless to say I gained 40 pounds in about 6 months time. This was devastating to me since I had always been tiny and never had a weight problem. I didn't know what to do with the weight - didn't know how to diet. It was all foreign to me.

I've realized over the past several months that there is a pattern in my life with taking things to the extreme - cleaning (control freak), smoking, eating. God showed me that I was trying to control the things that I could - the things that brought me comfort - because there was so much in my life growing up that I couldn't control. I went to the extreme with all of these habits or defense mechanisms because I wanted to make sure no one had the power to take them away from me as I felt stripped of all else. I didn't have these things all at once - they sort of replaced each other along the way. I saw that no one ever respected my boundaries so I put up these boundaries in place in my life that couldn't be touched. I now know that I can have boundaries in my life and my heart - God given boundaries. Other people may still choose not to respect them, but I have the authority to keep them out - something I didn't have growing up.

Even after having the above revelations I still struggle with eating and weight. I realize when things are going poorly I still turn to food for comfort - mainly I just lose motivation to exercise and eat right - it's not that I binge (although I used to). Having the extra weight in itself depresses me. I realized yesterday that there was only one time that I lost all of the weight, and it was after my second miscarriage and surgery. The doctor told us that we couldn't try for a year for safety reasons - so I went all out on exercise and diet since I didn't have to worry about taking precautions for a pregnancy. It dawned on me yesterday that ever since we started trying again (over a year ago now) I have put the weight back on and exercised minimally. I don't understand the correlation just yet of my weight issues and trying to get pregnant, but I know this is the root of my weight gain. It is almost like I am trying to mask something with my weight. Maybe it is the pain of not being pregnant and not being able to have any control over it (much like my other habits in the past), but that doesn't sit quite right.

I will continue processing this until I understand, but I look forward to putting this demon in the past - along with my much larger sized jeans!

Fading Fear

I haven't really posted about the hell we've been going through since a 17 year old kid made a threat against Chuck (which affects me as well since the kid lives 2 blocks from here and pointed out that he knows where we live). A warrant was made for his arrest, but he is hiding out, so while he is on the loose, I am very uneasy. I posted about the need to buy a gun - this is why. The day before yesterday this kid made about 6 phone calls to Chuck's office - when Chuck finally answered, the kid yelled at him asking him why he was charging him and insisting that the charges were lies made up by him. I can't tell you how many sleepless nights I have had over this situation. I have laid in bed at night gripped with fear. Fear is one of the most unpleasant feelings I have ever experienced, and I know that fear is straight from the devil!

Switching gears for a moment - yesterday morning I finally fell hard asleep. I had the most amazing dream (which was amazing in itself - usually I would have some fear driven nightmare under the circumstances). In the dream (this part was very weird) I was watching an episode of friends and Monica was mad at Rachel until Rachel told her she had won an exotic vacation and was taking Monica with her. The next thing I know I was overseas alone. I really can't remember the place it was supposed to be - it was a strange name that I've never heard of - I just know it is not in the US. Anyway I was at this place that was supposed to be a beach of sorts, but it looked more like a big desert. There were several large, round holes full of water. The water in the holes almost looked like big hot tubs in the middle of sand. I decided to stop at one of these holes and get in. There was a man sitting in the particular one I got in...nothing to note of that except he was a pleasant man just minding his business. The hole was a little deeper than I thought, so I stumbled a little bit. The man kind of chuckled while I made my way to sit on the sand and dangle my feet. I left this area and found a nice restaurant/veranda. I was thinking to myself that there has to be a real beach somewhere - I was certain I had read about it, so I looked on a map. Then I turned around and saw the most gorgeous creation. It was a large flowing stream-like ocean. It was moving rapidly, but it wasn't dangerous. In the middle of it was a huge rock-like formation - almost looked like it was made of wood. There were large canoes (can't remember the proper name or spelling, but they looked like the things you ride in Italy through the canals). People were riding in these canoes - one after the other. It looked like so much fun. I was immediately excited at the site of all of this, and I couldn't wait to take my turn in the canoe. My dream ended there.

After I woke up I was so amazed by my incredible dream, and I was so thankful to God for the wonderful distraction from the drama in my life...but more importantly I was thankful to God for showing up in my dreams with such encouragement and beauty. I think the desert is where I'm at now - but there is a quiet glimmer of hope peaking through (which is what the hot tubs represent). My heart, however, soars and longs for that adventurous ocean stream with God right in the center of it. God represented the rock. I have such a love of water and adventure - the adventure part has been dormant for years now too. God is waking up parts of my heart, and I am so thankful for that. I know that this season is all about experiencing Joy, and I know that is what that dream represented - raw joy and happiness and love! It made me so hopeful, and I desperately needed that.

I was pondering my dream yesterday as I was driving, and I realized that I lived under this same fear during my second pregnancy - I had this gripping fear that I was going to miscarry again (which I did). When I miscarried God was totally there to catch my fall and get me through that terribly emotional time in my life. I was able to grieve and have His peace at the same time. It was very surreal. I needed that reminder yesterday - it made me realize that God is there and will be there through this entire scary situation with the kid on the loose. Granted I still am having trouble sleeping, but I'm not gripped with the same paralyzing fear that I have been since this started (a month ago). In essence the fear is fading. I hope it will be completely faded soon - I really need to catch up on my sleep :).

Jumbled

The miserable week I was having last week turned into even more of a miserable weekend (and following Monday). I feel like I am coming out of that now, but still teetering more than I would like.

I realized that I was so jumbled up - had multiple issues attacking me at once until they all ran together and I couldn't make sense of any of them - I think this narrows down the list

* Figured out that by going to the gun range on Saturday that I felt violated for even having to be there. Of course no one put a gun to my head (poor choice of words there), but being threatened and feeling like a target in my own home made me feel the need to buy a gun (and more importantly learn how to safely use and own a gun). I hated the whole experience of the gun range - I'm just not comfortable around guns - let alone a multitude of loud and high powered ones. Found out the gun we bought sucked, and so began the process of finding the right one for us having now done research and having shot a small variety. We think we have it narrowed down to a Glock 26, but we shall see after taking our Gun Safety course and trying it out on the range this Saturday. Will be glad to have this whole process behind us or as much behind us as possible - which really means that my comfort level with guns has to increase.

*Figured out through a series of events, including an issue that came up with my mother as well as misunderstandings (lack of communication) with my husband that I have a huge issue of feeling passed over. It has clearly always been there (well as far back as I can remember) - I think God just showed me the root of that, hmmmm. I guess the nail that hit the hammer on that one is that I projected all of this onto God which leads to another area of struggle...

*Figured out that I feel passed over by God because I haven't been able to have children. I know I am not past the point of having them, but my heart is tired and weary. There is something in me that just can't give up the hope of getting pregnant - granted at this point it is such a small ember of a flame. Having a baby is something that I've always wanted - above all else (except a husband), so how do I lay down this desire? I don't think I'm supposed to lay down the desire, but I don't know how to remove it from the forefront of my mind - especially when I feel that the hands on my biological time clock are going around the circle for the last few times. Sometimes lately I wonder if I should give up on having children, and then I try to picture what that will be like - I just can't really go there though. The moment I try to picture it I am consumed with empty feelings of loneliness. My guess is there is a bigger root to all of this than just feeling passed over. I have no idea what that is at this point. There are so many people around me getting pregnant, and it is such an easy process for them - get married, get pregnant, have a baby. I am happy for these people, but it makes my heart hurt - it makes me feel like that awkward little girl that didn't get chosen for the team in middle school PE class. The way you stand there on display while everyone sees that you are a reject. I feel like I'm on display every time someone tells me they are pregnant. I try so hard to mask my own pain as all I feel is an emptiness in the pit of my stomach along with an ache so deep in my heart. I remember the excitement of being pregnant - I don't think I ever knew so much joy - and then all too soon I remember the sadness and heartache when I lost my babies. I mask all of that because I am sincerely happy for those around me that are pregnant. I hope that one day I will not feel that pang, but I truly don't know if it will ever go away. The topic of children is one I have struggled with for years, and I continue to struggle with it now. I pray that God will show me how to make peace with this whole situation.

*I guess writing all of this (which helps me process) has made me realize that I feel like I am flailing aimlessly along in life - I don't feel grounded. I don't think I fit in anywhere - mainly from a family perspective. I think maybe God is trying to show me where I fit by pulling me out of the pits I have been in that I thought were my place. He has definitely shown me places in my life (mainly relationships) that are unhealthy. Maybe I don't feel grounded right now because I'm not. I trust that God will plant me firmly down when it is time, and I think that time will be when I grasp the truth in my heart - His truth of where I belong and where I fit in.

I am giving God all of these things that are tumultuous in my heart - children, safety, finances, family, relationships. My concentration just needs to be on Him and the things that are in front of me - my husband, dogs, work, and I think most importantly right now, finding the Joy that He has for me in the little things - in everyday life.

Heart in the Sky

Been in kind of a funk for about a week - biggest reason is trying to deal with old and 'new that touch old' rejection issues. Coming out of part of that now. It definitely has been an interesting season. It has been a season of taking stands and writing God-given boundaries firmly in my heart. With each new stand I take I feel my heart come to life in areas that have been dormant for years. With each new stand I take I discover a truth about my real identity. With each new stand I take I feel a joy that was squashed by years of wounds.

Rejection tells you that you are really not that important. When you have been rejected for most of your life, you tend to have a low self worth, and it becomes very easy to let others hurt you over and over and over. It literally took me 40 years to realize that I do have worth and value - God created me, and He doesn't create anything that has no value or worth. I had a vision of the horrible person people have painted me to be, and I realized that person never even existed. Then I had another vision of that false person being nailed to the cross with Christ. Now I am not crowded and tainted by that false person posing as me. All that being said - the hurt is still there. I'm really not sure how to deal with it other than distancing myself from the source for a while. I tread on a thin line of trying not to let that hurt turn into bitterness. I try to forgive, but the heart is fragile. I no longer want to open up my heart to people that are not safe places for my heart. Unfortunately, I am not wired to have relationships that are only on the surface. I'm not good at spending time with people that I don't want to have deep relationships with - to me time is very valuable and precious, so why waste it on people that only hurt you even when those people are family? That is where I stay torn because family is one of the top priorities in my life. Maybe one day I will figure it out, but that day is truly not now.

Last week in the midst of all of this revelation and hurt I was experiencing - I was driving down the road and before me in the sky appeared a great big heart made of smoke from one of the Blue Angels. Wow - I was mesmerized. It was one of those 'God totally touched my heart' moments - made me smile from the inside out! Chuck and I went to watch the Blue Angels this past Saturday. Watching them made me so emotional, but I couldn't figure out why. God reminded me of the first time I ever saw fireworks. It was just me and my daddy in Las Vegas, NV. He took me outside in my PJs, and we sat on the curb and watched. I was so amazed at the beauty of it, and looking back I loved the special moment that I shared with my daddy. As weird as it seems, watching the Blue Angels and the amazement of that reminded me of that sacred memory. I loved being there with my special man (my sweet hubby) watching the jets in the sky reflecting on all that I love and hold dear. When you need it the most, God surprises you in the most glorious of ways!

I loved my heart in the sky!

It's a new day

Still don't have clarification on my dream yesterday, but definitely having tiny revelations along the way.

Chuck and I have been pondering a lot of ideas about our future - where we want to live being the main one. We finally decided to remain in Smyrna for a few more years, and then we will figure it out. I definitely need to live near an ocean! ...one thing I learned from my dream is that home is wherever you make it, so we are going to work on making this our home and filling it with love and joy. It's so easy to get caught up in the mundane tasks of life, and that is what we have done. In our heads moving somewhere is exciting, but in reality it won't change anything. After the newness wears off we will be doing the same things in our 'new place' as we do here. Our focus is to bring back the romance - romance with each other and romance with life - to me the most important romance is with Jesus, so that romance takes priority - really after that all others will fall into place.