Time Doesn't Stand Still

Funny...after 43 years I realize that time doesn't stand still.  Of course, I've always realized it, but I now realize it deep in the recesses of my heart.  I also realize that I wish it did stand still from time to time.  There have been times in my life that I needed it to stand still.  If it had, maybe things would be a lot different right now.

I realize that in all of my traumatic moments in life, life just kept going for everyone else, even those closest to me.  I always just jumped back on the life train too - what else was I supposed to do?  You can't make people stop to have a good cry with you.  You can't make people understand your grief and pain.  What can people possibly do to shoulder deep angst for you in your worst hour?  Unfortunately, I never had anyone stop and tell me that they love me and they were there for me.  I never had anyone tell me that they knew how hard it was for me.  I don't know what kind of difference that would have made, but I have to believe it would have made a difference.  For once I may have felt like I mattered.  For once I may have felt like I was important to someone.  For once I may have felt like someone loved me so much that they just couldn't bear to see my heart broken into tiny little pieces.  For once I may not have felt alone and scared.  For once I may have felt like I had the support and love of those around me to move on one baby step at a time while my heart truly healed.  For once I may have felt like I was special to someone - special enough for them to spend a little bit of time in an uncomfortable place just to give me comfort.  I truly wonder what all of that would feel like.

Instead my pattern has been to accept all of the lies - I'm not special.  I don't matter.  No one should have time for me.  I have no value.  I have no worth.  I'm just a thing that exists and takes up space.  I know the opposite of all of that is true, but my heart doesn't know it.  I know I should invite people into my heart, but the fear of feeling vulnerable and being rejected is far too great a risk for me.  I really don't even know how to let someone carry the burden of my heartaches.  I wish I could figure it out.  Honestly, I guess God is the only one that can truly carry those burdens.    I just pray that my heart will feel and accept the truth - the truth of who I am - the truth of who I am to God - the truth of what being His daughter means  - the truth of how valuable being the daughter of God means I am.

Only I can make time stand still as I crawl into the arms of the One that is Timeless and True.

Stumbling Blocks

I've been feeling quite emotional lately (as always when I'm blogging here).  I feel hopeless, and I hate that.  Having the house on the market makes me feel like I have to prepare myself for yet another disappointment in life.  So strange that I feel like things just don't go my way...really, it only seems like that happens in the deepest desires of my heart.  I feel like there is some wall up - almost like I'm blocking God from going there - from releasing these desires.  I know that sounds extremely strange, and I don't even fully grasp it.  That is just how it feels.

I've been praying for clarity.  The picture I got today was of a 10ish year old me...sitting on the front porch swing all alone.  I felt so lonely and hopeless - much like I've been feeling lately.  I felt that way on Sundays the most - after my mom went away to work.  I was always just alone with my thoughts and my heartache with no outlet for them.  I hated those days.

I know that God can do anything.  I've always known this.  However, He doesn't always do the things I want, and it makes me so disappointed.  It makes me feel so insignificant and unimportant.  It makes me feel like I don't deserve to be truly happy.  I just have to take what I get, adjust to it and move on.  That is such a horrible pattern in my life - one I've had since childhood as far back as I can remember.  There has been someone else in my life as far back as I can remember that has always done the same thing to me and made me feel the same way.  I guess I project all of that onto God.

I pray that God will show me that kind of love - the kind that I've been missing all of my life.

A New Era

There is so much going on in my life right now that it is very hard to think straight.  I find myself losing my train of thought every 15 minutes or so.  I hate it when that happens...especially since I hate feeling out of control.

I've had this sick, nervy feeling in my stomach for about a week now.  I'm not entirely sure what the root of it is, but I have a general idea.  Chuck and I decided to finally put our house on the market.  We have wanted to move for quite some time, but the timing never quite worked out.  We rented an apartment to move into while our house is on the market to alleviate the stress of getting home to remove our dogs every time the house needs to show as well as keeping our house show ready since we have very busy schedules.

I feel jumbled trying to get the house ready for showing while working and commuting.  Chuck just started his new job as Principal, so I need to manage as much of this as possible because he needs to be at work.  Add in trying to get an apartment hooked up and moved into along with my normal work duties, and that alone is enough to wear anyone out.

Here's the emotional part...our house is the first house Chuck bought.  He lived there with 2 roommates from our old church prior to us getting together.  There were various church functions at that house - mostly singles meetings and hangouts.  That church represents a lot of hurt and pain for both Chuck and me.  It was a situation that ended badly.  The hurt and pain was different for both of us because it affected us in different ways.  For me I felt like it ripped away one of the most precious things in my life - my family (my oldest brother, his wife and their 4 kids).  To this day I'm not sure that I fully comprehend all of it.  I know that it took me years of praying and crying before I really felt like I had gotten through all of the pain.  Clearly I still haven't, or I would't feel the way I do right now.  I know there has been complete healing where my brother is concerned.  Things have greatly improved and continue to improve with my sister-n-law.  I definitely don't have a close connection with my nephews and niece due to everything that happened, but I've made peace with that.  I think ultimately my hurt and even bitterness stems back to the pastors of that church.  They were rude and self-serving.  They taught others that people were supposed to follow them and serve them in order to follow Christ.  You were a nobody unless you were a leader in that church, and all of the nobodies were nothing more than slaves that were meant to cater to the elitist.  I know those words are filled with venom, and I hate admitting that is how I really feel.  My family (me not included) were leaders in that church.  Because I wasn't some subservient girl, I was deemed bad.  I was pretty much excluded from my family at that point (by my family).  I know that they were responsible for their own actions, and that is all water under the bridge to me at this point.  What I have realized this week is that I haven't forgiven the Buhlers, and I really don't know how to or care to.  Unlike my family, I don't want to have anything to do with them.  There is only 1 person from that church that I still have in my life, and that's because she has a pure heart after God's own heart.  I've stripped everyone else from my life.  I guess what I really have done is just remove myself to avoid the pain of what was done to me.  All of the hurt and bitterness are still there.  What made me finally realize it is the emotions with finally being away from the house after it sales (the last reminder of that church), and even more than that - my nephew is getting married this weekend, and it is highly possible that the Buhlers will be there.  I really don't want to see them.

All I can do is pray for God to help me release this bitterness and hurt.  I also pray that He would show me the truth because I clearly believed lies about myself through all of this.  They made me feel like I was just lowly and had no worth...

God has been showing me lately that I am his daughter and He adores me.  He chose me to be His beloved, and no one can take that away.  He has been showing me that I shouldn't cringe at being in my 40s or weigh more than I did in my 20s and 30s.  I've been through so much healing and had so much intimacy with Christ over the past 8 years.  I'm so much better than I've ever been.  I feel more beautiful.  I feel more free.  I'm happy with who I am.  I know who I am.  I am the daughter of God.  I am a Saint.  I am beautiful.  I am in love with my savior.  He is in love with me.

I know it is time to forgive and to nail my memories of these people to the cross.  It is also time to nail the person they made me out to be to the cross as well.

I'm so ready for a fresh start with my wonderful husband and beautiful dog children.  Let the new era begin.

Memorial Day

Memorial Day for a lot of people represents a holiday - meaning time off from work, time for the beach with friends, or cookouts with lots of laughter.  For a lot of other people, Memorial Day is a time to give thanks and remember those that have served our country and put their lives on the line for our freedom.  When you think of it that way, it is a very somber day.

This Memorial Day weekend was strange for me, but strange in a good way.  I've been so busy with work and life, I must admit I was very happy to have the long weekend.  I spent it with family - my nephews's graduation and graduation party.  As the long, busy weekend was coming to a close, I was thankful for the extra day on Monday to just rest and reflect.  As I reflected I felt like a season of my life was coming to a close.  How ironic that on Memorial Day I felt so many bad things from my past - meaning heartbreaking times, wounds, hurts - were finally being laid to rest.  My heart finally feels at peace.  All I kept hearing was that hope and love remain.  That is a very beautiful picture of my future...hope and love - two things that have felt distant for quite some time.

Death

Death leaves me with such an indescribable feeling...empty, alone, isolated, still, frozen, paralyzed, sad, lost.  I'm sure I could come up with many other descriptors.  I guess I continue to be shocked by these feelings when I lose someone.

I found out about a sudden death this weekend of a former co-worker.  I'm still in shock really.  I guess the odd thing is I don't know why...life is fleeting.  You never know when any of us will be plucked away.  I guess I like to think my heart is numb to those feelings, but then they creep back in and take over.  I was remembering all of the times we stood outside while he was on smoke breaks with our little crowd of people joking around having a grand time.  What if I had known he would be taken away just a few short years from now?  What if I had known that my first boyfriend that I adored would no longer be walking this earth a couple of decades beyond our sweet time together?  Would I have done anything differently?  I guess not - would have just made me sad way ahead of time and kept me from enjoying what was in front of my face.

I am thankful that I believe in eternity with a magnificent God.  I can only hope that eveyone I hold dear to my heart has the same beliefs so that I can rest assured they are truly in a better place.  Unfortunately, the only ones that can be assured of that are them and God.  I once so naively told someone that they could take comfort in knowing that their spouse was in a better place and they would be together again.  I was very quickly told that didn't make it any better.  I know that is really true.  It gives me a tiny bit of peace, but really all I can think of is that for the rest of my life on this earth (with only God knowing how long that is), I will never see the smile, hear the laugh, feel the embrace of this being that my heart has come to love.  Forever sure seems like a long time away when you are faced with these empty feelings that only death can bring.

I think for me these feelings of death are multiplied.  It always takes me back to the worst time of my life.  When I lose someone that I know, the feelings and emotions come rushing back.  My heart aches for the people that are the closest - a mom, brother/sister, daughter/son.  I'd like to say it gets easier, but I don't know if that is accurate.  I guess it gets easier over time...until you lose someone else you know...and then you remember all of the pain as if you are living it.

Hopefully, this won't always be the case.  I have faith that my Love will revisit this most painful time with me and fill my heart with the love I thought I lost all those years ago.

God is good!

I was reading some posts on Facebook today.  I realized how much people say God is good when their prayers are answered.  That seems so strange to me - it's almost like you are telling God "good job" or "well done" when He does things the way you want them done.  It's almost like God's praise is based on His performance.

The truth is that God is good all of the time.  Even when your prayers aren't answered.  Ultimately God answers prayers that are prayed according to His will.  We don't always know what His will is, but we do know that everything works together for good for those that are called according to His purpose.

I've been through quite a few hard things in my life.  What I know is that the outcome has so many times not been what my heart has desired no matter how fervent my prayers were.  Ultimately I prayed God's will be done not mine.  I know there was purpose in my circumstances.  It didn't make the situation any easier.  What made the situation easier was feeling the embrace of God through it all.  Walking through painful things on this earth made me draw closer to God.  He gave me peace.  He made me realize that no matter what life throws me, I can just lay down and weep.  I don't have to be strong.  He is strong in my place.  He will pick me up and carry me until I can walk again.  Negative outcomes don't mean God loves me any less.  I know that He weeps when I weep.  He wipes away my tears, and He heals my heart.

You never know how you are going to respond to things until you walk through them.  I'm thankful for my walks with God during the painful times even when my heart was broken into pieces.  I pray that everyone that is quick to tell God how good He is when all goes well will remember how good He is when things aren't going well.  I hope and pray that those people will see just how much God loves them regardless of circumstances.

He is so beautiful.  He touches my heart in a way that words can't explain.  He is so strong and all encompassing.  His love is like the wind - strong and swaying and powerful at times, and at others times so gentle with an ever so soft breeze that lightly brushes and caresses.  Sheer perfection!

Easter 2012

I'm not sure where to start. My heart feels so jumbled...so many memories. It's almost like I've seen the last 33 years flash before my eyes and heart today. For so many years I have associated Easter with death - my daddy died 33 years ago at Easter - April 12, 1979. In 2009 I had the best Easter ever - I realized what the true meaning of the resurrection was about...not just the cross, but the cross and the resurrection! The resurrection is about living and life and beauty and love - it truly embodies the abundant life that Christ has for us. I finally had the revelation that my daddy wasn't dead - neither were my sweet babies - they are all in heaven fully alive and in the most glorious of places.

It's strange today that I woke up so sad - like so many other easters - feeling the pain of that day. I keep having flashbacks of the funeral - of feeling alone there - watching the one that loved me like no other being torn away from me.

Sometimes it feels like I have just been floundering through life trying to survive - but I have to ask am I trying to survive or am I trying to get to the end? Something is missing in my heart, and I know what it is, but I don't know how to get it back. Maybe it's harder to get it back when all hope is gone of past dreams. I need some new dreams. I need a new level of intimacy with my Love. I need Him to give me direction. I feel empty and fruitless.

I feel like today is a day to grieve...to grieve lost dreams, broken heartedness, old hurts and wounds, loss. It's time for those things to be nailed to the cross.

I'm 41 today - the same age my daddy was when he died. He died 33 years ago today - the same age Jesus was when He died on the cross for me. That seems significant to me. It also seems significant that 3 years ago I had so many life changing revelations - for 3 years I have been walking as who God says I am. Jesus ministered for 3 years.

I feel that tomorrow is a new beginning for me...I don't know why...that is just what I sense. It's a time to let go of things and begin again with new life - new wineskins. I get a picture of God sifting the things from me that are of Him - my heart, my love, my wisdom, my mercy, my compassion and moving them all to a new beginning - letting the old go.

I have been struggling lately - feeling like I 'peaked' in my 30s...that is quite depressing, and it is also completely a world view - that is only important on this earth because society deems it that way. It is a struggle for me because I never felt I had acceptance from people important to me until I 'looked' a certain way. Chuck made some comment about my sweet Sammie Sosa being in heaven and having a new body the other day, when it dawned on me - I truly haven't peaked. I won't peak until I'm in heaven with a new body. This body is just temporary and it houses me - it doesn't define me. It was a nice revelation. I've known it in meaning for some time, but I think I just got it in my heart.

I hope the heaviness of today will be gone tomorrow. I hope I will have new dreams and songs in my heart. I pray for deep whispers of love and promise and hope. I pray for new kisses that are soft and sweet - kisses that will fill all of the holes of past hurts and disappointments. I pray for your gentleness to take my breath away each and every day. I pray that I find your beauty in simple things and that it touches my heart to the core. I pray that the raw emotion and openness of my heart will touch your heart to the core. I pray for new dances built upon a lifetime of love - effortless and flowing filled with love and passion - where our hearts are in perfect rhythm.

I look forward to a new day where the best is here and is yet to come.

Heart Ache

I'm having a bit of a rough day. I don't even fully understand why. I had a bad mammogram, so I had to go back for another more, in depth mammogram followed by an ultrasound. Today I went in for 3 cyst aspirations. The findings were abnormal, so now I sit and wait for the biopsy results. I feel numb to all of that somehow...meaning I hope the results don't come back negative/malignant, but if they do, I will approach that one step at a time. At the end of the day if it is my time, it is just my time. I'm not saying this in a morbid way, and of course, I'm not ready for my time to be up, but I do have peace about death whenever it must come.

I don't begin to understand the depth of my heart ache. The nurse (very sweet and nurturing lady) asked me today if I had children. I answered with a no, and somehow that was more painful than anything else I went through today. The nurse was just being nice. She could have no way of knowing that just a few years ago I was laying on a table trying to figure out if I was going to lose my baby - the second one in a year. I did lose my baby, and the miscarriage ended in surgery with the removal of my fallopian tube.

People ask all of the time if I have children...when I answer no, I feel judged...like what kind of selfish person am I to be in my 40s and married and not have children. No one knows the pain behind my answer, the pain that I desperately wanted those babies or the pain that I will never experience what giving birth will feel like...the pain that I didn't see what my children looked like as they were born...so much pain. I can't explain all of that because people will then just think I'm crazy or I shared too much information. It is a natural question, so I can't blame people for asking. I just hope that someday the pain I feel in my heart when I answer no will go away.

All of this brings me to how I really feel about so many things. I feel like a misfit. I just don't belong. I don't fit in my family, I'm completely rejected by my husband's family, and I don't have children. I know this sounds like a pity party, and maybe it is, but it is my way of venting and grieving more than anything. I somehow just keep stumbling through life - one tragic event after another. I really don't know where my threshold is. I know that God catches me every step of the way - that does make it easier, but it still isn't easy. I have no idea where my place is in this life on earth. There is so much more in my heart to give, and I have no outlet for it. I feel stranded - paralyzed really. I don't know which direction to go, and I've lost the motivation to put one foot in front of the other to just take off and land wherever I may. I don't know how to get that spunk back - I don't know how to make my heart quit hurting. I really need some divine intervention right now.

Memories

I find myself somewhat down these days. I'm not really sure why. My heart just feels heavy. This particular time period has so many painful memories for me - all centered around death. I know those that have died are in such a glorious place, and I'm happy for them. I know I will see them again, so me missing them is only temporary. My emotions take over, and I feel such a familiar feeling of pain - of being alone and isolated. Sometimes I have moments that make me wonder what my time on earth is really about - sometimes it just seems pointless. I'm just not okay with going through the motions of life until I get to the end of it. There has to be more. I always come back to this. I'm just not sure what the 'more' is.

I had a vision yesterday morning while I was sitting in church. I remembered holding my red Bible in my arms while I fell asleep. I have no idea what happened to that Bible. After my daddy died I walked to the drugstore and purchased it with my own money. My mother told me if I slept with my Bible under my pillow I wouldn't have nightmares anymore. Little did she know that she sent me right into the arms of the greatest Love I have ever known. When I saw this vision yesterday my heart filled with so much love. I love Jesus so deeply. My love for Him is so full that I can't even fathom it. This memory made me feel so whole. I'm not sure why God brought this to my attention after all these years, but I'm glad He did. I guess sometimes we just need to be reminded of simple things in life.

A New Perspective

It has only been 4.5 months since my last post, but it feels like forever for some reason.

God has been so faithful to bring newness into my life, and it has been such a good thing for me...it has also been a big adjustment. I think I am still adjusting. Along with getting adjusted to the new things in my life, it seems as though so many things - deep things, thoughts, hopes, dreams, sadness, heartache - have been running rampant just above me. These things keep swooping down and pulling me off the ground and clouding my heart and my head. It feels very unsettling - not like the unsettling I always felt in the past, but more like a stretching. I'm being taken out of my comfort zone (which I don't do so well with). I am only realizing this just now as I write this...I love how God brings revelation to me as I sit and start typing out my thoughts and feelings. I'm not sure what the stretching is about, but I do know I have been revisiting dreams I had laid to rest and made peace with. I think I want to revisit those dreams, but I keep having doubts. I feel like I need to throw my doubts to the wind and just trust God and see what happens. Tonight I kind of feel like I know what is going to happen, but I have to admit that I have a wall around my heart - a fear of trusting - a fear of opening my heart back up to something that was so painful for me. It's a really strange place to be...I think I just need to spend a couple of months praying and letting God prepare my heart. I've been so caught up in life lately - I feel so distant from God. I know that is my doing - not His. I miss the touch that only He can give, yet I keep Him at bay. I wonder why. I think it is all part of the stretching. I'm being reminded of the scripture where Jesus fed the masses - I'm not sure why or what the correlation is. Jesus tried to go away alone to pray and spend time with God, but the masses followed Him, and He was busy. I guess I have just been busy - but I have also had a lot of revelations. Now is my quiet time - time to be fed - time to understand - time to be still and just be with Him. It is time to crawl under His wings and just bask in His warmth and love and take in His sweet smell and to breathe deeply and be unconcerned with temporal things.

I read a wonderful book tonight - 'Heaven is for real'. This book touched my heart in so many ways. I guess it gave me a heavenly perspective and made me realize that some of the things that have been bogging me down are just pointless. These things are so temporary - in the end they won't even matter. This book also gave me insight into my children that are in heaven. They have been growing up in heaven...that gives me such a complete feeling - knowing my babies are being raised by God, and they are there with my daddy and my grandparents and so many others that I have loved and lost. This book also reminded me of a dream that I have had for a long time, and it showed me a missing piece of the puzzle. I can't wait to see if the puzzle piece comes forth. It doesn't seem possible, but I know all things are possible with Him that loves me.

I realize this post is ambiguous, but I will be more forthright as things come to fruition...for now they are from my heart to His....sweet whispers filled with love and a faint desire.

Ghost Dreams

It has been a rough couple of days. I just felt out of sorts all day yesterday. Last night I ended up having a migraine headache. That didn't really surprise me in hindsight given the way I felt all day. I knew something was off. I also started having deep revelations on the way to church while I was in the process of having an argument with Chuck (stupid, trivial stuff that got blown way out of proportion). Nonetheless, it became very hard to focus on what God was revealing. The gist of it at that point was that I felt rejected by his family because I was so much older than him. I felt like they treated me more like I was their age, and he was their baby boy. It has been 6 years like that. They made a big deal over my age when we first got together, and there have been several slams along the way. I never even realized any of that stuck with me, but I realized today just how much it did stick. I also realized that all of the times I ended up either not defended or when I defended myself to them rather than Chuck doing it, I bought into that lie even more.

When I started praying about this today I definitely went through a strange path to get to the truth. At first I started thinking I needed Chuck to be more of a man (total lie from the pit). I got discouraged wondering if our marriage would ever be what it should be from an emotional/intimacy standpoint. Then I realized that God was doing something, and God has been doing things. I knew that God put us together and that our marriage was sacred. I also realized that things would be what they are supposed to be - God has always been faithful.

To backtrack a little (well, actually quite a lot) - I started dating my first real love, Jeff Moore, when I was 15 years old. I was so head over heels in love with him (as you always are with your first love). He was 18 at the time. We broke up after a year of going steady. He was in college, and I was in high school, and he needed his freedom. Boy was my heart broken. It took me a year before I could move on from him. Jeff was an incredible first boyfriend - he was a total gift from God. I knew that he had been physical with other women before me, but he never tried anything physical with me (beyond kissing). He was always the perfect gentleman and treated me with so much love and respect. I am so thankful for him. As I look back, all of my friends were being physical in some form or another with their boyfriends. I often got chided for my lack of participation in sexual activities.

I often wondered what happened to Jeff. I had long since moved away from home, and I had no idea where he was. I really wanted to tell him thank you and how I appreciated him - our time together had a lasting impact on me. In November of 2008 I came across one of his best friends on facebook. I was so excited! I asked him if he was still in touch with Jeff. His response left me heart broken. He told me that Jeff had ended his life in August the year before (2007). He had been through a really rough time (which I won't go into detail about out of respect for him). I was crushed that he went through the things he did, and I was even more crushed to hear that he was made to feel like he had nothing left to live for. The world is now missing a wonderful man.

Since finding out his fate, I have had several dreams that have left my heart aching when I woke up. I never understood those dreams until today. It wasn't like I didn't have closure with Jeff. After we broke up, we stayed in touch for several years and were friends. I did eventually quit pining for him, so why in the world did those dreams leave me feeling that ache in my heart I felt when we broke up?

The first dream I vaguely remember, but we were together again and in love, and he realized there was a good life for him out there. This dream messed me up for quite some time. I guess it's hard knowing how special someone is and knowing that they didn't feel it. I wondered if I had found him earlier if there would have been anything I could have done.

The second dream was very violent and dark. Jeff and I were together and he was yelling at me. I was trying to get through to him, but I couldn't. He wouldn't listen to anything I said. He was just so angry. After I awoke from this one I was also messed up. I realized God was showing me that Jeff was in a bad place, and I wouldn't have recognized him. There wasn't anything I could do, and I needed to have peace with it.

I had laid down my thoughts of Jeff until last night. I had another disturbing dream. Again, it was a loving dream. We were together and so in love. It was such a warm feeling.

I finally understood that God was using Jeff to show me something about myself...He wanted me to recall who I was when I was with Jeff...a sweet, beautiful and loving 15 year old girl...still so innocent and full of life. He wanted me to recall how Jeff made me feel about myself - valued and treasured.

I didn't realize how much I rejected myself - I no longer resembled this girl to myself. I didn't realize that I felt like Chuck would have been better off with someone his age - someone that had saved herself just for him. I know I have felt this along the way from time to time, but I didn't realize how deeply intrenched in my heart this was. I was carrying around shame, and that shame was a great big wall that existed between me and my husband. I didn't think I even felt shame, but I took what several others (family which made things worse) said about me to heart.

Today God showed me the lies I have believed in my heart. He showed me that He sees me as that same girl that Jeff saw, and that He holds me in high esteem. He showed me that Chuck sees me the same way that He sees me. There is no wall of shame between us - it was a lie. He showed me that it doesn't matter who thinks we shouldn't be together - God joined us together, and no one can trump Him. God put us together, and He did it knowing that we are a perfect fit in His eyes. Age is just a number, and it is irrelevant. The problem was that I was made to feel shamed about my age along with my past hurts, and I felt like Chuck was being punished because of it. I finally get that he chose me, and he loves me with a heart like God's.

I finally get that Chuck and I were made to enjoy the sweet, innocence of being in love and being together. I finally get that the lies I believed have been one of the biggest hindrances to our emotional intimacy. I rejected myself and projected it onto Chuck. I thought that Chuck saw me as the person I was portrayed to be by those family members that judged and wounded me. Thank God for the realization of just how wrong I was! I had built a wall between us to protect myself...surely the day would come that Chuck would realize everyone was right, and he would leave me. I am happy to say that the Truth made that wall crumble!

It has been a deep day of revelation, and I find it so sweet that God used Jeff to show these things to me. May he rest in peace!

Rainy Days and Mondays

It isn't really a Monday, but it definitely is a rainy day. I wasn't really expecting the rain, but it makes things kind of cozy today for some reason.

I haven't blogged in 5 months. I guess I have been in a cave. I've definitely had my share of drama over the past several months, but now things are quiet and peaceful. This is an interesting time in my life - not like any other time I have experienced. I deleted my facebook account in August. I can't really say that I have missed it. One reason is that I wasted so much time on there, and the other is that it let more drama into my life. Sounds weird to say that, but when you read stuff, it sticks. I think that is partly why things seem so quiet now - I don't have FB and what is going on in everyone else's life as a distraction. I'm back in Kelley land, and it has been good for me. I have had a lot of things to pray through and work through over the past several months. As always, God has been so faithful. I feel like my life is in slow motion right now as I work through some things. I have such a peace and stillness about me...that is very interesting since I have been plagued with anxiety since childhood. I wish I could put this feeling into words, but I can't. In order for the words to mean anything, you would have to also understand my previous existence, and that is something I'm not sure I completely understand myself.

I've had a couple of issues that have been a recurring theme over the past several years. The first one is having children. I thought I had made peace with not having them (and actually, I really did make peace with it), but I always had in the back of my mind that maybe one day it would still happen if that was God's will for my life. The difference was that I was okay if it didn't, whereas before I thought I would die if I couldn't have a baby. A couple of weeks ago my husband, Chuck, told me that he wanted to have a vasectomy, and that he had been thinking a lot about it. At that time I told him I didn't think I was ready for that. He has decided that he really doesn't want kids, and if at any time he changes his mind, he would like to adopt. He also doesn't want to go through the pain of worrying about me should I become pregnant (given our past history with the last pregnancy almost causing my death). I took his words seriously (regarding the vasectomy). He doesn't speak lightly about such things, and I understood the weight of what he was saying. I started praying about this, and it made me reopen what I thought was a closed chapter in my life. As it turns out, that chapter was merely on pause. I seriously considered having fertility tests and giving one last, big effort to getting pregnant. I couldn't think straight about whether or not I really wanted to do that - I just felt so much pressure - like it was now or never. I think I cried the entire day as I prayed about this. I realized in the end that I really don't want to get pregnant at this stage in my life. I may change my mind a few years from now and want a baby (at which time we can adopt). I also realized that I needed this time to grieve the loss of my children and the loss of that dream. It was very painful but very freeing at the same time. I kept all of this to myself for a few days. I told Chuck about all of this this past Sunday morning, and we are in agreement that us not having natural children is the right decision for us. At this time, we don't plan on having any children, but we both are open to this decision possibly changing in the future. Part of what made me make that decision is that it seems like I have been through so many painful things over the past 41 years of my life. I have been through so much healing that it is hard to even fathom. I am just now getting to a point in my life that I feel completely free, and I feel like it is time to be selfish for a little while and just really enjoy my life. There is so much that I want to do and see, and I don't have it in me right now to further put my life on hold to care for a baby in the manner that I think is important. It feels like Chuck and I are just now starting our honeymoon. Don't get me wrong; we have a wonderful marriage, but we have both been so wounded, and our wounds have been blocks in our marriage...it is hard to explain. We both want to go deeper with each other, but we haven't been able to get to that level until now...after we have both been healed of various things. We are still in a healing process - both of us individually, but we see the light ahead and know that God is doing huge things in our lives. This is such a time of excitement and joy for us, and we want to cherish it and just spend a few years of quality time with each other doing the things that we love to do together - just the two of us. We both recognize that after we get that out of our system, we could decide we want kids, and we will be open to that. We may also decide that we don't, and that is fine too.

This past Sunday we found our church home. We have been visiting and looking for the right place for about 4 years. We are joining this Sunday, and are very excited. It was after our Sunday morning talk about our future that we found this church. During service, God put a new dream in both of our hearts. We both want to support and volunteer at orphanages. We are so excited about the prospect of providing laughter and fun for these kids. I don't know how or when all of this will work out, but I think it is amazing that when you lay down one dream, God gives you one that is so much bigger.

The other recurrent issue in my life is weight gain...presently I should say this issues take the form of weight gain (eating). Previously, it was smoking. Prior to that it was cleaning. After I stopped smoking, I started eating, thus I gained a lot of weight. The weight has brought up additional issues in my life (mainly rejection issues). I've yo-yo'd for a few years. I lost all of the weight I initially gained after I stopped smoking, but I always put it back on (5.5 years later). I know I could lose it again if I applied myself, but I just can't let myself go there. I have been determined to find out the root of this problem - why I eat so much (or smoke or clean) in the first place. I know if I can be healed of whatever this thing is, I will eventually lose the weight and keep it off without turning to another vice.

I'm starting to have revelations in small doses. I have realized that I am very anxious - I eat when I'm anxious - I have to turn to something for comfort when something upsets me. I've spent my whole life trying to control my environment - I needed to be braced and prepared for the next bad thing that was going to happen. I could handle things easier if I was prepared and things were in order. I've gone through my whole life living in the short term (the foreseeable future). Until recently, I've never been able to imagine myself as old or what that would even look like. One day I was reading my Bible, and God gave me a picture of myself as an old lady walking through life with Him. That healed something in my heart. I realized that trying to move through life in small doses at a time was creating anxiety. I guess I can compare it to driving in a car. When I first started driving I would grip the wheel very tightly and look down in front of the car at the white lines. It was very stressful driving like that. As I became experienced at driving I quit gripping the wheel and started looking straight ahead instead of at the road lines. Driving all of a sudden became very relaxing. I have been looking at the road lines of my life, and that has been hard work. Imagine the impact of hitting something at a high speed when it is right in front of you and you don't see it coming. That has been the impact of my hurts and wounds my entire life. God is teaching me to look at the big picture and understand that there will be times that I hit things in life, but in the grand scheme of things, the impact won't be that bad. The anxiety is slipping away, and so is the need for a crutch (food, cigarettes, etc.). I still have my moments when things hit me, but I'm learning to stop, breathe, and pray instead of letting myself get balled up. I am also getting a lot quicker at pin-pointing the things that hit me (make me upset or hit a nerve). I'm taking this healing process one step at a time. I don't feel rushed. I know that God has His hand on me and is guiding me.

The other thing I have been working on is rejection from being overweight. I'm really not that much over weight (technically about 15 pounds), but I am 30 pounds heavier than when I quit smoking to begin with...I realize I was unhealthy and honestly, too skinny, so I'm not trying to go back to that place. I have realized that I reject myself for being overweight. The first thing that ever made me feel accepted was my looks (by family, men, friends). I started modeling when I was 15 and really started being 'girly' and caring about my looks. I started getting attention I had never gotten. I had always just been in the background treated as nothing special. To make a long story short, after I gained weight, I felt rejected since my 'looks' were no longer what they were. I'm pretty sure I even rejected myself. The funny thing is that looks are not what matter to me - not in other people - and even for myself I don't want to be known for being pretty. Character has always been what is most important - character, integrity, sense of humor. I can honestly say that I like who I am. I like that I have a big heart and that I have so much mercy and compassion for people that it literally causes me to have heart ache. At the end of the day I am happy with who I have become. I wouldn't want to be any other way, and I wouldn't want to trade lives with anyone else. I'm truly in love with God, and I'm in love with life - both now and eternally.

Like the whole anxiety problem, I am slowly receiving from God the things I need to feel accepted. I am slowly accepting myself. I want to accept myself as I am - weight and all. I want to look in the mirror and see a beautiful person - not skin beauty, but internal beauty that radiates from within. These are the things that matter to me. I'm trying to let everything sink into my heart, so that I don't struggle from rejection because of the way I look. I am being healed slowly - one day at a time. It's a beautiful journey.

All of the above was a summarized version of what I have been going through these past few months. I will hopefully update as this journey continues.

Nostalgia

I was driving around today going from one client to the next. I heard "Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman on the radio. I never particularly cared for this song when it came out, but today a feeling of nostalgia came over me when I heard it. You know the feeling - just a deep, warm feeling on the inside - the song reminded me of a time of naivety - took me back to the high school days. High School for me was such a time of innocence. I had so many deep wounds but none of them or the deep manifestations of their consequences had surfaced yet. It was still a time when the world felt like it was mine to conquer - like I could be anything I wanted to be. Life felt like it was only at the beginning of what should have been a lovely journey of wonderfully heart-felt adventures. I don't know if you ever experience that kind of excitement again in life -that innocent excitement that life is about to be a fairy-tale.

This song brings back 2 very particular memories for me. The first one was at the end of our Junior year. I was with Devin Westbrook and Mike Carlyle - we were all Marshalls (had the highest GPAs) so we led the Seniors in their processional for the awards banquet. After we had led them into the gymnasium and the ceremony had begun, the 3 of us decided to leave campus and head to a convenient store down the road. We went to a high school in the country - literally in the middle of a rural farming area. Devin let me drive his Chevy II that day. I had the BEST time. I'm quite certain I scared Devin and Mike almost to death. We made it back to school in time to escort the seniors out, and no one had missed us. It was such a taste of freedom to me. I was always the goody girl - never did anything wrong. The second memory is again driving along with Devin in his Chevy II. Not sure where we were going, but we were headed down the same road to Institute towards the school. Guns-n-Roses came on - "Sweet Child of Mine". What's so funny is that still to this day I love getting in the car, rolling the windows down, driving on a pretty country road (or one that resembles such) and blaring a favorite song. That always brings me peace and solitude.

Today I sit here 23 years after high school. I remember that girl so well. Life has been a journey, but certainly not the kind of journey I thought it would be. I lost myself in circumstances - some created by me and others created by things out of my control. I got lost in all of the issues that plagued me as a child and made choices based on the world through my wounded lenses. One of the things that seems funny (funny in an odd way) is that we grow up with dreams in our heart, and we think when those dreams come true life will be great, and we will just enjoy it. What we don't realize is that there will always be unexpected things that hit us through the course of our life: death, heartbreaks, etc. We spend our time trying to get back on track waiting for that 'it' moment when life will begin. For some it will begin when we find our dream job, for some it will begin when we get married, for some it will begin when we have children...what we don't realize is that there will never be some 'sonic boom' moment where everything falls into place and we live happily ever after.

It has been 24 years almost exactly since that car ride my Jr. year of high school, and I feel a different kind of excitement about life - excitement that isn't based on naive expectations. Excitement because I am no longer waiting on my big boom moment. Excitement because I have weathered so many different storms, and I have found that in the center of all of those storms I was never there alone - I was with Jesus. I feel a wholeness I never knew existed. I've learned how to enjoy what is here and now - I look at the future as an exciting adventure. I know there will be bumps along the way, and that is okay. God will not only catch me at every bump in the road, He will be with me on the whole journey. He is driving, and I am along for the ride. I am no longer striving to be someone - I know I am someone, and I love the freedom in that. I love the freedom in knowing that I am who I was created to be, and that life is lovely, and that life is Love. I have beheld so much beauty on this journey, and I continue to be amazed at the beauty there is left to behold. The rest of my life is a surprise, and I love surprises! How amazing is that! All I have to do is be present and enjoy the ride. No more striving to be something!

I feel like everything in between high school and now is in a great big bubble...not a bubble that I want to pop and get rid of, but a bubble I can look at in hindsight and say "what a journey it has been" as I continue forward in my fairy-tale adventure with my Love!

Catching up

It has been a month and a half since I have blogged...as usual in my life, I have had a lot going on. Only this time I don't really feel like going into the process of it all. I'm at a place of peace, and I'm enjoying it.

To summarize a few of the highlights of things I've discovered:

1. I have given my desire to have children to God. I'm okay with not ever having children on earth if that is His will for my life. I know that my life will still be great, and I will still be complete. I have children in heaven - one day I will be with them. That is enough for me.
2. Life is an adventure, and I find great joy in living out this adventure with Chuck, the love of my life!
3. I am a valuable gift. I was created by the greatest Love I have ever known. I have nothing to prove - I can't gain value - I can't get rid of value. I was created with value, and just because I haven't always and probably never will be received with value by some doesn't mean that I'm not valuable.
4. I will never be alone. I will always have someone to count on. I will never be forsaken. I will always be cherished. The lack of believing this has been an evil root in my life - thank God for receiving truth!

Life is good - I am ready for the rest of my journey!

Every day is a brand new day

I know that my blogs are always about issues and revelations. Blogging helps me process things, so I rarely blog when everything is going along smoothly...so here we are again tying things together after a particularly rough week.

I had that feeling again yesterday. The one where my life feels like it is spinning out of control and I can't get grounded. I absolutely hate that feeling! I've had that feeling a lot lately (the past several months). I used to be a major control freak. Now I'm just a minor control freak :). I like everything to be in perfect order. Chaos unravels me. Growing up there were so many things that I couldn't control that controlling my environment became my defense mechanism. What I realized this week is that somewhere along the way my performance of how well I controlled my environment directly affected the identity I gave myself. If there was no chaos, I could be happy. If something went wrong, I was so full of shame and defeat and struggled to get over it. I also realized this week that a pattern of mine is if I mess up something a little bit, I throw in the entire towel and give up. I know the moment this pattern started in my life - I was in college - 19 years old. Went through the biggest moral defeat of my life. I didn't feel there was any getting things back on track. I say that now with hindsight - took me years to realize this is what happened.

So this week there have been things that I couldn't control that have sent my environment into a tizzy....and some things that were directly my fault. I spent several days feeling out of control and beating myself up. Finally yesterday I had the revelation that I will mess things up from time to time or handle things the wrong way - usually as a result of flesh patterns in the case of handling things the wrong way. I messed up some things this week just from being absent minded - I could hardly even believe I did those things - so far from my norm given my control freak status. I finally received in my heart yesterday that each day truly is a new day with new mercies from God. I am still moving forward with life and it is okay to leave the fleshy stuff behind - it isn't who I really am - it is just who I revert back to from time to time. Once I figured that out and apologized for one of my big blunders, Peace settled back over me. WOW - that was huge for me. I've experienced this uneasiness my whole life when things went wrong or were different from how I pictured them going, and to realize I could just leave all the junk behind and move forward without it was crazy. It was one of those "and just like that I was free" moments. Glad I finally got to that place. Thank you God for showing me. Another layer of onion has been removed!

Random thoughts today

I am struggling a little today - having to work with a migraine hangover. At least the full blown migraine happened in the evening. This one was one of the worst ones I have had in about 15 years. I really didn't think I was going to keep my medication down - thank God I did.

I was thinking as I was driving around - sometimes I have pangs of jealousy. I know that isn't right, but we can't really help how we feel - only what we do with how we feel. In the midst of that feeling I had the most wonderful revelation. I should only focus on my life - it is my love story from God. Not all of it has been Godly, mind you, but all of it has led me down a path to get to where I am today. While my life doesn't look like what I dreamed of it looking like, it is actually so much better. My life is a story. It definitely isn't a fairy tale, but it has a fairy tale ending - of that I can be sure. In reality - who really wants a fairy tale - yes, I have to stop and ponder that for a minute and be sure that is really not what I want :). Really, in my heart of hearts it isn't. That isn't the way I am wired. Had I not gone through all of the things I have gone through, I wouldn't be nearly as compassionate and full of mercy. I love that I have a big heart, even though it has gotten beat up and broken more times than I care to recall. It is, indeed, much easier to say this at this point in my life. If you had asked me 20 years ago, I would have opted for the fairy tale. It is so crazy how much we change over the years and how much our perspective on life changes.

My life is full - fuller than I ever dared to imagine it could be. I know love like I never even knew I could. I am so in love with Jesus and with my husband and dog children and my children in heaven and whatever children on earth God has for us. I have had so many twists and turns in my life, but had I not had them, how would I even be able to have so much love to appreciate?

My story has been a long 40 years, but it has been an extremely interesting novel up to this point. I am looking forward to what each day holds - good, bad and indifferent - each days brings me closer to my love.

Stop the bulldozer!

This has been one tough week! The crazy thing is that there is no explanation to why I feel this way - it is just how I feel. I was thinking to myself as I was driving today that it truly feels like I have gotten the crud beat out of me this week. I started praying about it, and suddenly I saw a vision of bulldozer right on my heels. I was running trying to stay ahead of it. Made me wonder why I'm running. I have been letting the details of life chase me and dictate my path. Thank God I realized that I don't have to do that. Feels good to slow down and release everything that was making me frantically hurry about life. Feels good to realize I am who I am and I can't please everyone. Feels good to realize that I am not who those I don't please say I am.

Here's to a relaxing Wednesday evening of being calm and grounded and letting the hurried things in life pass me by while I bask in the Beauty that surrounds me!

Random Update

It has been less than a month since I have blogged, but it feels like eternity. I guess I have had so many revelations in such a short period of time about life...I'll see if I can remember some of them to share - it's crazy how you are healed of something and then if flits from your mind.

The biggest change for me is laying down 'having a baby'. This was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I prayed for a long time about being able to do this, but I never could. It has certainly been a process, and I won't say that my desire is gone. For several years having a baby has consumed my life - almost like an obsession - I didn't obsess openly about it much, but in my heart I certainly did - as well as in my mind. My life's dream has been to be a mom. I realized, as oddly as this sounds, that when Winston died (my chocolate sharpei baby) that my identity was wrapped up in being a mom. God showed me that this wasn't true - being a mom was outside of my identity (not meaning I wouldn't be a mom - but moreso that doesn't define who I am). I got it at that point, and there was freedom in that. However, most recently as I was struggling with laying this down, I really went through some serious depression. I finally had the revelation that the root of this depression was the fact that I felt if I wasn't a mom I had no purpose in life. Purpose and Identity are really closely related, yet not the same. Once I figured out that I had tied purpose to having children, it really made me examine what my purpose is. Somewhere in the midst of miscarriages and sadness and trying desperately to have a baby, I lost my joy for life.

Sidestepping for a moment, my false identities (brought on by others and myself) have been beauty and intelligence. Those were the only two things that ever made me feel accepted. Imagine how I felt as I gained a butt load of weight after giving up cigarettes - fat and rejected. As for being intelligent - I got slapped in the face with that also - for not doing what others deemed I should be doing. I went through a long period of feeling shame. Finally, God showed me (and more importantly, I was able to receive it) what my real identity is in Christ. It is my heart - the very thing that has been stomped on and crushed by so many people dear to me my entire life. Wow - that made so much sense. It was the ploy of the enemy to get me to close up my heart, and it worked for a LONG time. I really have gotten off track here - so I will try to jump back on track :)

Let's go back to purpose - I had to really seek God on what my true purpose is. Of course it has to do with my identity - my heart. I've been so unconnected for so long - I have had no outlet. A lot of that ties back to old church wounds and not feeling like church is a safe place because I was really rejected there - taught that I had no value except to serve like Cinderella (which wasn't that different from the rest of my life). I figured out that I needed to find the right church and get connected. Through another process I found Midtown Church online - then realized it was where my nephew is the Worship Leader. We went the very next Sunday, and we loved it. The odd thing was I was manifesting left and right - I could feel my flesh just oozing out of control. God showed me the next day it was because of those old church wounds that I mentioned above.

To (hopefully) tie everything together I have laid down my obsession with having a baby. I am a mom - I have children in heaven - one day I will be with them. I may not be a mom on earth, and I am okay with that if that is God's will for my life. I do still hope for children, but it no longer consumes me - it is truly in God's hands.

I am hopeful again and feel joy. My heart is for people to heal and know their real identity in Christ. I can't tell you how much freedom that brings to your life, and that freedom brings a joy like you have never experienced. It is the joy that Christ meant for us to have. I trust that God will lead me to the right places to fulfill my purpose.

On another note I am finally losing the weight. I had lost most of it at one point and then gained it back through a series of bad events (emotional eating). I didn't feel the will to lose it again, and honestly, I think I had to be in a healthy place before I started this weight loss journey again. It is so much easier (from a mental perspective) when I don't think that my weight or looks define me. I am able to take my time and lose the weight in a healthy way without depriving myself. It is not performance based because I'm trying to attain acceptance. It is just for me because I want to do it.

I guess that's enough for today :)

Struggles

I've been so busy lately so I haven't had time to blog since before the holidays. On a side note the holidays were great - I calmed down after my last post and finally found the right perspective on things...mainly there were things in my heart that needed to heal - old wounds that got cut wide open due to the circumstances I was venting about in my last blog.

The real thing I wanted to talk about today are struggles that so many people around me (myself included) seem to be having lately. The common thread in all of it is our identity. Hang with me as I try to make my way through this post - it is something that has been on my mind heavily all day.

Last year I attended a workshop at Grace Ministries International that really opened my eyes and more importantly, my heart, to a lot of truths that I had been missing. I will try to sum up the things I learned for you. Of course all of this is from a Christian perspective, but it applies to everyone.

When we are born we all have basic needs: love, security, worth, acceptance, etc. Also, when we are born, we are unsaved - our spirit is dead. What I know as a Christian is that only God can fulfill these needs. So, what are we to do since we are born unsaved? Basically, we look to our families, friends, and circumstances to get our needs met. No human can meet these needs for us, so what ends up happening is this: we let our families, friends and circumstances dictate and define who we are. This looks different for everyone - for me an example is that I always felt like my feelings weren't important. I wasn't allowed to voice them or complain or be upset. I felt like it was my place to 'settle' for whatever was given to me - I had no worth. I was just there - in the way. From others I have talked to: "I'm a bad girl - everything is my fault - I deserve bad things to happen to me" or "I'm a bad son - I don't measure up - I'm a failure - I can't do anything right - no one loves me because of that". Of course these things aren't the truth for any of us, but that is how we are programmed to think - usually from a very early age. We develop 'flesh patterns' to try to get our needs met (the same basic needs I talked about earlier - love, acceptance, etc.). We have to try to meet our own needs when those around us aren't doing it for us and when we don't trust God to or even know God. Basically, a flesh pattern is us trying to meet our own needs independently of God. Let me give an example of what that looked like in my situation. My flesh pattern was to run and hide when I was upset - I had to protect myself from those that hurt me and didn't care about me. Another huge flesh pattern I developed was cleaning everything in sight until it was perfect. This was my way of controlling my environment since I couldn't control the way people treated me. It brought me some peace in my very dysfunctional life to be in a clean, organized environment. Someone very dear to me has a flesh pattern of always moving (not being able to be still while standing, driving, eating, talking, etc.). Everything in life is done with movement - that comes from being anxious all the time. The anxiety stems from his parents who would withhold their love from him every time he did something that they didn't like or approve of - he would literally be ignored sometimes for days at a time with the undertone that he didn't measure up. This literally has gone on into his late 20s.

After we accept Christ, our spirit comes to life. Christ is eternal life. We no longer have to depend on ourselves to meet our own needs. Christ is there to meet them always! That really isn't the easiest thing in the world to understand - after all - this is something we have never experienced. Our mindsets don't just magically change. I'll be honest when I say to you that I didn't have my 'a ha' moment until I had been walking with Christ for 7 years. I'm not saying that it will take everyone else this long. There is no magic formula. I have been going through inner healing for about 5 of these 7 years. Christ met me in so many of the circumstances that I had experienced growing up that made me believe the lies about myself that I believed, and He touched my heart profoundly. It has been a process - but through it all I still didn't fully get it.

Some major things that were life changing for me:

1. We are a spirit that has a mind/soul and lives in a body.

2. We are in Christ and Christ is in us. (huge thing to understand)

3. Even after we accept Christ, we still have flesh patterns. These flesh patterns will always be there (until we have died and are perfected in Christ), however, Christ within us becomes much larger than our flesh. We build relationships with Christ (just like we do with anyone else - through spending time with Him - in the Word, through prayer, in worship). The more we get to know Him, the more we trust Him. The more we trust Him, the easier it is to give Him our struggles and hurts and let Him fix them rather than relying on our old flesh patterns that really never worked - they were just a band aid.

Let me see if I can expand on number 2 - We are in Christ and Christ is in us: When we are born, we are in Adam (first human). Since Adam was spiritually dead, we were born spiritually dead. We took on all traits of Adam - we were sinners and all that entailed. We were born on the pathway to hell. After we accept Christ, we are no longer in Adam, but we are in Christ. We then become the offspring of God and take on all traits of Jesus. We have now stepped into eternal life (it was there long before we were saved), and remember Jesus is eternal life (thus we are in Christ). At this time our spirit comes to life with the Holy Spirit thus Christ is in us as well. If we are in Christ, what that means is we were also on the cross with Him when He died for our sins. When He was buried and resurrected, so were we. Let me try to make this a little clearer. Here is where my big 'a ha' moment comes in - all of the lies I believed about myself (which were a cause of the things dictated by my family, friends, circumstances) were also on that cross. That wasn't the real me - that was the me I had to be in order to survive in this world without Christ. All of the hurtful things that had been said about me that wounded me to the core were on that cross. I no longer feel the need to defend myself against attacks or hurtful words or actions. The way I see it is that people around me don't really know me (mostly due to their own wounds and flesh patterns) so they attack what they think is me - only it isn't. I'm okay with that. I know the truth - I am a daughter of God. I am a saint (and yes I sometimes sin and always will until I am perfected in Christ). God will always love and accept me no matter what anyone else thinks. He will always be there for me (even when I was so used to being abandoned by those on earth that I loved). His love for me has nothing to do with my performance. He loves me just as He loves His son, Jesus. That was scary for me to say for the first time, but it is true. He loves you that much also...regardless of all circumstances.

What helps me more than anything is to take my wounds or false personas that others have given me and envision them on the cross - buried and gone forever.

As a Christian, our identity is in Christ. We are all things that is Christ. As Christians it seems that most of us fail to take on our new identity when we are born again - we stay tangled up in the lies and hurts of our old, usually false, identity. We don't know any better, unfortunately, in most cases. Scripture says that the truth sets us free - indeed it does.

It is my sincere prayer for anyone that reads this that God will open your heart to the truth about who you are, and that you would receive it in your heart!

Nothing in particular

As the holiday season gets closer so does the drama. I really had intended for this Christmas to be focused solely on Christ - the real meaning of Christmas. I wanted it to be a small, intimate celebration. As usual family gets involved and it turns into something completely different until I dread it all together. Shame on me for letting that happen I suppose, but sometimes it happens so quickly you don't realize it was even happening. Feels like I was just dropped out of a tornado and am inspecting for damages. At the end of the day I will make the best out of the situation that I can. I have to keep reminding myself what Christmas is about and not get distracted by hurt and bitterness. I didn't realize I had bitterness in my heart until I woke up this morning. After all the drama yesterday I woke up feeling like I am in the middle of some deceitful spider web full of lies and hurtful words. I just want to be plucked out of the web and run as far and fast as possible never to look back. I guess I really just don't understand for the life of me how your family members act like they adore you to your face, and in the same minute they turn around and say mean things about you to another family member. I absolutely can't stand it when they tell you something about someone else and then say "don't tell them I said it". If you have to say that, then you shouldn't be saying it at all. I understand that we all grow up with painful things and circumstances (yes, some worse than others), but at some point you have to be accountable for your own actions - your circumstances can no longer be an excuse. It is never okay - the damage that is done because of your selfishness can't be undone. Now I am at a point where I just don't want to deal with any of it. The good news is that I finally see the truth of who I am. These hurtful things no longer hurt me because they are just lies. The truth has set me free. However, all of these hurtful things are causing me to drift further and further away. That is not what I want my life to be about or the life of my future children and family. This is definitely a season of taking stands in my life. You can give people a million chances, and at some point you just have to realize that you don't want to be at the receiving end of all of the ugly, manipulative crap. I use to feel the need to put up with such treatment because it was family, and that is the only family you are going to have...blah blah blah. Well, hopefully each person in our family is saved, and we will all be together in heaven where there is no pain, sorrow, backstabbing or hurt, but on this side of eternity I don't have to put up with it any longer. Enough is enough. ...and that is how I feel about that.

So I guess my "Nothing in particular" title turned into full fledged venting on family drama. Oh well.