Insomnia

I am sitting in Dallas, Texas wide awake. It is 3:30am EST/2:30am where I sit. I'm usually passed out by 10pm. I've had a lot on my mind lately...obviously a lot has had time to accumulate since I have last blogged.

I lost my job - my company dissolved. My last day was Friday, November 13th. I am very thankful for 4 months of severance. It seems that I have been busier during unemployment than I was when I was working full time and managing everything that was required to 'do life'.

I completed this past Saturday the Exchange Life workshop through Grace Mnistries...the workshop, along with the 3 day conference I attended in October were absolutely life changing. My relationship with Christ became even deeper, and that has always been a deep and treasured prayer of mine. I pray that it continues to go deeper still.

One of the things that has been weighing heavily on my mind is this: I've realized that rejection breeds more rejection. It is a nasty downward spiral. I'm honestly not sure how to jump off of that road...especially when this rejection resides in your family. When someone treats you poorly, but is incapable of seeing it, what do you do? I know you are suppose to continuously turn the other cheek, but after time, you are too exhausted to continue to take the punches with a smile. The only thing I know to do is to give this situation to God and pray that He changes my heart towards those that hurt me and my family. I pray that He will give us eyes to see as He sees. I feel I have to take a step back and allow healing as well as seeking God daily. I have to find it in my heart to pray - not selfish prayers that this person will change, but rather prayers of blessing and love for this person.

I'm going to end this blog now as I continue to reflect.

This and That

It is Tuesday morning, and I feel like I've been in the middle of a tornado for the past couple of days. I sit here with knots in my stomach. I keep telling myself that the Lord is my strength. He is my Strong Tower. His grace is sufficient for me. Work is particularly stressful right now - with the uncertainty of what the future holds. On top of that the rumor mill is heavy at work and has Satan's claw prints all over it. I'm not going to defend myself - that is God's place. In the end the Truth will prevail, and most importantly, it is always God's will that I seek. It is my sincere and heartfelt prayer that at the end of this struggle I will know that what happens is God's plan for my life.

On to another topic - I had a great weekend. Chuck had a football game Friday night, so I went home from work and cleaned the house and did laundry. It was nice to have some down time and get my chores done so early in the weekend. Saturday morning I got up and felt the urge to rush around and grocery shop, etc. I get so used to being so busy during the week (and lately most weekends) that I think it is ingrained in me to rush around all weekend too. I decided that it would be nice just to spend a day doing absolutely nothing (something I NEVER do). I grabbed a book that I had picked up at Sam's Club - "Found Love in Maiden, NC". I sat in the recliner and grabbed a nice, fuzzy blanket and read the entire day. I finished the book, and it was so good. It was a Christian fiction novel...the first one that I had ever read. I loved it. After I finished reading the book, I heard that still, small voice tell me "I am in everything". I felt so close to Jesus at that moment. It was the perfect ending to a perfect day.

Now it is Wednesday night, and I am finally getting back to this post. It was an unbelievably hard day at work - more of the same stuff. I finally felt peace at the end of the day...I hope and pray that feeling of peace continues. It is imperative right now as I find myself, yet again, at a transition in my life. My company is closing the doors and starting a new venture with a limited amount of resources from several entities combined - chances aren't looking too good for me for job retention. That isn't even the hardest part - I think the hardest part is watching my coworkers fending for themselves by throwing others under the bus in order to look good. It is disappointing and disheartening...and to say the least, it is very painful under those tires - which is where I seem to have found myself this week on a daily basis.

We'll see where this road ends...but I know that when one road ends, it is because God is leading us down another one, and I'll pick God's choice over mine any day - I know His choices are much better than mine!!

Days of Rest

SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by Marsha Burns -- Sept. 8, 2009:

Beloved, I tell you truly that you are only days away from beginning a new spiritual year. The old is passing away and is nearly out of sight. The heavenly gates are wide open for you to move through into a new dominion. Prepare your heart for change and a long-awaited breakthrough in many areas of your experience. A time of rejoicing is upon you, and all you have to do is leave the past behind and look forward with hope and expectation. I will do the rest, says the Lord.

Hebrews 10:23 Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.

This word spoke to me so deeply that I had to share it. I loved everything that it had to say, but especially the last sentence. It is so nice to be able to just sit and rest and experience a period of tranquility knowing that God is in control. Sometimes I just need to lay down all of my control, and that time is now. I feel tired from the past season. I am hopeful about the days ahead, but for now I am resting in the Lord and enjoying every minute of it!!

My Tree: Genesis 3

I spent yesterday as well as this morning pondering on what 'My Tree' is in reference to Genesis 3. I think my biggest tree is steering clear of what others say about me and not getting involved when others are talking about someone else. It is so easy to get tangled in that nasty web. When you hear cruel things about yourself, it only leads to insecurity - it completely takes away your view of how God sees you. In the grand scheme of things that is the only thing that is important. When you hear others talking about someone else, it is best to find a kind thing to say about the person or avoid the topic all together - after all, it is these talks that hurt most when you are the subject of conversation.

Everyday I have to remind myself to stay focused on Jesus...as long as my focus is on Him, the cruel things of this world bounce right off of me. I hope that as I focus on Him others will see His light in me and be drawn to Him.

I had the revelation this morning that every single day is a new day in Christ. How refreshing is that? No matter how bad the previous day is we can wake up each morning with the joy of the Lord. We can wake up with a fresh start. Many praises to my Beloved!!

What is your tree?

I started doing an online Bible study through my church entitled 30 Days with God.

http://www.mtparan.com/default.aspx?page=3570

Today's study was on Genesis 3:1-19. I'm sure most people are familiar with the story of how Eve ate the apple after being tempted by the snake. It's so easy to read this story and get lost in its familiarity. After watching the clip online that goes with the daily reading, I am now probing my own mind to figure out what my tree is in life. If we relate that story to today's times, I'm sure we as individuals can come up with those things that God has told us to stay away from. The pastor made a good point - We always look at Eve and wonder why she did something so stupid. What we don't think about is that people 1000 years from now could look at our story and ask the same thing.

I definitely know what my trees have been in the past, and I remain guarded in those areas. I am going to ponder and pray today about what my current trees are. Please share your thoughts or what your trees are if you are willing.

Monday reflections

I had a great weekend. I can't remember the last time I felt so well rested and relaxed on a Monday. I like that summer is winding down and a new season is beginning. I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time. I have had a great summer of reconnecting with very dear friends that I haven't seen in a long time.

I digress...this past weekend was the first weekend in a long time it seems that I wasn't traveling or running around like crazy. I actually took time to just veg on the couch and watch TV and managed to visit family as well as finish laundry and grocery shopping...oooh I forgot to mention the wonderful massage that I got on Saturday afternoon.

I got up at the crack of dawn this morning, so it was still dark when I left the house for work...was a very peaceful drive into midtown - not the normal hustle and bustle of Atlanta in rush hour. I was listening to The Fish on my ride and Steven Curtis Chapman was giving an interview. That definitely put things into perspective. He and his wife lost their little 5 year old daughter in a terrible accident sometime last year I believe. He sang a song in the studio that he had written to help him deal with his grief. I was completely in tears as my heart was breaking for him and his wife and children. I sat there and thought about how badly I want children yet there are other people that have children and lose them and experience things so much worse than what I've experienced. I've lost 2 children very early in pregnancy. I can't wrap my mind around what it must be like to lose a 5 year old daughter as she gets run over by a car in your driveway by your older child. It is scary to think that in an instant life is gone. I wonder what it is like for the person that dies - that little girl is in heaven with God where she knows no pain or sadness. She must be living a glorious life while down here on earth it is so hard to deal with the loss. I am very thankful that I have God in my life...otherwise, I don't know how I would survive all of the punches and blows that have come and will continue to come my way.

I hope that as my week continues I will continue to keep my eyes focused on the Prize!

Winding down the work week...

It's Friday evening - WooHoo!! This was a rough week. I'm overly ecstatic about having a very quiet weekend at home with my family.

It was above all else a day of laughter - thankful for my friends at work! The laughs were much needed after an emotional week.

Off to Barnes & Noble to find part two to the book I just read - Knit Two. Will be a rainy weekend - nothing like a good book to curl up with (along with my hubby and dog children).