Processing

I quit smoking for good several years ago. I say for good because I had quit smoking multiple times before that but it never stuck...at the first sign of stress I would run out and buy a pack of smokes and never look back - that is until the next time I decided to quit. I didn't quit for good until after I was married - my husband put his foot down at a time when I needed him to and wouldn't let me buy a pack of cigs. It made me realize that the nicotine fits really didn't last that long after all and weren't so bad once you got to the other side.

On the flip side of not smoking I started eating a lot more. I was also cooking a lot since I had my new hubby to cook for. I love cooking, but it was pointless to cook when I was single unless I was entertaining (which was rare). Needless to say I gained 40 pounds in about 6 months time. This was devastating to me since I had always been tiny and never had a weight problem. I didn't know what to do with the weight - didn't know how to diet. It was all foreign to me.

I've realized over the past several months that there is a pattern in my life with taking things to the extreme - cleaning (control freak), smoking, eating. God showed me that I was trying to control the things that I could - the things that brought me comfort - because there was so much in my life growing up that I couldn't control. I went to the extreme with all of these habits or defense mechanisms because I wanted to make sure no one had the power to take them away from me as I felt stripped of all else. I didn't have these things all at once - they sort of replaced each other along the way. I saw that no one ever respected my boundaries so I put up these boundaries in place in my life that couldn't be touched. I now know that I can have boundaries in my life and my heart - God given boundaries. Other people may still choose not to respect them, but I have the authority to keep them out - something I didn't have growing up.

Even after having the above revelations I still struggle with eating and weight. I realize when things are going poorly I still turn to food for comfort - mainly I just lose motivation to exercise and eat right - it's not that I binge (although I used to). Having the extra weight in itself depresses me. I realized yesterday that there was only one time that I lost all of the weight, and it was after my second miscarriage and surgery. The doctor told us that we couldn't try for a year for safety reasons - so I went all out on exercise and diet since I didn't have to worry about taking precautions for a pregnancy. It dawned on me yesterday that ever since we started trying again (over a year ago now) I have put the weight back on and exercised minimally. I don't understand the correlation just yet of my weight issues and trying to get pregnant, but I know this is the root of my weight gain. It is almost like I am trying to mask something with my weight. Maybe it is the pain of not being pregnant and not being able to have any control over it (much like my other habits in the past), but that doesn't sit quite right.

I will continue processing this until I understand, but I look forward to putting this demon in the past - along with my much larger sized jeans!

Fading Fear

I haven't really posted about the hell we've been going through since a 17 year old kid made a threat against Chuck (which affects me as well since the kid lives 2 blocks from here and pointed out that he knows where we live). A warrant was made for his arrest, but he is hiding out, so while he is on the loose, I am very uneasy. I posted about the need to buy a gun - this is why. The day before yesterday this kid made about 6 phone calls to Chuck's office - when Chuck finally answered, the kid yelled at him asking him why he was charging him and insisting that the charges were lies made up by him. I can't tell you how many sleepless nights I have had over this situation. I have laid in bed at night gripped with fear. Fear is one of the most unpleasant feelings I have ever experienced, and I know that fear is straight from the devil!

Switching gears for a moment - yesterday morning I finally fell hard asleep. I had the most amazing dream (which was amazing in itself - usually I would have some fear driven nightmare under the circumstances). In the dream (this part was very weird) I was watching an episode of friends and Monica was mad at Rachel until Rachel told her she had won an exotic vacation and was taking Monica with her. The next thing I know I was overseas alone. I really can't remember the place it was supposed to be - it was a strange name that I've never heard of - I just know it is not in the US. Anyway I was at this place that was supposed to be a beach of sorts, but it looked more like a big desert. There were several large, round holes full of water. The water in the holes almost looked like big hot tubs in the middle of sand. I decided to stop at one of these holes and get in. There was a man sitting in the particular one I got in...nothing to note of that except he was a pleasant man just minding his business. The hole was a little deeper than I thought, so I stumbled a little bit. The man kind of chuckled while I made my way to sit on the sand and dangle my feet. I left this area and found a nice restaurant/veranda. I was thinking to myself that there has to be a real beach somewhere - I was certain I had read about it, so I looked on a map. Then I turned around and saw the most gorgeous creation. It was a large flowing stream-like ocean. It was moving rapidly, but it wasn't dangerous. In the middle of it was a huge rock-like formation - almost looked like it was made of wood. There were large canoes (can't remember the proper name or spelling, but they looked like the things you ride in Italy through the canals). People were riding in these canoes - one after the other. It looked like so much fun. I was immediately excited at the site of all of this, and I couldn't wait to take my turn in the canoe. My dream ended there.

After I woke up I was so amazed by my incredible dream, and I was so thankful to God for the wonderful distraction from the drama in my life...but more importantly I was thankful to God for showing up in my dreams with such encouragement and beauty. I think the desert is where I'm at now - but there is a quiet glimmer of hope peaking through (which is what the hot tubs represent). My heart, however, soars and longs for that adventurous ocean stream with God right in the center of it. God represented the rock. I have such a love of water and adventure - the adventure part has been dormant for years now too. God is waking up parts of my heart, and I am so thankful for that. I know that this season is all about experiencing Joy, and I know that is what that dream represented - raw joy and happiness and love! It made me so hopeful, and I desperately needed that.

I was pondering my dream yesterday as I was driving, and I realized that I lived under this same fear during my second pregnancy - I had this gripping fear that I was going to miscarry again (which I did). When I miscarried God was totally there to catch my fall and get me through that terribly emotional time in my life. I was able to grieve and have His peace at the same time. It was very surreal. I needed that reminder yesterday - it made me realize that God is there and will be there through this entire scary situation with the kid on the loose. Granted I still am having trouble sleeping, but I'm not gripped with the same paralyzing fear that I have been since this started (a month ago). In essence the fear is fading. I hope it will be completely faded soon - I really need to catch up on my sleep :).

Jumbled

The miserable week I was having last week turned into even more of a miserable weekend (and following Monday). I feel like I am coming out of that now, but still teetering more than I would like.

I realized that I was so jumbled up - had multiple issues attacking me at once until they all ran together and I couldn't make sense of any of them - I think this narrows down the list

* Figured out that by going to the gun range on Saturday that I felt violated for even having to be there. Of course no one put a gun to my head (poor choice of words there), but being threatened and feeling like a target in my own home made me feel the need to buy a gun (and more importantly learn how to safely use and own a gun). I hated the whole experience of the gun range - I'm just not comfortable around guns - let alone a multitude of loud and high powered ones. Found out the gun we bought sucked, and so began the process of finding the right one for us having now done research and having shot a small variety. We think we have it narrowed down to a Glock 26, but we shall see after taking our Gun Safety course and trying it out on the range this Saturday. Will be glad to have this whole process behind us or as much behind us as possible - which really means that my comfort level with guns has to increase.

*Figured out through a series of events, including an issue that came up with my mother as well as misunderstandings (lack of communication) with my husband that I have a huge issue of feeling passed over. It has clearly always been there (well as far back as I can remember) - I think God just showed me the root of that, hmmmm. I guess the nail that hit the hammer on that one is that I projected all of this onto God which leads to another area of struggle...

*Figured out that I feel passed over by God because I haven't been able to have children. I know I am not past the point of having them, but my heart is tired and weary. There is something in me that just can't give up the hope of getting pregnant - granted at this point it is such a small ember of a flame. Having a baby is something that I've always wanted - above all else (except a husband), so how do I lay down this desire? I don't think I'm supposed to lay down the desire, but I don't know how to remove it from the forefront of my mind - especially when I feel that the hands on my biological time clock are going around the circle for the last few times. Sometimes lately I wonder if I should give up on having children, and then I try to picture what that will be like - I just can't really go there though. The moment I try to picture it I am consumed with empty feelings of loneliness. My guess is there is a bigger root to all of this than just feeling passed over. I have no idea what that is at this point. There are so many people around me getting pregnant, and it is such an easy process for them - get married, get pregnant, have a baby. I am happy for these people, but it makes my heart hurt - it makes me feel like that awkward little girl that didn't get chosen for the team in middle school PE class. The way you stand there on display while everyone sees that you are a reject. I feel like I'm on display every time someone tells me they are pregnant. I try so hard to mask my own pain as all I feel is an emptiness in the pit of my stomach along with an ache so deep in my heart. I remember the excitement of being pregnant - I don't think I ever knew so much joy - and then all too soon I remember the sadness and heartache when I lost my babies. I mask all of that because I am sincerely happy for those around me that are pregnant. I hope that one day I will not feel that pang, but I truly don't know if it will ever go away. The topic of children is one I have struggled with for years, and I continue to struggle with it now. I pray that God will show me how to make peace with this whole situation.

*I guess writing all of this (which helps me process) has made me realize that I feel like I am flailing aimlessly along in life - I don't feel grounded. I don't think I fit in anywhere - mainly from a family perspective. I think maybe God is trying to show me where I fit by pulling me out of the pits I have been in that I thought were my place. He has definitely shown me places in my life (mainly relationships) that are unhealthy. Maybe I don't feel grounded right now because I'm not. I trust that God will plant me firmly down when it is time, and I think that time will be when I grasp the truth in my heart - His truth of where I belong and where I fit in.

I am giving God all of these things that are tumultuous in my heart - children, safety, finances, family, relationships. My concentration just needs to be on Him and the things that are in front of me - my husband, dogs, work, and I think most importantly right now, finding the Joy that He has for me in the little things - in everyday life.

Heart in the Sky

Been in kind of a funk for about a week - biggest reason is trying to deal with old and 'new that touch old' rejection issues. Coming out of part of that now. It definitely has been an interesting season. It has been a season of taking stands and writing God-given boundaries firmly in my heart. With each new stand I take I feel my heart come to life in areas that have been dormant for years. With each new stand I take I discover a truth about my real identity. With each new stand I take I feel a joy that was squashed by years of wounds.

Rejection tells you that you are really not that important. When you have been rejected for most of your life, you tend to have a low self worth, and it becomes very easy to let others hurt you over and over and over. It literally took me 40 years to realize that I do have worth and value - God created me, and He doesn't create anything that has no value or worth. I had a vision of the horrible person people have painted me to be, and I realized that person never even existed. Then I had another vision of that false person being nailed to the cross with Christ. Now I am not crowded and tainted by that false person posing as me. All that being said - the hurt is still there. I'm really not sure how to deal with it other than distancing myself from the source for a while. I tread on a thin line of trying not to let that hurt turn into bitterness. I try to forgive, but the heart is fragile. I no longer want to open up my heart to people that are not safe places for my heart. Unfortunately, I am not wired to have relationships that are only on the surface. I'm not good at spending time with people that I don't want to have deep relationships with - to me time is very valuable and precious, so why waste it on people that only hurt you even when those people are family? That is where I stay torn because family is one of the top priorities in my life. Maybe one day I will figure it out, but that day is truly not now.

Last week in the midst of all of this revelation and hurt I was experiencing - I was driving down the road and before me in the sky appeared a great big heart made of smoke from one of the Blue Angels. Wow - I was mesmerized. It was one of those 'God totally touched my heart' moments - made me smile from the inside out! Chuck and I went to watch the Blue Angels this past Saturday. Watching them made me so emotional, but I couldn't figure out why. God reminded me of the first time I ever saw fireworks. It was just me and my daddy in Las Vegas, NV. He took me outside in my PJs, and we sat on the curb and watched. I was so amazed at the beauty of it, and looking back I loved the special moment that I shared with my daddy. As weird as it seems, watching the Blue Angels and the amazement of that reminded me of that sacred memory. I loved being there with my special man (my sweet hubby) watching the jets in the sky reflecting on all that I love and hold dear. When you need it the most, God surprises you in the most glorious of ways!

I loved my heart in the sky!

It's a new day

Still don't have clarification on my dream yesterday, but definitely having tiny revelations along the way.

Chuck and I have been pondering a lot of ideas about our future - where we want to live being the main one. We finally decided to remain in Smyrna for a few more years, and then we will figure it out. I definitely need to live near an ocean! ...one thing I learned from my dream is that home is wherever you make it, so we are going to work on making this our home and filling it with love and joy. It's so easy to get caught up in the mundane tasks of life, and that is what we have done. In our heads moving somewhere is exciting, but in reality it won't change anything. After the newness wears off we will be doing the same things in our 'new place' as we do here. Our focus is to bring back the romance - romance with each other and romance with life - to me the most important romance is with Jesus, so that romance takes priority - really after that all others will fall into place.

Old House/New House

I had the strangest dream this morning (I say this morning because it was the only time I fell into a deep sleep thanks to 2 very cute Boston Terriers fighting for the prime position of my shoulder to sleep - well that coupled with this stupid fear that I can't seem to shake that Chuck's student is going to come seeking revenge. My mind runs wild with all kinds of scenarios - ready for that to end).

Anyway, back to my dream...even in my dream I remember telling my husband that I couldn't wait to blog about the experience we were having. We were at my old house in LaGrange only it didn't look like LaGrange or my old house. A little history -when I was growing up our house originally had 2 front doors - 1 on the left side of the porch and 1 on the right side of the porch. The door on the left side didn't actually function - it has been sealed long ago and was outside of the master bedroom. It was a very old house - around in the civil war (was used as a hospital I am told). Anyway I think it was a double home somehow, but I don't pretend to know.

In my dream we were passing by the house, and the owners had turned it into a double home again. We went to the door (at 10:00 at night) and I told them that I lived there as a little girl so they invited me in. We never went into the kitchen. We went into my 1st bedroom in the house - it still had baby blue shag carpet in it (though it was brand new carpet). That was the only similarity as I think about the dream, but in the dream it seemed real. The only other things I remember pointing out was the hallway - they had opened the door back up into the living room that my mom had closed off. All of the closets that Tully built were still there. It was a couple that owned the home...they lived in the right half and were going to rent out the left half. They had 2 small children, but they were away at the ladies' moms house for the night so the time didn't matter. At one point we were sitting in the living room, and the man told me I must really know the lay of the land like where the good stores were, etc. because I had lived there long ago with my father. I told him that I didn't really know because he died when I was 8. The lady asked me how old he was, and I told her 41. She was shocked -apparently this was her age or something close to it. That was the end of that dialogue. We thanked them for letting us in and keeping them awake and walked out. We decided to see if the other half was unlocked, and it was. You had to climb several stairs to get inside. They were dark and wooden, but very cozy - like a mountain home or something - struck me as something you would see in Vail, CO. Once we were inside I felt like I was in my other home - the 1st one in LaGrange that I lived in with my father (before my mother moved to NC from Vegas). There was a room that I told Chuck my father had cleared out in the old house. It seemed so familiar - I've had other dreams about this room (that doesn't really exist). I also kept looking for the big hallway (where I used to rollerskate), and I was disappointed that they had gotten rid of it. The couple walked in and didn't mind that we were there looking - Chuck helped the lady move a piece of furniture, and the dream ended.

That was so bizarre now that I write it out. I'm not sure of the meaning behind it, but hopefully it will begin to make sense soon.

Wow

I just opened this blog and realized it has been almost an entire year since I have posted anything! My entire world has been turned upside down in that amount of time - a lot of it was very painful. It seems like this year has been full of death. I've lost several close relatives, and the hardest 2 for me this year were my sweet doggies, Samson and Winston. We lost both of them at the beginning of the year. I don't want to dwell on that because I've blogged about it on my work blog site (Furry Chatter). I still miss those babies. We added 2 more furry babies in April - Baxter & Eddie, Boston Terrier puppies. They are now 7 months old and crazy as ever (in a good way).

This has also been a time of revelation for me. God has been faithful to reveal old wounds and heal them. Still working on a biggie - Seems whenever I have or have had a vice, I have it to the extreme...cleaning, drinking, smoking, eating. I realized that my boundaries have never really been respected. I've always been tossed aside almost invisible unless someone was having a bad day and I worked as the punching bag so to speak. My vices were the things I turned to as a defense mechanism, and I felt that they were the only things I could control so I went overboard with them since I couldn't control the other things in my life. I was very protective of 'my things' and was hell bent on not letting anyone steal them from me or get in the way. I still don't have full revelation on healing from this, but it is almost as if I just need to give up the reigns to God (which I thought I had done so many times - just goes to show you how our lives really are like onions - so many layers). I guess the hard part is knowing how to let go of the reigns - I've held them tight for 30+ years. I know that God will show me in His timing.

Now I feel like I am in a time of transition (yet again), and I keep fighting with anxiety. I am excited about what the future brings, but my struggle is enjoying the present - which is something I deem equally important. I feel like I have lost my way a little - been in a whirlwind and just landed and really don't know where I am or how I got here.

I guess that is enough random chattering for today. I've really missed blogging - just think I have been a little too emotional to want to open my heart, so I stayed hidden away (another defense mechanism).