Heart Ache

I'm having a bit of a rough day. I don't even fully understand why. I had a bad mammogram, so I had to go back for another more, in depth mammogram followed by an ultrasound. Today I went in for 3 cyst aspirations. The findings were abnormal, so now I sit and wait for the biopsy results. I feel numb to all of that somehow...meaning I hope the results don't come back negative/malignant, but if they do, I will approach that one step at a time. At the end of the day if it is my time, it is just my time. I'm not saying this in a morbid way, and of course, I'm not ready for my time to be up, but I do have peace about death whenever it must come.

I don't begin to understand the depth of my heart ache. The nurse (very sweet and nurturing lady) asked me today if I had children. I answered with a no, and somehow that was more painful than anything else I went through today. The nurse was just being nice. She could have no way of knowing that just a few years ago I was laying on a table trying to figure out if I was going to lose my baby - the second one in a year. I did lose my baby, and the miscarriage ended in surgery with the removal of my fallopian tube.

People ask all of the time if I have children...when I answer no, I feel judged...like what kind of selfish person am I to be in my 40s and married and not have children. No one knows the pain behind my answer, the pain that I desperately wanted those babies or the pain that I will never experience what giving birth will feel like...the pain that I didn't see what my children looked like as they were born...so much pain. I can't explain all of that because people will then just think I'm crazy or I shared too much information. It is a natural question, so I can't blame people for asking. I just hope that someday the pain I feel in my heart when I answer no will go away.

All of this brings me to how I really feel about so many things. I feel like a misfit. I just don't belong. I don't fit in my family, I'm completely rejected by my husband's family, and I don't have children. I know this sounds like a pity party, and maybe it is, but it is my way of venting and grieving more than anything. I somehow just keep stumbling through life - one tragic event after another. I really don't know where my threshold is. I know that God catches me every step of the way - that does make it easier, but it still isn't easy. I have no idea where my place is in this life on earth. There is so much more in my heart to give, and I have no outlet for it. I feel stranded - paralyzed really. I don't know which direction to go, and I've lost the motivation to put one foot in front of the other to just take off and land wherever I may. I don't know how to get that spunk back - I don't know how to make my heart quit hurting. I really need some divine intervention right now.

Memories

I find myself somewhat down these days. I'm not really sure why. My heart just feels heavy. This particular time period has so many painful memories for me - all centered around death. I know those that have died are in such a glorious place, and I'm happy for them. I know I will see them again, so me missing them is only temporary. My emotions take over, and I feel such a familiar feeling of pain - of being alone and isolated. Sometimes I have moments that make me wonder what my time on earth is really about - sometimes it just seems pointless. I'm just not okay with going through the motions of life until I get to the end of it. There has to be more. I always come back to this. I'm just not sure what the 'more' is.

I had a vision yesterday morning while I was sitting in church. I remembered holding my red Bible in my arms while I fell asleep. I have no idea what happened to that Bible. After my daddy died I walked to the drugstore and purchased it with my own money. My mother told me if I slept with my Bible under my pillow I wouldn't have nightmares anymore. Little did she know that she sent me right into the arms of the greatest Love I have ever known. When I saw this vision yesterday my heart filled with so much love. I love Jesus so deeply. My love for Him is so full that I can't even fathom it. This memory made me feel so whole. I'm not sure why God brought this to my attention after all these years, but I'm glad He did. I guess sometimes we just need to be reminded of simple things in life.