Nothing in particular

As the holiday season gets closer so does the drama. I really had intended for this Christmas to be focused solely on Christ - the real meaning of Christmas. I wanted it to be a small, intimate celebration. As usual family gets involved and it turns into something completely different until I dread it all together. Shame on me for letting that happen I suppose, but sometimes it happens so quickly you don't realize it was even happening. Feels like I was just dropped out of a tornado and am inspecting for damages. At the end of the day I will make the best out of the situation that I can. I have to keep reminding myself what Christmas is about and not get distracted by hurt and bitterness. I didn't realize I had bitterness in my heart until I woke up this morning. After all the drama yesterday I woke up feeling like I am in the middle of some deceitful spider web full of lies and hurtful words. I just want to be plucked out of the web and run as far and fast as possible never to look back. I guess I really just don't understand for the life of me how your family members act like they adore you to your face, and in the same minute they turn around and say mean things about you to another family member. I absolutely can't stand it when they tell you something about someone else and then say "don't tell them I said it". If you have to say that, then you shouldn't be saying it at all. I understand that we all grow up with painful things and circumstances (yes, some worse than others), but at some point you have to be accountable for your own actions - your circumstances can no longer be an excuse. It is never okay - the damage that is done because of your selfishness can't be undone. Now I am at a point where I just don't want to deal with any of it. The good news is that I finally see the truth of who I am. These hurtful things no longer hurt me because they are just lies. The truth has set me free. However, all of these hurtful things are causing me to drift further and further away. That is not what I want my life to be about or the life of my future children and family. This is definitely a season of taking stands in my life. You can give people a million chances, and at some point you just have to realize that you don't want to be at the receiving end of all of the ugly, manipulative crap. I use to feel the need to put up with such treatment because it was family, and that is the only family you are going to have...blah blah blah. Well, hopefully each person in our family is saved, and we will all be together in heaven where there is no pain, sorrow, backstabbing or hurt, but on this side of eternity I don't have to put up with it any longer. Enough is enough. ...and that is how I feel about that.

So I guess my "Nothing in particular" title turned into full fledged venting on family drama. Oh well.

Hot/Cold

Things have been running from hot to cold in my life. I am thankful for that wonderful weekend full of peace that I last blogged about, but it seems that was maybe a glimpse of future things to come or maybe just a much needed break from rough circumstances.

Two days before we were supposed to leave for Thanksgiving Chuck's tires got slashed in our driveway. We both know that it was this kid who has a vendetta. Ironically on that same day the kid sent an adult(ish) to our home to try to convince Chuck to drop the charges. All of it made us feel very violated. We were going to cancel our trip to Texas because we didn't want to leave our dogs and a pet sitter in our house where they could be attacked. It was a huge blessing when John, our pet sitter, told us he would keep Baxter & Eddie at his house.

So we did end up going to Texas for Thanksgiving, and it was a very relaxing time with family. We really needed the break.

Things have been even keel since we got home - both of us have been extremely busy with work, and in between work and sleep, we have been making changes to the interior of our house. We kept thinking we really wanted to move, and we were really considering it. I hired a stager a few months ago, and she had some really great ideas. After all was said and done and we realized we couldn't go anywhere, we decided to still implement some of the changes that were suggested. AMAZING that a few changes can make you feel like you have a brand new home. We are both loving our house now and have no desire to go anywhere (even though the kid still lurks). I think this is a huge blessing from God - the house changes - really the whole progression of things. We have been on a tight journey with God, and He has been faithful to steer us in the right direction when we were trying to take the complete opposite path...He has shown us such wonderful things along the way. We have grown in our marriage and grown as a family in this process - it has been an incredible experience.

We still don't feel settled - there are still some pieces that need to fall into place, but I believe that is a process, and we have to walk it out. This is a tremendous time of healing from old wounds. In addition to that we are at a growing point for my business - it is time to hire people and expand into other parts of Cobb County. Just waiting on the proper timing and a clear enough head to move forward with that. I'm still struggling with my desire to be a mom. It is just not a desire I can lay down. With each passing day it seems that I lose hope - it is like a constant yo-yo in my mind -one day I'm full of hope, and the next I am hopeless. It has been especially hard this year with the holidays. I've never experienced this sadness at Christmas, but whenever I see little kids doing what little kids do I feel a pang in my heart that I've never felt before. I would definitely go ahead and start adoption proceedings if it was financially possible, but it isn't.

I guess when you break things down it doesn't seem like that much:

1. having space from family drama and healing

2. growing a business

3. having a baby

4. keeping crazy kids away :)

5. finishing touches on our house

I guess writing this was therapeutic - cleared up some of the clouds in my head. I've been so overwhelmed for some reason.

At the end of the day life is great! I have been blessed beyond measure. I know a love that is so great it is hard to comprehend. I also know that because of that love all things will fall into place - maybe not the place I would put them, but a place that is far better than I could imagine.