Funny...after 43 years I realize that time doesn't stand still. Of course, I've always realized it, but I now realize it deep in the recesses of my heart. I also realize that I wish it did stand still from time to time. There have been times in my life that I needed it to stand still. If it had, maybe things would be a lot different right now.
I realize that in all of my traumatic moments in life, life just kept going for everyone else, even those closest to me. I always just jumped back on the life train too - what else was I supposed to do? You can't make people stop to have a good cry with you. You can't make people understand your grief and pain. What can people possibly do to shoulder deep angst for you in your worst hour? Unfortunately, I never had anyone stop and tell me that they love me and they were there for me. I never had anyone tell me that they knew how hard it was for me. I don't know what kind of difference that would have made, but I have to believe it would have made a difference. For once I may have felt like I mattered. For once I may have felt like I was important to someone. For once I may have felt like someone loved me so much that they just couldn't bear to see my heart broken into tiny little pieces. For once I may not have felt alone and scared. For once I may have felt like I had the support and love of those around me to move on one baby step at a time while my heart truly healed. For once I may have felt like I was special to someone - special enough for them to spend a little bit of time in an uncomfortable place just to give me comfort. I truly wonder what all of that would feel like.
Instead my pattern has been to accept all of the lies - I'm not special. I don't matter. No one should have time for me. I have no value. I have no worth. I'm just a thing that exists and takes up space. I know the opposite of all of that is true, but my heart doesn't know it. I know I should invite people into my heart, but the fear of feeling vulnerable and being rejected is far too great a risk for me. I really don't even know how to let someone carry the burden of my heartaches. I wish I could figure it out. Honestly, I guess God is the only one that can truly carry those burdens. I just pray that my heart will feel and accept the truth - the truth of who I am - the truth of who I am to God - the truth of what being His daughter means - the truth of how valuable being the daughter of God means I am.
Only I can make time stand still as I crawl into the arms of the One that is Timeless and True.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Monday, September 2, 2013
Stumbling Blocks
I've been feeling quite emotional lately (as always when I'm blogging here). I feel hopeless, and I hate that. Having the house on the market makes me feel like I have to prepare myself for yet another disappointment in life. So strange that I feel like things just don't go my way...really, it only seems like that happens in the deepest desires of my heart. I feel like there is some wall up - almost like I'm blocking God from going there - from releasing these desires. I know that sounds extremely strange, and I don't even fully grasp it. That is just how it feels.
I've been praying for clarity. The picture I got today was of a 10ish year old me...sitting on the front porch swing all alone. I felt so lonely and hopeless - much like I've been feeling lately. I felt that way on Sundays the most - after my mom went away to work. I was always just alone with my thoughts and my heartache with no outlet for them. I hated those days.
I know that God can do anything. I've always known this. However, He doesn't always do the things I want, and it makes me so disappointed. It makes me feel so insignificant and unimportant. It makes me feel like I don't deserve to be truly happy. I just have to take what I get, adjust to it and move on. That is such a horrible pattern in my life - one I've had since childhood as far back as I can remember. There has been someone else in my life as far back as I can remember that has always done the same thing to me and made me feel the same way. I guess I project all of that onto God.
I pray that God will show me that kind of love - the kind that I've been missing all of my life.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
A New Era
There is so much going on in my life right now that it is very hard to think straight. I find myself losing my train of thought every 15 minutes or so. I hate it when that happens...especially since I hate feeling out of control.
I've had this sick, nervy feeling in my stomach for about a week now. I'm not entirely sure what the root of it is, but I have a general idea. Chuck and I decided to finally put our house on the market. We have wanted to move for quite some time, but the timing never quite worked out. We rented an apartment to move into while our house is on the market to alleviate the stress of getting home to remove our dogs every time the house needs to show as well as keeping our house show ready since we have very busy schedules.
I feel jumbled trying to get the house ready for showing while working and commuting. Chuck just started his new job as Principal, so I need to manage as much of this as possible because he needs to be at work. Add in trying to get an apartment hooked up and moved into along with my normal work duties, and that alone is enough to wear anyone out.
Here's the emotional part...our house is the first house Chuck bought. He lived there with 2 roommates from our old church prior to us getting together. There were various church functions at that house - mostly singles meetings and hangouts. That church represents a lot of hurt and pain for both Chuck and me. It was a situation that ended badly. The hurt and pain was different for both of us because it affected us in different ways. For me I felt like it ripped away one of the most precious things in my life - my family (my oldest brother, his wife and their 4 kids). To this day I'm not sure that I fully comprehend all of it. I know that it took me years of praying and crying before I really felt like I had gotten through all of the pain. Clearly I still haven't, or I would't feel the way I do right now. I know there has been complete healing where my brother is concerned. Things have greatly improved and continue to improve with my sister-n-law. I definitely don't have a close connection with my nephews and niece due to everything that happened, but I've made peace with that. I think ultimately my hurt and even bitterness stems back to the pastors of that church. They were rude and self-serving. They taught others that people were supposed to follow them and serve them in order to follow Christ. You were a nobody unless you were a leader in that church, and all of the nobodies were nothing more than slaves that were meant to cater to the elitist. I know those words are filled with venom, and I hate admitting that is how I really feel. My family (me not included) were leaders in that church. Because I wasn't some subservient girl, I was deemed bad. I was pretty much excluded from my family at that point (by my family). I know that they were responsible for their own actions, and that is all water under the bridge to me at this point. What I have realized this week is that I haven't forgiven the Buhlers, and I really don't know how to or care to. Unlike my family, I don't want to have anything to do with them. There is only 1 person from that church that I still have in my life, and that's because she has a pure heart after God's own heart. I've stripped everyone else from my life. I guess what I really have done is just remove myself to avoid the pain of what was done to me. All of the hurt and bitterness are still there. What made me finally realize it is the emotions with finally being away from the house after it sales (the last reminder of that church), and even more than that - my nephew is getting married this weekend, and it is highly possible that the Buhlers will be there. I really don't want to see them.
All I can do is pray for God to help me release this bitterness and hurt. I also pray that He would show me the truth because I clearly believed lies about myself through all of this. They made me feel like I was just lowly and had no worth...
God has been showing me lately that I am his daughter and He adores me. He chose me to be His beloved, and no one can take that away. He has been showing me that I shouldn't cringe at being in my 40s or weigh more than I did in my 20s and 30s. I've been through so much healing and had so much intimacy with Christ over the past 8 years. I'm so much better than I've ever been. I feel more beautiful. I feel more free. I'm happy with who I am. I know who I am. I am the daughter of God. I am a Saint. I am beautiful. I am in love with my savior. He is in love with me.
I know it is time to forgive and to nail my memories of these people to the cross. It is also time to nail the person they made me out to be to the cross as well.
I'm so ready for a fresh start with my wonderful husband and beautiful dog children. Let the new era begin.
I've had this sick, nervy feeling in my stomach for about a week now. I'm not entirely sure what the root of it is, but I have a general idea. Chuck and I decided to finally put our house on the market. We have wanted to move for quite some time, but the timing never quite worked out. We rented an apartment to move into while our house is on the market to alleviate the stress of getting home to remove our dogs every time the house needs to show as well as keeping our house show ready since we have very busy schedules.
I feel jumbled trying to get the house ready for showing while working and commuting. Chuck just started his new job as Principal, so I need to manage as much of this as possible because he needs to be at work. Add in trying to get an apartment hooked up and moved into along with my normal work duties, and that alone is enough to wear anyone out.
Here's the emotional part...our house is the first house Chuck bought. He lived there with 2 roommates from our old church prior to us getting together. There were various church functions at that house - mostly singles meetings and hangouts. That church represents a lot of hurt and pain for both Chuck and me. It was a situation that ended badly. The hurt and pain was different for both of us because it affected us in different ways. For me I felt like it ripped away one of the most precious things in my life - my family (my oldest brother, his wife and their 4 kids). To this day I'm not sure that I fully comprehend all of it. I know that it took me years of praying and crying before I really felt like I had gotten through all of the pain. Clearly I still haven't, or I would't feel the way I do right now. I know there has been complete healing where my brother is concerned. Things have greatly improved and continue to improve with my sister-n-law. I definitely don't have a close connection with my nephews and niece due to everything that happened, but I've made peace with that. I think ultimately my hurt and even bitterness stems back to the pastors of that church. They were rude and self-serving. They taught others that people were supposed to follow them and serve them in order to follow Christ. You were a nobody unless you were a leader in that church, and all of the nobodies were nothing more than slaves that were meant to cater to the elitist. I know those words are filled with venom, and I hate admitting that is how I really feel. My family (me not included) were leaders in that church. Because I wasn't some subservient girl, I was deemed bad. I was pretty much excluded from my family at that point (by my family). I know that they were responsible for their own actions, and that is all water under the bridge to me at this point. What I have realized this week is that I haven't forgiven the Buhlers, and I really don't know how to or care to. Unlike my family, I don't want to have anything to do with them. There is only 1 person from that church that I still have in my life, and that's because she has a pure heart after God's own heart. I've stripped everyone else from my life. I guess what I really have done is just remove myself to avoid the pain of what was done to me. All of the hurt and bitterness are still there. What made me finally realize it is the emotions with finally being away from the house after it sales (the last reminder of that church), and even more than that - my nephew is getting married this weekend, and it is highly possible that the Buhlers will be there. I really don't want to see them.
All I can do is pray for God to help me release this bitterness and hurt. I also pray that He would show me the truth because I clearly believed lies about myself through all of this. They made me feel like I was just lowly and had no worth...
God has been showing me lately that I am his daughter and He adores me. He chose me to be His beloved, and no one can take that away. He has been showing me that I shouldn't cringe at being in my 40s or weigh more than I did in my 20s and 30s. I've been through so much healing and had so much intimacy with Christ over the past 8 years. I'm so much better than I've ever been. I feel more beautiful. I feel more free. I'm happy with who I am. I know who I am. I am the daughter of God. I am a Saint. I am beautiful. I am in love with my savior. He is in love with me.
I know it is time to forgive and to nail my memories of these people to the cross. It is also time to nail the person they made me out to be to the cross as well.
I'm so ready for a fresh start with my wonderful husband and beautiful dog children. Let the new era begin.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Memorial Day
Memorial Day for a lot of people represents a holiday - meaning time off from work, time for the beach with friends, or cookouts with lots of laughter. For a lot of other people, Memorial Day is a time to give thanks and remember those that have served our country and put their lives on the line for our freedom. When you think of it that way, it is a very somber day.
This Memorial Day weekend was strange for me, but strange in a good way. I've been so busy with work and life, I must admit I was very happy to have the long weekend. I spent it with family - my nephews's graduation and graduation party. As the long, busy weekend was coming to a close, I was thankful for the extra day on Monday to just rest and reflect. As I reflected I felt like a season of my life was coming to a close. How ironic that on Memorial Day I felt so many bad things from my past - meaning heartbreaking times, wounds, hurts - were finally being laid to rest. My heart finally feels at peace. All I kept hearing was that hope and love remain. That is a very beautiful picture of my future...hope and love - two things that have felt distant for quite some time.
This Memorial Day weekend was strange for me, but strange in a good way. I've been so busy with work and life, I must admit I was very happy to have the long weekend. I spent it with family - my nephews's graduation and graduation party. As the long, busy weekend was coming to a close, I was thankful for the extra day on Monday to just rest and reflect. As I reflected I felt like a season of my life was coming to a close. How ironic that on Memorial Day I felt so many bad things from my past - meaning heartbreaking times, wounds, hurts - were finally being laid to rest. My heart finally feels at peace. All I kept hearing was that hope and love remain. That is a very beautiful picture of my future...hope and love - two things that have felt distant for quite some time.
Death
Death leaves me with such an indescribable feeling...empty, alone, isolated, still, frozen, paralyzed, sad, lost. I'm sure I could come up with many other descriptors. I guess I continue to be shocked by these feelings when I lose someone.
I found out about a sudden death this weekend of a former co-worker. I'm still in shock really. I guess the odd thing is I don't know why...life is fleeting. You never know when any of us will be plucked away. I guess I like to think my heart is numb to those feelings, but then they creep back in and take over. I was remembering all of the times we stood outside while he was on smoke breaks with our little crowd of people joking around having a grand time. What if I had known he would be taken away just a few short years from now? What if I had known that my first boyfriend that I adored would no longer be walking this earth a couple of decades beyond our sweet time together? Would I have done anything differently? I guess not - would have just made me sad way ahead of time and kept me from enjoying what was in front of my face.
I am thankful that I believe in eternity with a magnificent God. I can only hope that eveyone I hold dear to my heart has the same beliefs so that I can rest assured they are truly in a better place. Unfortunately, the only ones that can be assured of that are them and God. I once so naively told someone that they could take comfort in knowing that their spouse was in a better place and they would be together again. I was very quickly told that didn't make it any better. I know that is really true. It gives me a tiny bit of peace, but really all I can think of is that for the rest of my life on this earth (with only God knowing how long that is), I will never see the smile, hear the laugh, feel the embrace of this being that my heart has come to love. Forever sure seems like a long time away when you are faced with these empty feelings that only death can bring.
I think for me these feelings of death are multiplied. It always takes me back to the worst time of my life. When I lose someone that I know, the feelings and emotions come rushing back. My heart aches for the people that are the closest - a mom, brother/sister, daughter/son. I'd like to say it gets easier, but I don't know if that is accurate. I guess it gets easier over time...until you lose someone else you know...and then you remember all of the pain as if you are living it.
Hopefully, this won't always be the case. I have faith that my Love will revisit this most painful time with me and fill my heart with the love I thought I lost all those years ago.
I found out about a sudden death this weekend of a former co-worker. I'm still in shock really. I guess the odd thing is I don't know why...life is fleeting. You never know when any of us will be plucked away. I guess I like to think my heart is numb to those feelings, but then they creep back in and take over. I was remembering all of the times we stood outside while he was on smoke breaks with our little crowd of people joking around having a grand time. What if I had known he would be taken away just a few short years from now? What if I had known that my first boyfriend that I adored would no longer be walking this earth a couple of decades beyond our sweet time together? Would I have done anything differently? I guess not - would have just made me sad way ahead of time and kept me from enjoying what was in front of my face.
I am thankful that I believe in eternity with a magnificent God. I can only hope that eveyone I hold dear to my heart has the same beliefs so that I can rest assured they are truly in a better place. Unfortunately, the only ones that can be assured of that are them and God. I once so naively told someone that they could take comfort in knowing that their spouse was in a better place and they would be together again. I was very quickly told that didn't make it any better. I know that is really true. It gives me a tiny bit of peace, but really all I can think of is that for the rest of my life on this earth (with only God knowing how long that is), I will never see the smile, hear the laugh, feel the embrace of this being that my heart has come to love. Forever sure seems like a long time away when you are faced with these empty feelings that only death can bring.
I think for me these feelings of death are multiplied. It always takes me back to the worst time of my life. When I lose someone that I know, the feelings and emotions come rushing back. My heart aches for the people that are the closest - a mom, brother/sister, daughter/son. I'd like to say it gets easier, but I don't know if that is accurate. I guess it gets easier over time...until you lose someone else you know...and then you remember all of the pain as if you are living it.
Hopefully, this won't always be the case. I have faith that my Love will revisit this most painful time with me and fill my heart with the love I thought I lost all those years ago.
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