Death

Death leaves me with such an indescribable feeling...empty, alone, isolated, still, frozen, paralyzed, sad, lost.  I'm sure I could come up with many other descriptors.  I guess I continue to be shocked by these feelings when I lose someone.

I found out about a sudden death this weekend of a former co-worker.  I'm still in shock really.  I guess the odd thing is I don't know why...life is fleeting.  You never know when any of us will be plucked away.  I guess I like to think my heart is numb to those feelings, but then they creep back in and take over.  I was remembering all of the times we stood outside while he was on smoke breaks with our little crowd of people joking around having a grand time.  What if I had known he would be taken away just a few short years from now?  What if I had known that my first boyfriend that I adored would no longer be walking this earth a couple of decades beyond our sweet time together?  Would I have done anything differently?  I guess not - would have just made me sad way ahead of time and kept me from enjoying what was in front of my face.

I am thankful that I believe in eternity with a magnificent God.  I can only hope that eveyone I hold dear to my heart has the same beliefs so that I can rest assured they are truly in a better place.  Unfortunately, the only ones that can be assured of that are them and God.  I once so naively told someone that they could take comfort in knowing that their spouse was in a better place and they would be together again.  I was very quickly told that didn't make it any better.  I know that is really true.  It gives me a tiny bit of peace, but really all I can think of is that for the rest of my life on this earth (with only God knowing how long that is), I will never see the smile, hear the laugh, feel the embrace of this being that my heart has come to love.  Forever sure seems like a long time away when you are faced with these empty feelings that only death can bring.

I think for me these feelings of death are multiplied.  It always takes me back to the worst time of my life.  When I lose someone that I know, the feelings and emotions come rushing back.  My heart aches for the people that are the closest - a mom, brother/sister, daughter/son.  I'd like to say it gets easier, but I don't know if that is accurate.  I guess it gets easier over time...until you lose someone else you know...and then you remember all of the pain as if you are living it.

Hopefully, this won't always be the case.  I have faith that my Love will revisit this most painful time with me and fill my heart with the love I thought I lost all those years ago.