God has been so faithful to bring newness into my life, and it has been such a good thing for me...it has also been a big adjustment. I think I am still adjusting. Along with getting adjusted to the new things in my life, it seems as though so many things - deep things, thoughts, hopes, dreams, sadness, heartache - have been running rampant just above me. These things keep swooping down and pulling me off the ground and clouding my heart and my head. It feels very unsettling - not like the unsettling I always felt in the past, but more like a stretching. I'm being taken out of my comfort zone (which I don't do so well with). I am only realizing this just now as I write this...I love how God brings revelation to me as I sit and start typing out my thoughts and feelings. I'm not sure what the stretching is about, but I do know I have been revisiting dreams I had laid to rest and made peace with. I think I want to revisit those dreams, but I keep having doubts. I feel like I need to throw my doubts to the wind and just trust God and see what happens. Tonight I kind of feel like I know what is going to happen, but I have to admit that I have a wall around my heart - a fear of trusting - a fear of opening my heart back up to something that was so painful for me. It's a really strange place to be...I think I just need to spend a couple of months praying and letting God prepare my heart. I've been so caught up in life lately - I feel so distant from God. I know that is my doing - not His. I miss the touch that only He can give, yet I keep Him at bay. I wonder why. I think it is all part of the stretching. I'm being reminded of the scripture where Jesus fed the masses - I'm not sure why or what the correlation is. Jesus tried to go away alone to pray and spend time with God, but the masses followed Him, and He was busy. I guess I have just been busy - but I have also had a lot of revelations. Now is my quiet time - time to be fed - time to understand - time to be still and just be with Him. It is time to crawl under His wings and just bask in His warmth and love and take in His sweet smell and to breathe deeply and be unconcerned with temporal things.
I read a wonderful book tonight - 'Heaven is for real'. This book touched my heart in so many ways. I guess it gave me a heavenly perspective and made me realize that some of the things that have been bogging me down are just pointless. These things are so temporary - in the end they won't even matter. This book also gave me insight into my children that are in heaven. They have been growing up in heaven...that gives me such a complete feeling - knowing my babies are being raised by God, and they are there with my daddy and my grandparents and so many others that I have loved and lost. This book also reminded me of a dream that I have had for a long time, and it showed me a missing piece of the puzzle. I can't wait to see if the puzzle piece comes forth. It doesn't seem possible, but I know all things are possible with Him that loves me.
I realize this post is ambiguous, but I will be more forthright as things come to fruition...for now they are from my heart to His....sweet whispers filled with love and a faint desire.
