God is good!

I was reading some posts on Facebook today.  I realized how much people say God is good when their prayers are answered.  That seems so strange to me - it's almost like you are telling God "good job" or "well done" when He does things the way you want them done.  It's almost like God's praise is based on His performance.

The truth is that God is good all of the time.  Even when your prayers aren't answered.  Ultimately God answers prayers that are prayed according to His will.  We don't always know what His will is, but we do know that everything works together for good for those that are called according to His purpose.

I've been through quite a few hard things in my life.  What I know is that the outcome has so many times not been what my heart has desired no matter how fervent my prayers were.  Ultimately I prayed God's will be done not mine.  I know there was purpose in my circumstances.  It didn't make the situation any easier.  What made the situation easier was feeling the embrace of God through it all.  Walking through painful things on this earth made me draw closer to God.  He gave me peace.  He made me realize that no matter what life throws me, I can just lay down and weep.  I don't have to be strong.  He is strong in my place.  He will pick me up and carry me until I can walk again.  Negative outcomes don't mean God loves me any less.  I know that He weeps when I weep.  He wipes away my tears, and He heals my heart.

You never know how you are going to respond to things until you walk through them.  I'm thankful for my walks with God during the painful times even when my heart was broken into pieces.  I pray that everyone that is quick to tell God how good He is when all goes well will remember how good He is when things aren't going well.  I hope and pray that those people will see just how much God loves them regardless of circumstances.

He is so beautiful.  He touches my heart in a way that words can't explain.  He is so strong and all encompassing.  His love is like the wind - strong and swaying and powerful at times, and at others times so gentle with an ever so soft breeze that lightly brushes and caresses.  Sheer perfection!

Easter 2012

I'm not sure where to start. My heart feels so jumbled...so many memories. It's almost like I've seen the last 33 years flash before my eyes and heart today. For so many years I have associated Easter with death - my daddy died 33 years ago at Easter - April 12, 1979. In 2009 I had the best Easter ever - I realized what the true meaning of the resurrection was about...not just the cross, but the cross and the resurrection! The resurrection is about living and life and beauty and love - it truly embodies the abundant life that Christ has for us. I finally had the revelation that my daddy wasn't dead - neither were my sweet babies - they are all in heaven fully alive and in the most glorious of places.

It's strange today that I woke up so sad - like so many other easters - feeling the pain of that day. I keep having flashbacks of the funeral - of feeling alone there - watching the one that loved me like no other being torn away from me.

Sometimes it feels like I have just been floundering through life trying to survive - but I have to ask am I trying to survive or am I trying to get to the end? Something is missing in my heart, and I know what it is, but I don't know how to get it back. Maybe it's harder to get it back when all hope is gone of past dreams. I need some new dreams. I need a new level of intimacy with my Love. I need Him to give me direction. I feel empty and fruitless.

I feel like today is a day to grieve...to grieve lost dreams, broken heartedness, old hurts and wounds, loss. It's time for those things to be nailed to the cross.

I'm 41 today - the same age my daddy was when he died. He died 33 years ago today - the same age Jesus was when He died on the cross for me. That seems significant to me. It also seems significant that 3 years ago I had so many life changing revelations - for 3 years I have been walking as who God says I am. Jesus ministered for 3 years.

I feel that tomorrow is a new beginning for me...I don't know why...that is just what I sense. It's a time to let go of things and begin again with new life - new wineskins. I get a picture of God sifting the things from me that are of Him - my heart, my love, my wisdom, my mercy, my compassion and moving them all to a new beginning - letting the old go.

I have been struggling lately - feeling like I 'peaked' in my 30s...that is quite depressing, and it is also completely a world view - that is only important on this earth because society deems it that way. It is a struggle for me because I never felt I had acceptance from people important to me until I 'looked' a certain way. Chuck made some comment about my sweet Sammie Sosa being in heaven and having a new body the other day, when it dawned on me - I truly haven't peaked. I won't peak until I'm in heaven with a new body. This body is just temporary and it houses me - it doesn't define me. It was a nice revelation. I've known it in meaning for some time, but I think I just got it in my heart.

I hope the heaviness of today will be gone tomorrow. I hope I will have new dreams and songs in my heart. I pray for deep whispers of love and promise and hope. I pray for new kisses that are soft and sweet - kisses that will fill all of the holes of past hurts and disappointments. I pray for your gentleness to take my breath away each and every day. I pray that I find your beauty in simple things and that it touches my heart to the core. I pray that the raw emotion and openness of my heart will touch your heart to the core. I pray for new dances built upon a lifetime of love - effortless and flowing filled with love and passion - where our hearts are in perfect rhythm.

I look forward to a new day where the best is here and is yet to come.

Heart Ache

I'm having a bit of a rough day. I don't even fully understand why. I had a bad mammogram, so I had to go back for another more, in depth mammogram followed by an ultrasound. Today I went in for 3 cyst aspirations. The findings were abnormal, so now I sit and wait for the biopsy results. I feel numb to all of that somehow...meaning I hope the results don't come back negative/malignant, but if they do, I will approach that one step at a time. At the end of the day if it is my time, it is just my time. I'm not saying this in a morbid way, and of course, I'm not ready for my time to be up, but I do have peace about death whenever it must come.

I don't begin to understand the depth of my heart ache. The nurse (very sweet and nurturing lady) asked me today if I had children. I answered with a no, and somehow that was more painful than anything else I went through today. The nurse was just being nice. She could have no way of knowing that just a few years ago I was laying on a table trying to figure out if I was going to lose my baby - the second one in a year. I did lose my baby, and the miscarriage ended in surgery with the removal of my fallopian tube.

People ask all of the time if I have children...when I answer no, I feel judged...like what kind of selfish person am I to be in my 40s and married and not have children. No one knows the pain behind my answer, the pain that I desperately wanted those babies or the pain that I will never experience what giving birth will feel like...the pain that I didn't see what my children looked like as they were born...so much pain. I can't explain all of that because people will then just think I'm crazy or I shared too much information. It is a natural question, so I can't blame people for asking. I just hope that someday the pain I feel in my heart when I answer no will go away.

All of this brings me to how I really feel about so many things. I feel like a misfit. I just don't belong. I don't fit in my family, I'm completely rejected by my husband's family, and I don't have children. I know this sounds like a pity party, and maybe it is, but it is my way of venting and grieving more than anything. I somehow just keep stumbling through life - one tragic event after another. I really don't know where my threshold is. I know that God catches me every step of the way - that does make it easier, but it still isn't easy. I have no idea where my place is in this life on earth. There is so much more in my heart to give, and I have no outlet for it. I feel stranded - paralyzed really. I don't know which direction to go, and I've lost the motivation to put one foot in front of the other to just take off and land wherever I may. I don't know how to get that spunk back - I don't know how to make my heart quit hurting. I really need some divine intervention right now.

Memories

I find myself somewhat down these days. I'm not really sure why. My heart just feels heavy. This particular time period has so many painful memories for me - all centered around death. I know those that have died are in such a glorious place, and I'm happy for them. I know I will see them again, so me missing them is only temporary. My emotions take over, and I feel such a familiar feeling of pain - of being alone and isolated. Sometimes I have moments that make me wonder what my time on earth is really about - sometimes it just seems pointless. I'm just not okay with going through the motions of life until I get to the end of it. There has to be more. I always come back to this. I'm just not sure what the 'more' is.

I had a vision yesterday morning while I was sitting in church. I remembered holding my red Bible in my arms while I fell asleep. I have no idea what happened to that Bible. After my daddy died I walked to the drugstore and purchased it with my own money. My mother told me if I slept with my Bible under my pillow I wouldn't have nightmares anymore. Little did she know that she sent me right into the arms of the greatest Love I have ever known. When I saw this vision yesterday my heart filled with so much love. I love Jesus so deeply. My love for Him is so full that I can't even fathom it. This memory made me feel so whole. I'm not sure why God brought this to my attention after all these years, but I'm glad He did. I guess sometimes we just need to be reminded of simple things in life.

A New Perspective

It has only been 4.5 months since my last post, but it feels like forever for some reason.

God has been so faithful to bring newness into my life, and it has been such a good thing for me...it has also been a big adjustment. I think I am still adjusting. Along with getting adjusted to the new things in my life, it seems as though so many things - deep things, thoughts, hopes, dreams, sadness, heartache - have been running rampant just above me. These things keep swooping down and pulling me off the ground and clouding my heart and my head. It feels very unsettling - not like the unsettling I always felt in the past, but more like a stretching. I'm being taken out of my comfort zone (which I don't do so well with). I am only realizing this just now as I write this...I love how God brings revelation to me as I sit and start typing out my thoughts and feelings. I'm not sure what the stretching is about, but I do know I have been revisiting dreams I had laid to rest and made peace with. I think I want to revisit those dreams, but I keep having doubts. I feel like I need to throw my doubts to the wind and just trust God and see what happens. Tonight I kind of feel like I know what is going to happen, but I have to admit that I have a wall around my heart - a fear of trusting - a fear of opening my heart back up to something that was so painful for me. It's a really strange place to be...I think I just need to spend a couple of months praying and letting God prepare my heart. I've been so caught up in life lately - I feel so distant from God. I know that is my doing - not His. I miss the touch that only He can give, yet I keep Him at bay. I wonder why. I think it is all part of the stretching. I'm being reminded of the scripture where Jesus fed the masses - I'm not sure why or what the correlation is. Jesus tried to go away alone to pray and spend time with God, but the masses followed Him, and He was busy. I guess I have just been busy - but I have also had a lot of revelations. Now is my quiet time - time to be fed - time to understand - time to be still and just be with Him. It is time to crawl under His wings and just bask in His warmth and love and take in His sweet smell and to breathe deeply and be unconcerned with temporal things.

I read a wonderful book tonight - 'Heaven is for real'. This book touched my heart in so many ways. I guess it gave me a heavenly perspective and made me realize that some of the things that have been bogging me down are just pointless. These things are so temporary - in the end they won't even matter. This book also gave me insight into my children that are in heaven. They have been growing up in heaven...that gives me such a complete feeling - knowing my babies are being raised by God, and they are there with my daddy and my grandparents and so many others that I have loved and lost. This book also reminded me of a dream that I have had for a long time, and it showed me a missing piece of the puzzle. I can't wait to see if the puzzle piece comes forth. It doesn't seem possible, but I know all things are possible with Him that loves me.

I realize this post is ambiguous, but I will be more forthright as things come to fruition...for now they are from my heart to His....sweet whispers filled with love and a faint desire.