Time Doesn't Stand Still

Funny...after 43 years I realize that time doesn't stand still.  Of course, I've always realized it, but I now realize it deep in the recesses of my heart.  I also realize that I wish it did stand still from time to time.  There have been times in my life that I needed it to stand still.  If it had, maybe things would be a lot different right now.

I realize that in all of my traumatic moments in life, life just kept going for everyone else, even those closest to me.  I always just jumped back on the life train too - what else was I supposed to do?  You can't make people stop to have a good cry with you.  You can't make people understand your grief and pain.  What can people possibly do to shoulder deep angst for you in your worst hour?  Unfortunately, I never had anyone stop and tell me that they love me and they were there for me.  I never had anyone tell me that they knew how hard it was for me.  I don't know what kind of difference that would have made, but I have to believe it would have made a difference.  For once I may have felt like I mattered.  For once I may have felt like I was important to someone.  For once I may have felt like someone loved me so much that they just couldn't bear to see my heart broken into tiny little pieces.  For once I may not have felt alone and scared.  For once I may have felt like I had the support and love of those around me to move on one baby step at a time while my heart truly healed.  For once I may have felt like I was special to someone - special enough for them to spend a little bit of time in an uncomfortable place just to give me comfort.  I truly wonder what all of that would feel like.

Instead my pattern has been to accept all of the lies - I'm not special.  I don't matter.  No one should have time for me.  I have no value.  I have no worth.  I'm just a thing that exists and takes up space.  I know the opposite of all of that is true, but my heart doesn't know it.  I know I should invite people into my heart, but the fear of feeling vulnerable and being rejected is far too great a risk for me.  I really don't even know how to let someone carry the burden of my heartaches.  I wish I could figure it out.  Honestly, I guess God is the only one that can truly carry those burdens.    I just pray that my heart will feel and accept the truth - the truth of who I am - the truth of who I am to God - the truth of what being His daughter means  - the truth of how valuable being the daughter of God means I am.

Only I can make time stand still as I crawl into the arms of the One that is Timeless and True.

Stumbling Blocks

I've been feeling quite emotional lately (as always when I'm blogging here).  I feel hopeless, and I hate that.  Having the house on the market makes me feel like I have to prepare myself for yet another disappointment in life.  So strange that I feel like things just don't go my way...really, it only seems like that happens in the deepest desires of my heart.  I feel like there is some wall up - almost like I'm blocking God from going there - from releasing these desires.  I know that sounds extremely strange, and I don't even fully grasp it.  That is just how it feels.

I've been praying for clarity.  The picture I got today was of a 10ish year old me...sitting on the front porch swing all alone.  I felt so lonely and hopeless - much like I've been feeling lately.  I felt that way on Sundays the most - after my mom went away to work.  I was always just alone with my thoughts and my heartache with no outlet for them.  I hated those days.

I know that God can do anything.  I've always known this.  However, He doesn't always do the things I want, and it makes me so disappointed.  It makes me feel so insignificant and unimportant.  It makes me feel like I don't deserve to be truly happy.  I just have to take what I get, adjust to it and move on.  That is such a horrible pattern in my life - one I've had since childhood as far back as I can remember.  There has been someone else in my life as far back as I can remember that has always done the same thing to me and made me feel the same way.  I guess I project all of that onto God.

I pray that God will show me that kind of love - the kind that I've been missing all of my life.