Ghost Dreams

It has been a rough couple of days. I just felt out of sorts all day yesterday. Last night I ended up having a migraine headache. That didn't really surprise me in hindsight given the way I felt all day. I knew something was off. I also started having deep revelations on the way to church while I was in the process of having an argument with Chuck (stupid, trivial stuff that got blown way out of proportion). Nonetheless, it became very hard to focus on what God was revealing. The gist of it at that point was that I felt rejected by his family because I was so much older than him. I felt like they treated me more like I was their age, and he was their baby boy. It has been 6 years like that. They made a big deal over my age when we first got together, and there have been several slams along the way. I never even realized any of that stuck with me, but I realized today just how much it did stick. I also realized that all of the times I ended up either not defended or when I defended myself to them rather than Chuck doing it, I bought into that lie even more.

When I started praying about this today I definitely went through a strange path to get to the truth. At first I started thinking I needed Chuck to be more of a man (total lie from the pit). I got discouraged wondering if our marriage would ever be what it should be from an emotional/intimacy standpoint. Then I realized that God was doing something, and God has been doing things. I knew that God put us together and that our marriage was sacred. I also realized that things would be what they are supposed to be - God has always been faithful.

To backtrack a little (well, actually quite a lot) - I started dating my first real love, Jeff Moore, when I was 15 years old. I was so head over heels in love with him (as you always are with your first love). He was 18 at the time. We broke up after a year of going steady. He was in college, and I was in high school, and he needed his freedom. Boy was my heart broken. It took me a year before I could move on from him. Jeff was an incredible first boyfriend - he was a total gift from God. I knew that he had been physical with other women before me, but he never tried anything physical with me (beyond kissing). He was always the perfect gentleman and treated me with so much love and respect. I am so thankful for him. As I look back, all of my friends were being physical in some form or another with their boyfriends. I often got chided for my lack of participation in sexual activities.

I often wondered what happened to Jeff. I had long since moved away from home, and I had no idea where he was. I really wanted to tell him thank you and how I appreciated him - our time together had a lasting impact on me. In November of 2008 I came across one of his best friends on facebook. I was so excited! I asked him if he was still in touch with Jeff. His response left me heart broken. He told me that Jeff had ended his life in August the year before (2007). He had been through a really rough time (which I won't go into detail about out of respect for him). I was crushed that he went through the things he did, and I was even more crushed to hear that he was made to feel like he had nothing left to live for. The world is now missing a wonderful man.

Since finding out his fate, I have had several dreams that have left my heart aching when I woke up. I never understood those dreams until today. It wasn't like I didn't have closure with Jeff. After we broke up, we stayed in touch for several years and were friends. I did eventually quit pining for him, so why in the world did those dreams leave me feeling that ache in my heart I felt when we broke up?

The first dream I vaguely remember, but we were together again and in love, and he realized there was a good life for him out there. This dream messed me up for quite some time. I guess it's hard knowing how special someone is and knowing that they didn't feel it. I wondered if I had found him earlier if there would have been anything I could have done.

The second dream was very violent and dark. Jeff and I were together and he was yelling at me. I was trying to get through to him, but I couldn't. He wouldn't listen to anything I said. He was just so angry. After I awoke from this one I was also messed up. I realized God was showing me that Jeff was in a bad place, and I wouldn't have recognized him. There wasn't anything I could do, and I needed to have peace with it.

I had laid down my thoughts of Jeff until last night. I had another disturbing dream. Again, it was a loving dream. We were together and so in love. It was such a warm feeling.

I finally understood that God was using Jeff to show me something about myself...He wanted me to recall who I was when I was with Jeff...a sweet, beautiful and loving 15 year old girl...still so innocent and full of life. He wanted me to recall how Jeff made me feel about myself - valued and treasured.

I didn't realize how much I rejected myself - I no longer resembled this girl to myself. I didn't realize that I felt like Chuck would have been better off with someone his age - someone that had saved herself just for him. I know I have felt this along the way from time to time, but I didn't realize how deeply intrenched in my heart this was. I was carrying around shame, and that shame was a great big wall that existed between me and my husband. I didn't think I even felt shame, but I took what several others (family which made things worse) said about me to heart.

Today God showed me the lies I have believed in my heart. He showed me that He sees me as that same girl that Jeff saw, and that He holds me in high esteem. He showed me that Chuck sees me the same way that He sees me. There is no wall of shame between us - it was a lie. He showed me that it doesn't matter who thinks we shouldn't be together - God joined us together, and no one can trump Him. God put us together, and He did it knowing that we are a perfect fit in His eyes. Age is just a number, and it is irrelevant. The problem was that I was made to feel shamed about my age along with my past hurts, and I felt like Chuck was being punished because of it. I finally get that he chose me, and he loves me with a heart like God's.

I finally get that Chuck and I were made to enjoy the sweet, innocence of being in love and being together. I finally get that the lies I believed have been one of the biggest hindrances to our emotional intimacy. I rejected myself and projected it onto Chuck. I thought that Chuck saw me as the person I was portrayed to be by those family members that judged and wounded me. Thank God for the realization of just how wrong I was! I had built a wall between us to protect myself...surely the day would come that Chuck would realize everyone was right, and he would leave me. I am happy to say that the Truth made that wall crumble!

It has been a deep day of revelation, and I find it so sweet that God used Jeff to show these things to me. May he rest in peace!

Rainy Days and Mondays

It isn't really a Monday, but it definitely is a rainy day. I wasn't really expecting the rain, but it makes things kind of cozy today for some reason.

I haven't blogged in 5 months. I guess I have been in a cave. I've definitely had my share of drama over the past several months, but now things are quiet and peaceful. This is an interesting time in my life - not like any other time I have experienced. I deleted my facebook account in August. I can't really say that I have missed it. One reason is that I wasted so much time on there, and the other is that it let more drama into my life. Sounds weird to say that, but when you read stuff, it sticks. I think that is partly why things seem so quiet now - I don't have FB and what is going on in everyone else's life as a distraction. I'm back in Kelley land, and it has been good for me. I have had a lot of things to pray through and work through over the past several months. As always, God has been so faithful. I feel like my life is in slow motion right now as I work through some things. I have such a peace and stillness about me...that is very interesting since I have been plagued with anxiety since childhood. I wish I could put this feeling into words, but I can't. In order for the words to mean anything, you would have to also understand my previous existence, and that is something I'm not sure I completely understand myself.

I've had a couple of issues that have been a recurring theme over the past several years. The first one is having children. I thought I had made peace with not having them (and actually, I really did make peace with it), but I always had in the back of my mind that maybe one day it would still happen if that was God's will for my life. The difference was that I was okay if it didn't, whereas before I thought I would die if I couldn't have a baby. A couple of weeks ago my husband, Chuck, told me that he wanted to have a vasectomy, and that he had been thinking a lot about it. At that time I told him I didn't think I was ready for that. He has decided that he really doesn't want kids, and if at any time he changes his mind, he would like to adopt. He also doesn't want to go through the pain of worrying about me should I become pregnant (given our past history with the last pregnancy almost causing my death). I took his words seriously (regarding the vasectomy). He doesn't speak lightly about such things, and I understood the weight of what he was saying. I started praying about this, and it made me reopen what I thought was a closed chapter in my life. As it turns out, that chapter was merely on pause. I seriously considered having fertility tests and giving one last, big effort to getting pregnant. I couldn't think straight about whether or not I really wanted to do that - I just felt so much pressure - like it was now or never. I think I cried the entire day as I prayed about this. I realized in the end that I really don't want to get pregnant at this stage in my life. I may change my mind a few years from now and want a baby (at which time we can adopt). I also realized that I needed this time to grieve the loss of my children and the loss of that dream. It was very painful but very freeing at the same time. I kept all of this to myself for a few days. I told Chuck about all of this this past Sunday morning, and we are in agreement that us not having natural children is the right decision for us. At this time, we don't plan on having any children, but we both are open to this decision possibly changing in the future. Part of what made me make that decision is that it seems like I have been through so many painful things over the past 41 years of my life. I have been through so much healing that it is hard to even fathom. I am just now getting to a point in my life that I feel completely free, and I feel like it is time to be selfish for a little while and just really enjoy my life. There is so much that I want to do and see, and I don't have it in me right now to further put my life on hold to care for a baby in the manner that I think is important. It feels like Chuck and I are just now starting our honeymoon. Don't get me wrong; we have a wonderful marriage, but we have both been so wounded, and our wounds have been blocks in our marriage...it is hard to explain. We both want to go deeper with each other, but we haven't been able to get to that level until now...after we have both been healed of various things. We are still in a healing process - both of us individually, but we see the light ahead and know that God is doing huge things in our lives. This is such a time of excitement and joy for us, and we want to cherish it and just spend a few years of quality time with each other doing the things that we love to do together - just the two of us. We both recognize that after we get that out of our system, we could decide we want kids, and we will be open to that. We may also decide that we don't, and that is fine too.

This past Sunday we found our church home. We have been visiting and looking for the right place for about 4 years. We are joining this Sunday, and are very excited. It was after our Sunday morning talk about our future that we found this church. During service, God put a new dream in both of our hearts. We both want to support and volunteer at orphanages. We are so excited about the prospect of providing laughter and fun for these kids. I don't know how or when all of this will work out, but I think it is amazing that when you lay down one dream, God gives you one that is so much bigger.

The other recurrent issue in my life is weight gain...presently I should say this issues take the form of weight gain (eating). Previously, it was smoking. Prior to that it was cleaning. After I stopped smoking, I started eating, thus I gained a lot of weight. The weight has brought up additional issues in my life (mainly rejection issues). I've yo-yo'd for a few years. I lost all of the weight I initially gained after I stopped smoking, but I always put it back on (5.5 years later). I know I could lose it again if I applied myself, but I just can't let myself go there. I have been determined to find out the root of this problem - why I eat so much (or smoke or clean) in the first place. I know if I can be healed of whatever this thing is, I will eventually lose the weight and keep it off without turning to another vice.

I'm starting to have revelations in small doses. I have realized that I am very anxious - I eat when I'm anxious - I have to turn to something for comfort when something upsets me. I've spent my whole life trying to control my environment - I needed to be braced and prepared for the next bad thing that was going to happen. I could handle things easier if I was prepared and things were in order. I've gone through my whole life living in the short term (the foreseeable future). Until recently, I've never been able to imagine myself as old or what that would even look like. One day I was reading my Bible, and God gave me a picture of myself as an old lady walking through life with Him. That healed something in my heart. I realized that trying to move through life in small doses at a time was creating anxiety. I guess I can compare it to driving in a car. When I first started driving I would grip the wheel very tightly and look down in front of the car at the white lines. It was very stressful driving like that. As I became experienced at driving I quit gripping the wheel and started looking straight ahead instead of at the road lines. Driving all of a sudden became very relaxing. I have been looking at the road lines of my life, and that has been hard work. Imagine the impact of hitting something at a high speed when it is right in front of you and you don't see it coming. That has been the impact of my hurts and wounds my entire life. God is teaching me to look at the big picture and understand that there will be times that I hit things in life, but in the grand scheme of things, the impact won't be that bad. The anxiety is slipping away, and so is the need for a crutch (food, cigarettes, etc.). I still have my moments when things hit me, but I'm learning to stop, breathe, and pray instead of letting myself get balled up. I am also getting a lot quicker at pin-pointing the things that hit me (make me upset or hit a nerve). I'm taking this healing process one step at a time. I don't feel rushed. I know that God has His hand on me and is guiding me.

The other thing I have been working on is rejection from being overweight. I'm really not that much over weight (technically about 15 pounds), but I am 30 pounds heavier than when I quit smoking to begin with...I realize I was unhealthy and honestly, too skinny, so I'm not trying to go back to that place. I have realized that I reject myself for being overweight. The first thing that ever made me feel accepted was my looks (by family, men, friends). I started modeling when I was 15 and really started being 'girly' and caring about my looks. I started getting attention I had never gotten. I had always just been in the background treated as nothing special. To make a long story short, after I gained weight, I felt rejected since my 'looks' were no longer what they were. I'm pretty sure I even rejected myself. The funny thing is that looks are not what matter to me - not in other people - and even for myself I don't want to be known for being pretty. Character has always been what is most important - character, integrity, sense of humor. I can honestly say that I like who I am. I like that I have a big heart and that I have so much mercy and compassion for people that it literally causes me to have heart ache. At the end of the day I am happy with who I have become. I wouldn't want to be any other way, and I wouldn't want to trade lives with anyone else. I'm truly in love with God, and I'm in love with life - both now and eternally.

Like the whole anxiety problem, I am slowly receiving from God the things I need to feel accepted. I am slowly accepting myself. I want to accept myself as I am - weight and all. I want to look in the mirror and see a beautiful person - not skin beauty, but internal beauty that radiates from within. These are the things that matter to me. I'm trying to let everything sink into my heart, so that I don't struggle from rejection because of the way I look. I am being healed slowly - one day at a time. It's a beautiful journey.

All of the above was a summarized version of what I have been going through these past few months. I will hopefully update as this journey continues.