Finally - things are starting to settle

It has been a long year full of countless changes. Chuck and I were talking last night about putting up the Christmas tree (after Thanksgiving, of course) when we realized that last Christmas we still had Winston and Samson. I still miss both of those babies, but I'm thankful for my little Baxter & Eddie too.

This past weekend was the first weekend in probably a year that I truly enjoyed. The funny thing about enjoying it is that we did absolutely nothing special or out of the ordinary. This feeling of peace started on Friday for me. I had a lighter than normal work day, and I updated the ipod I keep in my car that morning. I listened to great music as I drove around from house to house. I put on some good worship tunes eventually, and just like old times - Jesus was sitting right there with me in the car - so close. Man - I have missed that. I really, really needed that.

On Saturday, Chuck's best friend, Matt, and Matt's father came over, and we all went to the shooting range. It was good for Chuck to hang out with his best buddy -he has been hurt so much by false friendships in the past. I think it opened up something in his heart that has been closed off when he hung out with Matt.

On Sunday, we went to a new church, First Baptist Church of Marietta. I had seen the church when I was driving around for work on Friday and decided to look up the website. I had a wonderful feeling about it from the website. Let me back up and say that for years Chuck and I have been flip flopping in and out of churches. We just haven't been able to find a place that felt like home to us. We have settled for some good places along the way, but they just never felt like the right places for us. When we got into church on Sunday morning it was like a time warp for me. I felt like I was sitting in First Missionary Baptist Church in LaGrange, NC. It woke up something in my heart that felt so wonderfully nostalgic. I used to walk to this church in LaGrange when I was a little girl. My world felt so messed up to me after my father died, and this church was my safe haven. It wasn't that I even understood what the preacher was talking about, but I knew that it felt so good and so safe, and it was a break from my world that I needed. First Baptist of Marietta felt like home - for the first time maybe ever. I loved everything about it. The worship was awesome, and the pastor had such a Father's heart. He was so humble, and had such a soothing voice that evoked fatherly love. Everyone we met was very nice. In general the feel was just so peaceful. What was even more wonderful was that after we left, Chuck felt the same way I did. We both can't wait to go back this Sunday and attend Sunday school as well as church. That is something that neither of us have cared to do in years (due to a lot of hurts that came from a previous church).

Chuck and I have been talking about moving for about as long as we have been married. We just weren't happy in Atlanta - it never felt like home, and it was the home of a lot of hurt and pain for both of us. Finally, after this weekend, just like that, this feels like home to both of us. That is something I have been longing for since I left NC in 1995. I am so thankful to finally feel settled in that regard. It's amazing how God holds you up through terrible times in your life, and even when you feel like you can't breathe anymore, He always give you that next breath to get you through. At the end of those periods (like this weekend) it never ceases to amaze me how deep His love is, and how faithful He is. I already knew all of these things, but each touch always feels as deep as the first one. The amazing thing is that just like with any relationship, the love is so much deeper the more time goes on, so when you get through these rough periods and feel that touch, the awe is much deeper as well.

I end this post feeling a great peace and happiness and most of all hope, and I am so thankful!

Dark Cloud

I feel like I stay jumbled lately - so much going on with me that I can't get grounded.

I went to my annual 'girl' appointment this morning - that will definitely tell you that you've hit 40. I think I was doing pretty well with it until this morning. I won't go into details, but all of the extra junk you have to have tested because of that magic number sucks!

It really didn't help me that my appointment fell during PMS week - I was overly emotional. I guess going to the doctor reminded me of my miscarriages and loss - something I have been struggling with even more since that magic number appeared. I could hear a lady in the next room that had just had a baby discussing life with my doctor. That made my heart hurt. I literally sat in my room praying that I wouldn't lose it until I left because I could feel the tears welling up. I think I realized on the way home that the magic number was causing me to feel like I had to give up hope - and giving up hope was even more painful than anything else - without hope there is nothing. As I was leaving the doctor's office, I saw a lady and her husband - they both looked to be mid 40s. She was very pregnant. That struck me funny - I thought - wow look at her - why am I giving up hope - what is wrong with me? Giving up hope isn't intentional, mind you. I guess it is just a deep hurt in my heart that makes me feel so weary and void of all strength to dream and long for my babies to be. I read a Word this morning that said something about being off track and not to worry because God would steer us back in the right direction. I discarded it because I didn't think it really applied to me, but as I was leaving the doctor's office and driving home, I was reminded of that Word. I think I have been off track with my heart, and I shouldn't be giving up hope. Now I can see this big, dark cloud that I have been under - for what seems like years. I don't know where it originated, but I do know that all of the negative comments I have heard over the years have only made it darker. I didn't realize that I hung on to those things. I feel like I am at the end of the dark cloud - granted I'm still under it. I pray that God will show me how to run ahead of it and never look back. It may be that He just removes it...we will see as it will happen in His timing.

This has been such a hard year on so many levels, but it has also been incredibly freeing on deep levels, and for that I am thankful!

Will post more as the cloud evaporates :)