It's strange today that I woke up so sad - like so many other easters - feeling the pain of that day. I keep having flashbacks of the funeral - of feeling alone there - watching the one that loved me like no other being torn away from me.
Sometimes it feels like I have just been floundering through life trying to survive - but I have to ask am I trying to survive or am I trying to get to the end? Something is missing in my heart, and I know what it is, but I don't know how to get it back. Maybe it's harder to get it back when all hope is gone of past dreams. I need some new dreams. I need a new level of intimacy with my Love. I need Him to give me direction. I feel empty and fruitless.
I feel like today is a day to grieve...to grieve lost dreams, broken heartedness, old hurts and wounds, loss. It's time for those things to be nailed to the cross.
I'm 41 today - the same age my daddy was when he died. He died 33 years ago today - the same age Jesus was when He died on the cross for me. That seems significant to me. It also seems significant that 3 years ago I had so many life changing revelations - for 3 years I have been walking as who God says I am. Jesus ministered for 3 years.
I feel that tomorrow is a new beginning for me...I don't know why...that is just what I sense. It's a time to let go of things and begin again with new life - new wineskins. I get a picture of God sifting the things from me that are of Him - my heart, my love, my wisdom, my mercy, my compassion and moving them all to a new beginning - letting the old go.
I have been struggling lately - feeling like I 'peaked' in my 30s...that is quite depressing, and it is also completely a world view - that is only important on this earth because society deems it that way. It is a struggle for me because I never felt I had acceptance from people important to me until I 'looked' a certain way. Chuck made some comment about my sweet Sammie Sosa being in heaven and having a new body the other day, when it dawned on me - I truly haven't peaked. I won't peak until I'm in heaven with a new body. This body is just temporary and it houses me - it doesn't define me. It was a nice revelation. I've known it in meaning for some time, but I think I just got it in my heart.
I hope the heaviness of today will be gone tomorrow. I hope I will have new dreams and songs in my heart. I pray for deep whispers of love and promise and hope. I pray for new kisses that are soft and sweet - kisses that will fill all of the holes of past hurts and disappointments. I pray for your gentleness to take my breath away each and every day. I pray that I find your beauty in simple things and that it touches my heart to the core. I pray that the raw emotion and openness of my heart will touch your heart to the core. I pray for new dances built upon a lifetime of love - effortless and flowing filled with love and passion - where our hearts are in perfect rhythm.
I look forward to a new day where the best is here and is yet to come.
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