There is so much going on in my life right now that it is very hard to think straight. I find myself losing my train of thought every 15 minutes or so. I hate it when that happens...especially since I hate feeling out of control.
I've had this sick, nervy feeling in my stomach for about a week now. I'm not entirely sure what the root of it is, but I have a general idea. Chuck and I decided to finally put our house on the market. We have wanted to move for quite some time, but the timing never quite worked out. We rented an apartment to move into while our house is on the market to alleviate the stress of getting home to remove our dogs every time the house needs to show as well as keeping our house show ready since we have very busy schedules.
I feel jumbled trying to get the house ready for showing while working and commuting. Chuck just started his new job as Principal, so I need to manage as much of this as possible because he needs to be at work. Add in trying to get an apartment hooked up and moved into along with my normal work duties, and that alone is enough to wear anyone out.
Here's the emotional part...our house is the first house Chuck bought. He lived there with 2 roommates from our old church prior to us getting together. There were various church functions at that house - mostly singles meetings and hangouts. That church represents a lot of hurt and pain for both Chuck and me. It was a situation that ended badly. The hurt and pain was different for both of us because it affected us in different ways. For me I felt like it ripped away one of the most precious things in my life - my family (my oldest brother, his wife and their 4 kids). To this day I'm not sure that I fully comprehend all of it. I know that it took me years of praying and crying before I really felt like I had gotten through all of the pain. Clearly I still haven't, or I would't feel the way I do right now. I know there has been complete healing where my brother is concerned. Things have greatly improved and continue to improve with my sister-n-law. I definitely don't have a close connection with my nephews and niece due to everything that happened, but I've made peace with that. I think ultimately my hurt and even bitterness stems back to the pastors of that church. They were rude and self-serving. They taught others that people were supposed to follow them and serve them in order to follow Christ. You were a nobody unless you were a leader in that church, and all of the nobodies were nothing more than slaves that were meant to cater to the elitist. I know those words are filled with venom, and I hate admitting that is how I really feel. My family (me not included) were leaders in that church. Because I wasn't some subservient girl, I was deemed bad. I was pretty much excluded from my family at that point (by my family). I know that they were responsible for their own actions, and that is all water under the bridge to me at this point. What I have realized this week is that I haven't forgiven the Buhlers, and I really don't know how to or care to. Unlike my family, I don't want to have anything to do with them. There is only 1 person from that church that I still have in my life, and that's because she has a pure heart after God's own heart. I've stripped everyone else from my life. I guess what I really have done is just remove myself to avoid the pain of what was done to me. All of the hurt and bitterness are still there. What made me finally realize it is the emotions with finally being away from the house after it sales (the last reminder of that church), and even more than that - my nephew is getting married this weekend, and it is highly possible that the Buhlers will be there. I really don't want to see them.
All I can do is pray for God to help me release this bitterness and hurt. I also pray that He would show me the truth because I clearly believed lies about myself through all of this. They made me feel like I was just lowly and had no worth...
God has been showing me lately that I am his daughter and He adores me. He chose me to be His beloved, and no one can take that away. He has been showing me that I shouldn't cringe at being in my 40s or weigh more than I did in my 20s and 30s. I've been through so much healing and had so much intimacy with Christ over the past 8 years. I'm so much better than I've ever been. I feel more beautiful. I feel more free. I'm happy with who I am. I know who I am. I am the daughter of God. I am a Saint. I am beautiful. I am in love with my savior. He is in love with me.
I know it is time to forgive and to nail my memories of these people to the cross. It is also time to nail the person they made me out to be to the cross as well.
I'm so ready for a fresh start with my wonderful husband and beautiful dog children. Let the new era begin.
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