Memories

I find myself somewhat down these days. I'm not really sure why. My heart just feels heavy. This particular time period has so many painful memories for me - all centered around death. I know those that have died are in such a glorious place, and I'm happy for them. I know I will see them again, so me missing them is only temporary. My emotions take over, and I feel such a familiar feeling of pain - of being alone and isolated. Sometimes I have moments that make me wonder what my time on earth is really about - sometimes it just seems pointless. I'm just not okay with going through the motions of life until I get to the end of it. There has to be more. I always come back to this. I'm just not sure what the 'more' is.

I had a vision yesterday morning while I was sitting in church. I remembered holding my red Bible in my arms while I fell asleep. I have no idea what happened to that Bible. After my daddy died I walked to the drugstore and purchased it with my own money. My mother told me if I slept with my Bible under my pillow I wouldn't have nightmares anymore. Little did she know that she sent me right into the arms of the greatest Love I have ever known. When I saw this vision yesterday my heart filled with so much love. I love Jesus so deeply. My love for Him is so full that I can't even fathom it. This memory made me feel so whole. I'm not sure why God brought this to my attention after all these years, but I'm glad He did. I guess sometimes we just need to be reminded of simple things in life.

A New Perspective

It has only been 4.5 months since my last post, but it feels like forever for some reason.

God has been so faithful to bring newness into my life, and it has been such a good thing for me...it has also been a big adjustment. I think I am still adjusting. Along with getting adjusted to the new things in my life, it seems as though so many things - deep things, thoughts, hopes, dreams, sadness, heartache - have been running rampant just above me. These things keep swooping down and pulling me off the ground and clouding my heart and my head. It feels very unsettling - not like the unsettling I always felt in the past, but more like a stretching. I'm being taken out of my comfort zone (which I don't do so well with). I am only realizing this just now as I write this...I love how God brings revelation to me as I sit and start typing out my thoughts and feelings. I'm not sure what the stretching is about, but I do know I have been revisiting dreams I had laid to rest and made peace with. I think I want to revisit those dreams, but I keep having doubts. I feel like I need to throw my doubts to the wind and just trust God and see what happens. Tonight I kind of feel like I know what is going to happen, but I have to admit that I have a wall around my heart - a fear of trusting - a fear of opening my heart back up to something that was so painful for me. It's a really strange place to be...I think I just need to spend a couple of months praying and letting God prepare my heart. I've been so caught up in life lately - I feel so distant from God. I know that is my doing - not His. I miss the touch that only He can give, yet I keep Him at bay. I wonder why. I think it is all part of the stretching. I'm being reminded of the scripture where Jesus fed the masses - I'm not sure why or what the correlation is. Jesus tried to go away alone to pray and spend time with God, but the masses followed Him, and He was busy. I guess I have just been busy - but I have also had a lot of revelations. Now is my quiet time - time to be fed - time to understand - time to be still and just be with Him. It is time to crawl under His wings and just bask in His warmth and love and take in His sweet smell and to breathe deeply and be unconcerned with temporal things.

I read a wonderful book tonight - 'Heaven is for real'. This book touched my heart in so many ways. I guess it gave me a heavenly perspective and made me realize that some of the things that have been bogging me down are just pointless. These things are so temporary - in the end they won't even matter. This book also gave me insight into my children that are in heaven. They have been growing up in heaven...that gives me such a complete feeling - knowing my babies are being raised by God, and they are there with my daddy and my grandparents and so many others that I have loved and lost. This book also reminded me of a dream that I have had for a long time, and it showed me a missing piece of the puzzle. I can't wait to see if the puzzle piece comes forth. It doesn't seem possible, but I know all things are possible with Him that loves me.

I realize this post is ambiguous, but I will be more forthright as things come to fruition...for now they are from my heart to His....sweet whispers filled with love and a faint desire.

Ghost Dreams

It has been a rough couple of days. I just felt out of sorts all day yesterday. Last night I ended up having a migraine headache. That didn't really surprise me in hindsight given the way I felt all day. I knew something was off. I also started having deep revelations on the way to church while I was in the process of having an argument with Chuck (stupid, trivial stuff that got blown way out of proportion). Nonetheless, it became very hard to focus on what God was revealing. The gist of it at that point was that I felt rejected by his family because I was so much older than him. I felt like they treated me more like I was their age, and he was their baby boy. It has been 6 years like that. They made a big deal over my age when we first got together, and there have been several slams along the way. I never even realized any of that stuck with me, but I realized today just how much it did stick. I also realized that all of the times I ended up either not defended or when I defended myself to them rather than Chuck doing it, I bought into that lie even more.

When I started praying about this today I definitely went through a strange path to get to the truth. At first I started thinking I needed Chuck to be more of a man (total lie from the pit). I got discouraged wondering if our marriage would ever be what it should be from an emotional/intimacy standpoint. Then I realized that God was doing something, and God has been doing things. I knew that God put us together and that our marriage was sacred. I also realized that things would be what they are supposed to be - God has always been faithful.

To backtrack a little (well, actually quite a lot) - I started dating my first real love, Jeff Moore, when I was 15 years old. I was so head over heels in love with him (as you always are with your first love). He was 18 at the time. We broke up after a year of going steady. He was in college, and I was in high school, and he needed his freedom. Boy was my heart broken. It took me a year before I could move on from him. Jeff was an incredible first boyfriend - he was a total gift from God. I knew that he had been physical with other women before me, but he never tried anything physical with me (beyond kissing). He was always the perfect gentleman and treated me with so much love and respect. I am so thankful for him. As I look back, all of my friends were being physical in some form or another with their boyfriends. I often got chided for my lack of participation in sexual activities.

I often wondered what happened to Jeff. I had long since moved away from home, and I had no idea where he was. I really wanted to tell him thank you and how I appreciated him - our time together had a lasting impact on me. In November of 2008 I came across one of his best friends on facebook. I was so excited! I asked him if he was still in touch with Jeff. His response left me heart broken. He told me that Jeff had ended his life in August the year before (2007). He had been through a really rough time (which I won't go into detail about out of respect for him). I was crushed that he went through the things he did, and I was even more crushed to hear that he was made to feel like he had nothing left to live for. The world is now missing a wonderful man.

Since finding out his fate, I have had several dreams that have left my heart aching when I woke up. I never understood those dreams until today. It wasn't like I didn't have closure with Jeff. After we broke up, we stayed in touch for several years and were friends. I did eventually quit pining for him, so why in the world did those dreams leave me feeling that ache in my heart I felt when we broke up?

The first dream I vaguely remember, but we were together again and in love, and he realized there was a good life for him out there. This dream messed me up for quite some time. I guess it's hard knowing how special someone is and knowing that they didn't feel it. I wondered if I had found him earlier if there would have been anything I could have done.

The second dream was very violent and dark. Jeff and I were together and he was yelling at me. I was trying to get through to him, but I couldn't. He wouldn't listen to anything I said. He was just so angry. After I awoke from this one I was also messed up. I realized God was showing me that Jeff was in a bad place, and I wouldn't have recognized him. There wasn't anything I could do, and I needed to have peace with it.

I had laid down my thoughts of Jeff until last night. I had another disturbing dream. Again, it was a loving dream. We were together and so in love. It was such a warm feeling.

I finally understood that God was using Jeff to show me something about myself...He wanted me to recall who I was when I was with Jeff...a sweet, beautiful and loving 15 year old girl...still so innocent and full of life. He wanted me to recall how Jeff made me feel about myself - valued and treasured.

I didn't realize how much I rejected myself - I no longer resembled this girl to myself. I didn't realize that I felt like Chuck would have been better off with someone his age - someone that had saved herself just for him. I know I have felt this along the way from time to time, but I didn't realize how deeply intrenched in my heart this was. I was carrying around shame, and that shame was a great big wall that existed between me and my husband. I didn't think I even felt shame, but I took what several others (family which made things worse) said about me to heart.

Today God showed me the lies I have believed in my heart. He showed me that He sees me as that same girl that Jeff saw, and that He holds me in high esteem. He showed me that Chuck sees me the same way that He sees me. There is no wall of shame between us - it was a lie. He showed me that it doesn't matter who thinks we shouldn't be together - God joined us together, and no one can trump Him. God put us together, and He did it knowing that we are a perfect fit in His eyes. Age is just a number, and it is irrelevant. The problem was that I was made to feel shamed about my age along with my past hurts, and I felt like Chuck was being punished because of it. I finally get that he chose me, and he loves me with a heart like God's.

I finally get that Chuck and I were made to enjoy the sweet, innocence of being in love and being together. I finally get that the lies I believed have been one of the biggest hindrances to our emotional intimacy. I rejected myself and projected it onto Chuck. I thought that Chuck saw me as the person I was portrayed to be by those family members that judged and wounded me. Thank God for the realization of just how wrong I was! I had built a wall between us to protect myself...surely the day would come that Chuck would realize everyone was right, and he would leave me. I am happy to say that the Truth made that wall crumble!

It has been a deep day of revelation, and I find it so sweet that God used Jeff to show these things to me. May he rest in peace!

Rainy Days and Mondays

It isn't really a Monday, but it definitely is a rainy day. I wasn't really expecting the rain, but it makes things kind of cozy today for some reason.

I haven't blogged in 5 months. I guess I have been in a cave. I've definitely had my share of drama over the past several months, but now things are quiet and peaceful. This is an interesting time in my life - not like any other time I have experienced. I deleted my facebook account in August. I can't really say that I have missed it. One reason is that I wasted so much time on there, and the other is that it let more drama into my life. Sounds weird to say that, but when you read stuff, it sticks. I think that is partly why things seem so quiet now - I don't have FB and what is going on in everyone else's life as a distraction. I'm back in Kelley land, and it has been good for me. I have had a lot of things to pray through and work through over the past several months. As always, God has been so faithful. I feel like my life is in slow motion right now as I work through some things. I have such a peace and stillness about me...that is very interesting since I have been plagued with anxiety since childhood. I wish I could put this feeling into words, but I can't. In order for the words to mean anything, you would have to also understand my previous existence, and that is something I'm not sure I completely understand myself.

I've had a couple of issues that have been a recurring theme over the past several years. The first one is having children. I thought I had made peace with not having them (and actually, I really did make peace with it), but I always had in the back of my mind that maybe one day it would still happen if that was God's will for my life. The difference was that I was okay if it didn't, whereas before I thought I would die if I couldn't have a baby. A couple of weeks ago my husband, Chuck, told me that he wanted to have a vasectomy, and that he had been thinking a lot about it. At that time I told him I didn't think I was ready for that. He has decided that he really doesn't want kids, and if at any time he changes his mind, he would like to adopt. He also doesn't want to go through the pain of worrying about me should I become pregnant (given our past history with the last pregnancy almost causing my death). I took his words seriously (regarding the vasectomy). He doesn't speak lightly about such things, and I understood the weight of what he was saying. I started praying about this, and it made me reopen what I thought was a closed chapter in my life. As it turns out, that chapter was merely on pause. I seriously considered having fertility tests and giving one last, big effort to getting pregnant. I couldn't think straight about whether or not I really wanted to do that - I just felt so much pressure - like it was now or never. I think I cried the entire day as I prayed about this. I realized in the end that I really don't want to get pregnant at this stage in my life. I may change my mind a few years from now and want a baby (at which time we can adopt). I also realized that I needed this time to grieve the loss of my children and the loss of that dream. It was very painful but very freeing at the same time. I kept all of this to myself for a few days. I told Chuck about all of this this past Sunday morning, and we are in agreement that us not having natural children is the right decision for us. At this time, we don't plan on having any children, but we both are open to this decision possibly changing in the future. Part of what made me make that decision is that it seems like I have been through so many painful things over the past 41 years of my life. I have been through so much healing that it is hard to even fathom. I am just now getting to a point in my life that I feel completely free, and I feel like it is time to be selfish for a little while and just really enjoy my life. There is so much that I want to do and see, and I don't have it in me right now to further put my life on hold to care for a baby in the manner that I think is important. It feels like Chuck and I are just now starting our honeymoon. Don't get me wrong; we have a wonderful marriage, but we have both been so wounded, and our wounds have been blocks in our marriage...it is hard to explain. We both want to go deeper with each other, but we haven't been able to get to that level until now...after we have both been healed of various things. We are still in a healing process - both of us individually, but we see the light ahead and know that God is doing huge things in our lives. This is such a time of excitement and joy for us, and we want to cherish it and just spend a few years of quality time with each other doing the things that we love to do together - just the two of us. We both recognize that after we get that out of our system, we could decide we want kids, and we will be open to that. We may also decide that we don't, and that is fine too.

This past Sunday we found our church home. We have been visiting and looking for the right place for about 4 years. We are joining this Sunday, and are very excited. It was after our Sunday morning talk about our future that we found this church. During service, God put a new dream in both of our hearts. We both want to support and volunteer at orphanages. We are so excited about the prospect of providing laughter and fun for these kids. I don't know how or when all of this will work out, but I think it is amazing that when you lay down one dream, God gives you one that is so much bigger.

The other recurrent issue in my life is weight gain...presently I should say this issues take the form of weight gain (eating). Previously, it was smoking. Prior to that it was cleaning. After I stopped smoking, I started eating, thus I gained a lot of weight. The weight has brought up additional issues in my life (mainly rejection issues). I've yo-yo'd for a few years. I lost all of the weight I initially gained after I stopped smoking, but I always put it back on (5.5 years later). I know I could lose it again if I applied myself, but I just can't let myself go there. I have been determined to find out the root of this problem - why I eat so much (or smoke or clean) in the first place. I know if I can be healed of whatever this thing is, I will eventually lose the weight and keep it off without turning to another vice.

I'm starting to have revelations in small doses. I have realized that I am very anxious - I eat when I'm anxious - I have to turn to something for comfort when something upsets me. I've spent my whole life trying to control my environment - I needed to be braced and prepared for the next bad thing that was going to happen. I could handle things easier if I was prepared and things were in order. I've gone through my whole life living in the short term (the foreseeable future). Until recently, I've never been able to imagine myself as old or what that would even look like. One day I was reading my Bible, and God gave me a picture of myself as an old lady walking through life with Him. That healed something in my heart. I realized that trying to move through life in small doses at a time was creating anxiety. I guess I can compare it to driving in a car. When I first started driving I would grip the wheel very tightly and look down in front of the car at the white lines. It was very stressful driving like that. As I became experienced at driving I quit gripping the wheel and started looking straight ahead instead of at the road lines. Driving all of a sudden became very relaxing. I have been looking at the road lines of my life, and that has been hard work. Imagine the impact of hitting something at a high speed when it is right in front of you and you don't see it coming. That has been the impact of my hurts and wounds my entire life. God is teaching me to look at the big picture and understand that there will be times that I hit things in life, but in the grand scheme of things, the impact won't be that bad. The anxiety is slipping away, and so is the need for a crutch (food, cigarettes, etc.). I still have my moments when things hit me, but I'm learning to stop, breathe, and pray instead of letting myself get balled up. I am also getting a lot quicker at pin-pointing the things that hit me (make me upset or hit a nerve). I'm taking this healing process one step at a time. I don't feel rushed. I know that God has His hand on me and is guiding me.

The other thing I have been working on is rejection from being overweight. I'm really not that much over weight (technically about 15 pounds), but I am 30 pounds heavier than when I quit smoking to begin with...I realize I was unhealthy and honestly, too skinny, so I'm not trying to go back to that place. I have realized that I reject myself for being overweight. The first thing that ever made me feel accepted was my looks (by family, men, friends). I started modeling when I was 15 and really started being 'girly' and caring about my looks. I started getting attention I had never gotten. I had always just been in the background treated as nothing special. To make a long story short, after I gained weight, I felt rejected since my 'looks' were no longer what they were. I'm pretty sure I even rejected myself. The funny thing is that looks are not what matter to me - not in other people - and even for myself I don't want to be known for being pretty. Character has always been what is most important - character, integrity, sense of humor. I can honestly say that I like who I am. I like that I have a big heart and that I have so much mercy and compassion for people that it literally causes me to have heart ache. At the end of the day I am happy with who I have become. I wouldn't want to be any other way, and I wouldn't want to trade lives with anyone else. I'm truly in love with God, and I'm in love with life - both now and eternally.

Like the whole anxiety problem, I am slowly receiving from God the things I need to feel accepted. I am slowly accepting myself. I want to accept myself as I am - weight and all. I want to look in the mirror and see a beautiful person - not skin beauty, but internal beauty that radiates from within. These are the things that matter to me. I'm trying to let everything sink into my heart, so that I don't struggle from rejection because of the way I look. I am being healed slowly - one day at a time. It's a beautiful journey.

All of the above was a summarized version of what I have been going through these past few months. I will hopefully update as this journey continues.

Nostalgia

I was driving around today going from one client to the next. I heard "Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman on the radio. I never particularly cared for this song when it came out, but today a feeling of nostalgia came over me when I heard it. You know the feeling - just a deep, warm feeling on the inside - the song reminded me of a time of naivety - took me back to the high school days. High School for me was such a time of innocence. I had so many deep wounds but none of them or the deep manifestations of their consequences had surfaced yet. It was still a time when the world felt like it was mine to conquer - like I could be anything I wanted to be. Life felt like it was only at the beginning of what should have been a lovely journey of wonderfully heart-felt adventures. I don't know if you ever experience that kind of excitement again in life -that innocent excitement that life is about to be a fairy-tale.

This song brings back 2 very particular memories for me. The first one was at the end of our Junior year. I was with Devin Westbrook and Mike Carlyle - we were all Marshalls (had the highest GPAs) so we led the Seniors in their processional for the awards banquet. After we had led them into the gymnasium and the ceremony had begun, the 3 of us decided to leave campus and head to a convenient store down the road. We went to a high school in the country - literally in the middle of a rural farming area. Devin let me drive his Chevy II that day. I had the BEST time. I'm quite certain I scared Devin and Mike almost to death. We made it back to school in time to escort the seniors out, and no one had missed us. It was such a taste of freedom to me. I was always the goody girl - never did anything wrong. The second memory is again driving along with Devin in his Chevy II. Not sure where we were going, but we were headed down the same road to Institute towards the school. Guns-n-Roses came on - "Sweet Child of Mine". What's so funny is that still to this day I love getting in the car, rolling the windows down, driving on a pretty country road (or one that resembles such) and blaring a favorite song. That always brings me peace and solitude.

Today I sit here 23 years after high school. I remember that girl so well. Life has been a journey, but certainly not the kind of journey I thought it would be. I lost myself in circumstances - some created by me and others created by things out of my control. I got lost in all of the issues that plagued me as a child and made choices based on the world through my wounded lenses. One of the things that seems funny (funny in an odd way) is that we grow up with dreams in our heart, and we think when those dreams come true life will be great, and we will just enjoy it. What we don't realize is that there will always be unexpected things that hit us through the course of our life: death, heartbreaks, etc. We spend our time trying to get back on track waiting for that 'it' moment when life will begin. For some it will begin when we find our dream job, for some it will begin when we get married, for some it will begin when we have children...what we don't realize is that there will never be some 'sonic boom' moment where everything falls into place and we live happily ever after.

It has been 24 years almost exactly since that car ride my Jr. year of high school, and I feel a different kind of excitement about life - excitement that isn't based on naive expectations. Excitement because I am no longer waiting on my big boom moment. Excitement because I have weathered so many different storms, and I have found that in the center of all of those storms I was never there alone - I was with Jesus. I feel a wholeness I never knew existed. I've learned how to enjoy what is here and now - I look at the future as an exciting adventure. I know there will be bumps along the way, and that is okay. God will not only catch me at every bump in the road, He will be with me on the whole journey. He is driving, and I am along for the ride. I am no longer striving to be someone - I know I am someone, and I love the freedom in that. I love the freedom in knowing that I am who I was created to be, and that life is lovely, and that life is Love. I have beheld so much beauty on this journey, and I continue to be amazed at the beauty there is left to behold. The rest of my life is a surprise, and I love surprises! How amazing is that! All I have to do is be present and enjoy the ride. No more striving to be something!

I feel like everything in between high school and now is in a great big bubble...not a bubble that I want to pop and get rid of, but a bubble I can look at in hindsight and say "what a journey it has been" as I continue forward in my fairy-tale adventure with my Love!

Catching up

It has been a month and a half since I have blogged...as usual in my life, I have had a lot going on. Only this time I don't really feel like going into the process of it all. I'm at a place of peace, and I'm enjoying it.

To summarize a few of the highlights of things I've discovered:

1. I have given my desire to have children to God. I'm okay with not ever having children on earth if that is His will for my life. I know that my life will still be great, and I will still be complete. I have children in heaven - one day I will be with them. That is enough for me.
2. Life is an adventure, and I find great joy in living out this adventure with Chuck, the love of my life!
3. I am a valuable gift. I was created by the greatest Love I have ever known. I have nothing to prove - I can't gain value - I can't get rid of value. I was created with value, and just because I haven't always and probably never will be received with value by some doesn't mean that I'm not valuable.
4. I will never be alone. I will always have someone to count on. I will never be forsaken. I will always be cherished. The lack of believing this has been an evil root in my life - thank God for receiving truth!

Life is good - I am ready for the rest of my journey!

Every day is a brand new day

I know that my blogs are always about issues and revelations. Blogging helps me process things, so I rarely blog when everything is going along smoothly...so here we are again tying things together after a particularly rough week.

I had that feeling again yesterday. The one where my life feels like it is spinning out of control and I can't get grounded. I absolutely hate that feeling! I've had that feeling a lot lately (the past several months). I used to be a major control freak. Now I'm just a minor control freak :). I like everything to be in perfect order. Chaos unravels me. Growing up there were so many things that I couldn't control that controlling my environment became my defense mechanism. What I realized this week is that somewhere along the way my performance of how well I controlled my environment directly affected the identity I gave myself. If there was no chaos, I could be happy. If something went wrong, I was so full of shame and defeat and struggled to get over it. I also realized this week that a pattern of mine is if I mess up something a little bit, I throw in the entire towel and give up. I know the moment this pattern started in my life - I was in college - 19 years old. Went through the biggest moral defeat of my life. I didn't feel there was any getting things back on track. I say that now with hindsight - took me years to realize this is what happened.

So this week there have been things that I couldn't control that have sent my environment into a tizzy....and some things that were directly my fault. I spent several days feeling out of control and beating myself up. Finally yesterday I had the revelation that I will mess things up from time to time or handle things the wrong way - usually as a result of flesh patterns in the case of handling things the wrong way. I messed up some things this week just from being absent minded - I could hardly even believe I did those things - so far from my norm given my control freak status. I finally received in my heart yesterday that each day truly is a new day with new mercies from God. I am still moving forward with life and it is okay to leave the fleshy stuff behind - it isn't who I really am - it is just who I revert back to from time to time. Once I figured that out and apologized for one of my big blunders, Peace settled back over me. WOW - that was huge for me. I've experienced this uneasiness my whole life when things went wrong or were different from how I pictured them going, and to realize I could just leave all the junk behind and move forward without it was crazy. It was one of those "and just like that I was free" moments. Glad I finally got to that place. Thank you God for showing me. Another layer of onion has been removed!