Random Update

It has been less than a month since I have blogged, but it feels like eternity. I guess I have had so many revelations in such a short period of time about life...I'll see if I can remember some of them to share - it's crazy how you are healed of something and then if flits from your mind.

The biggest change for me is laying down 'having a baby'. This was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I prayed for a long time about being able to do this, but I never could. It has certainly been a process, and I won't say that my desire is gone. For several years having a baby has consumed my life - almost like an obsession - I didn't obsess openly about it much, but in my heart I certainly did - as well as in my mind. My life's dream has been to be a mom. I realized, as oddly as this sounds, that when Winston died (my chocolate sharpei baby) that my identity was wrapped up in being a mom. God showed me that this wasn't true - being a mom was outside of my identity (not meaning I wouldn't be a mom - but moreso that doesn't define who I am). I got it at that point, and there was freedom in that. However, most recently as I was struggling with laying this down, I really went through some serious depression. I finally had the revelation that the root of this depression was the fact that I felt if I wasn't a mom I had no purpose in life. Purpose and Identity are really closely related, yet not the same. Once I figured out that I had tied purpose to having children, it really made me examine what my purpose is. Somewhere in the midst of miscarriages and sadness and trying desperately to have a baby, I lost my joy for life.

Sidestepping for a moment, my false identities (brought on by others and myself) have been beauty and intelligence. Those were the only two things that ever made me feel accepted. Imagine how I felt as I gained a butt load of weight after giving up cigarettes - fat and rejected. As for being intelligent - I got slapped in the face with that also - for not doing what others deemed I should be doing. I went through a long period of feeling shame. Finally, God showed me (and more importantly, I was able to receive it) what my real identity is in Christ. It is my heart - the very thing that has been stomped on and crushed by so many people dear to me my entire life. Wow - that made so much sense. It was the ploy of the enemy to get me to close up my heart, and it worked for a LONG time. I really have gotten off track here - so I will try to jump back on track :)

Let's go back to purpose - I had to really seek God on what my true purpose is. Of course it has to do with my identity - my heart. I've been so unconnected for so long - I have had no outlet. A lot of that ties back to old church wounds and not feeling like church is a safe place because I was really rejected there - taught that I had no value except to serve like Cinderella (which wasn't that different from the rest of my life). I figured out that I needed to find the right church and get connected. Through another process I found Midtown Church online - then realized it was where my nephew is the Worship Leader. We went the very next Sunday, and we loved it. The odd thing was I was manifesting left and right - I could feel my flesh just oozing out of control. God showed me the next day it was because of those old church wounds that I mentioned above.

To (hopefully) tie everything together I have laid down my obsession with having a baby. I am a mom - I have children in heaven - one day I will be with them. I may not be a mom on earth, and I am okay with that if that is God's will for my life. I do still hope for children, but it no longer consumes me - it is truly in God's hands.

I am hopeful again and feel joy. My heart is for people to heal and know their real identity in Christ. I can't tell you how much freedom that brings to your life, and that freedom brings a joy like you have never experienced. It is the joy that Christ meant for us to have. I trust that God will lead me to the right places to fulfill my purpose.

On another note I am finally losing the weight. I had lost most of it at one point and then gained it back through a series of bad events (emotional eating). I didn't feel the will to lose it again, and honestly, I think I had to be in a healthy place before I started this weight loss journey again. It is so much easier (from a mental perspective) when I don't think that my weight or looks define me. I am able to take my time and lose the weight in a healthy way without depriving myself. It is not performance based because I'm trying to attain acceptance. It is just for me because I want to do it.

I guess that's enough for today :)

Struggles

I've been so busy lately so I haven't had time to blog since before the holidays. On a side note the holidays were great - I calmed down after my last post and finally found the right perspective on things...mainly there were things in my heart that needed to heal - old wounds that got cut wide open due to the circumstances I was venting about in my last blog.

The real thing I wanted to talk about today are struggles that so many people around me (myself included) seem to be having lately. The common thread in all of it is our identity. Hang with me as I try to make my way through this post - it is something that has been on my mind heavily all day.

Last year I attended a workshop at Grace Ministries International that really opened my eyes and more importantly, my heart, to a lot of truths that I had been missing. I will try to sum up the things I learned for you. Of course all of this is from a Christian perspective, but it applies to everyone.

When we are born we all have basic needs: love, security, worth, acceptance, etc. Also, when we are born, we are unsaved - our spirit is dead. What I know as a Christian is that only God can fulfill these needs. So, what are we to do since we are born unsaved? Basically, we look to our families, friends, and circumstances to get our needs met. No human can meet these needs for us, so what ends up happening is this: we let our families, friends and circumstances dictate and define who we are. This looks different for everyone - for me an example is that I always felt like my feelings weren't important. I wasn't allowed to voice them or complain or be upset. I felt like it was my place to 'settle' for whatever was given to me - I had no worth. I was just there - in the way. From others I have talked to: "I'm a bad girl - everything is my fault - I deserve bad things to happen to me" or "I'm a bad son - I don't measure up - I'm a failure - I can't do anything right - no one loves me because of that". Of course these things aren't the truth for any of us, but that is how we are programmed to think - usually from a very early age. We develop 'flesh patterns' to try to get our needs met (the same basic needs I talked about earlier - love, acceptance, etc.). We have to try to meet our own needs when those around us aren't doing it for us and when we don't trust God to or even know God. Basically, a flesh pattern is us trying to meet our own needs independently of God. Let me give an example of what that looked like in my situation. My flesh pattern was to run and hide when I was upset - I had to protect myself from those that hurt me and didn't care about me. Another huge flesh pattern I developed was cleaning everything in sight until it was perfect. This was my way of controlling my environment since I couldn't control the way people treated me. It brought me some peace in my very dysfunctional life to be in a clean, organized environment. Someone very dear to me has a flesh pattern of always moving (not being able to be still while standing, driving, eating, talking, etc.). Everything in life is done with movement - that comes from being anxious all the time. The anxiety stems from his parents who would withhold their love from him every time he did something that they didn't like or approve of - he would literally be ignored sometimes for days at a time with the undertone that he didn't measure up. This literally has gone on into his late 20s.

After we accept Christ, our spirit comes to life. Christ is eternal life. We no longer have to depend on ourselves to meet our own needs. Christ is there to meet them always! That really isn't the easiest thing in the world to understand - after all - this is something we have never experienced. Our mindsets don't just magically change. I'll be honest when I say to you that I didn't have my 'a ha' moment until I had been walking with Christ for 7 years. I'm not saying that it will take everyone else this long. There is no magic formula. I have been going through inner healing for about 5 of these 7 years. Christ met me in so many of the circumstances that I had experienced growing up that made me believe the lies about myself that I believed, and He touched my heart profoundly. It has been a process - but through it all I still didn't fully get it.

Some major things that were life changing for me:

1. We are a spirit that has a mind/soul and lives in a body.

2. We are in Christ and Christ is in us. (huge thing to understand)

3. Even after we accept Christ, we still have flesh patterns. These flesh patterns will always be there (until we have died and are perfected in Christ), however, Christ within us becomes much larger than our flesh. We build relationships with Christ (just like we do with anyone else - through spending time with Him - in the Word, through prayer, in worship). The more we get to know Him, the more we trust Him. The more we trust Him, the easier it is to give Him our struggles and hurts and let Him fix them rather than relying on our old flesh patterns that really never worked - they were just a band aid.

Let me see if I can expand on number 2 - We are in Christ and Christ is in us: When we are born, we are in Adam (first human). Since Adam was spiritually dead, we were born spiritually dead. We took on all traits of Adam - we were sinners and all that entailed. We were born on the pathway to hell. After we accept Christ, we are no longer in Adam, but we are in Christ. We then become the offspring of God and take on all traits of Jesus. We have now stepped into eternal life (it was there long before we were saved), and remember Jesus is eternal life (thus we are in Christ). At this time our spirit comes to life with the Holy Spirit thus Christ is in us as well. If we are in Christ, what that means is we were also on the cross with Him when He died for our sins. When He was buried and resurrected, so were we. Let me try to make this a little clearer. Here is where my big 'a ha' moment comes in - all of the lies I believed about myself (which were a cause of the things dictated by my family, friends, circumstances) were also on that cross. That wasn't the real me - that was the me I had to be in order to survive in this world without Christ. All of the hurtful things that had been said about me that wounded me to the core were on that cross. I no longer feel the need to defend myself against attacks or hurtful words or actions. The way I see it is that people around me don't really know me (mostly due to their own wounds and flesh patterns) so they attack what they think is me - only it isn't. I'm okay with that. I know the truth - I am a daughter of God. I am a saint (and yes I sometimes sin and always will until I am perfected in Christ). God will always love and accept me no matter what anyone else thinks. He will always be there for me (even when I was so used to being abandoned by those on earth that I loved). His love for me has nothing to do with my performance. He loves me just as He loves His son, Jesus. That was scary for me to say for the first time, but it is true. He loves you that much also...regardless of all circumstances.

What helps me more than anything is to take my wounds or false personas that others have given me and envision them on the cross - buried and gone forever.

As a Christian, our identity is in Christ. We are all things that is Christ. As Christians it seems that most of us fail to take on our new identity when we are born again - we stay tangled up in the lies and hurts of our old, usually false, identity. We don't know any better, unfortunately, in most cases. Scripture says that the truth sets us free - indeed it does.

It is my sincere prayer for anyone that reads this that God will open your heart to the truth about who you are, and that you would receive it in your heart!

Nothing in particular

As the holiday season gets closer so does the drama. I really had intended for this Christmas to be focused solely on Christ - the real meaning of Christmas. I wanted it to be a small, intimate celebration. As usual family gets involved and it turns into something completely different until I dread it all together. Shame on me for letting that happen I suppose, but sometimes it happens so quickly you don't realize it was even happening. Feels like I was just dropped out of a tornado and am inspecting for damages. At the end of the day I will make the best out of the situation that I can. I have to keep reminding myself what Christmas is about and not get distracted by hurt and bitterness. I didn't realize I had bitterness in my heart until I woke up this morning. After all the drama yesterday I woke up feeling like I am in the middle of some deceitful spider web full of lies and hurtful words. I just want to be plucked out of the web and run as far and fast as possible never to look back. I guess I really just don't understand for the life of me how your family members act like they adore you to your face, and in the same minute they turn around and say mean things about you to another family member. I absolutely can't stand it when they tell you something about someone else and then say "don't tell them I said it". If you have to say that, then you shouldn't be saying it at all. I understand that we all grow up with painful things and circumstances (yes, some worse than others), but at some point you have to be accountable for your own actions - your circumstances can no longer be an excuse. It is never okay - the damage that is done because of your selfishness can't be undone. Now I am at a point where I just don't want to deal with any of it. The good news is that I finally see the truth of who I am. These hurtful things no longer hurt me because they are just lies. The truth has set me free. However, all of these hurtful things are causing me to drift further and further away. That is not what I want my life to be about or the life of my future children and family. This is definitely a season of taking stands in my life. You can give people a million chances, and at some point you just have to realize that you don't want to be at the receiving end of all of the ugly, manipulative crap. I use to feel the need to put up with such treatment because it was family, and that is the only family you are going to have...blah blah blah. Well, hopefully each person in our family is saved, and we will all be together in heaven where there is no pain, sorrow, backstabbing or hurt, but on this side of eternity I don't have to put up with it any longer. Enough is enough. ...and that is how I feel about that.

So I guess my "Nothing in particular" title turned into full fledged venting on family drama. Oh well.

Hot/Cold

Things have been running from hot to cold in my life. I am thankful for that wonderful weekend full of peace that I last blogged about, but it seems that was maybe a glimpse of future things to come or maybe just a much needed break from rough circumstances.

Two days before we were supposed to leave for Thanksgiving Chuck's tires got slashed in our driveway. We both know that it was this kid who has a vendetta. Ironically on that same day the kid sent an adult(ish) to our home to try to convince Chuck to drop the charges. All of it made us feel very violated. We were going to cancel our trip to Texas because we didn't want to leave our dogs and a pet sitter in our house where they could be attacked. It was a huge blessing when John, our pet sitter, told us he would keep Baxter & Eddie at his house.

So we did end up going to Texas for Thanksgiving, and it was a very relaxing time with family. We really needed the break.

Things have been even keel since we got home - both of us have been extremely busy with work, and in between work and sleep, we have been making changes to the interior of our house. We kept thinking we really wanted to move, and we were really considering it. I hired a stager a few months ago, and she had some really great ideas. After all was said and done and we realized we couldn't go anywhere, we decided to still implement some of the changes that were suggested. AMAZING that a few changes can make you feel like you have a brand new home. We are both loving our house now and have no desire to go anywhere (even though the kid still lurks). I think this is a huge blessing from God - the house changes - really the whole progression of things. We have been on a tight journey with God, and He has been faithful to steer us in the right direction when we were trying to take the complete opposite path...He has shown us such wonderful things along the way. We have grown in our marriage and grown as a family in this process - it has been an incredible experience.

We still don't feel settled - there are still some pieces that need to fall into place, but I believe that is a process, and we have to walk it out. This is a tremendous time of healing from old wounds. In addition to that we are at a growing point for my business - it is time to hire people and expand into other parts of Cobb County. Just waiting on the proper timing and a clear enough head to move forward with that. I'm still struggling with my desire to be a mom. It is just not a desire I can lay down. With each passing day it seems that I lose hope - it is like a constant yo-yo in my mind -one day I'm full of hope, and the next I am hopeless. It has been especially hard this year with the holidays. I've never experienced this sadness at Christmas, but whenever I see little kids doing what little kids do I feel a pang in my heart that I've never felt before. I would definitely go ahead and start adoption proceedings if it was financially possible, but it isn't.

I guess when you break things down it doesn't seem like that much:

1. having space from family drama and healing

2. growing a business

3. having a baby

4. keeping crazy kids away :)

5. finishing touches on our house

I guess writing this was therapeutic - cleared up some of the clouds in my head. I've been so overwhelmed for some reason.

At the end of the day life is great! I have been blessed beyond measure. I know a love that is so great it is hard to comprehend. I also know that because of that love all things will fall into place - maybe not the place I would put them, but a place that is far better than I could imagine.

Finally - things are starting to settle

It has been a long year full of countless changes. Chuck and I were talking last night about putting up the Christmas tree (after Thanksgiving, of course) when we realized that last Christmas we still had Winston and Samson. I still miss both of those babies, but I'm thankful for my little Baxter & Eddie too.

This past weekend was the first weekend in probably a year that I truly enjoyed. The funny thing about enjoying it is that we did absolutely nothing special or out of the ordinary. This feeling of peace started on Friday for me. I had a lighter than normal work day, and I updated the ipod I keep in my car that morning. I listened to great music as I drove around from house to house. I put on some good worship tunes eventually, and just like old times - Jesus was sitting right there with me in the car - so close. Man - I have missed that. I really, really needed that.

On Saturday, Chuck's best friend, Matt, and Matt's father came over, and we all went to the shooting range. It was good for Chuck to hang out with his best buddy -he has been hurt so much by false friendships in the past. I think it opened up something in his heart that has been closed off when he hung out with Matt.

On Sunday, we went to a new church, First Baptist Church of Marietta. I had seen the church when I was driving around for work on Friday and decided to look up the website. I had a wonderful feeling about it from the website. Let me back up and say that for years Chuck and I have been flip flopping in and out of churches. We just haven't been able to find a place that felt like home to us. We have settled for some good places along the way, but they just never felt like the right places for us. When we got into church on Sunday morning it was like a time warp for me. I felt like I was sitting in First Missionary Baptist Church in LaGrange, NC. It woke up something in my heart that felt so wonderfully nostalgic. I used to walk to this church in LaGrange when I was a little girl. My world felt so messed up to me after my father died, and this church was my safe haven. It wasn't that I even understood what the preacher was talking about, but I knew that it felt so good and so safe, and it was a break from my world that I needed. First Baptist of Marietta felt like home - for the first time maybe ever. I loved everything about it. The worship was awesome, and the pastor had such a Father's heart. He was so humble, and had such a soothing voice that evoked fatherly love. Everyone we met was very nice. In general the feel was just so peaceful. What was even more wonderful was that after we left, Chuck felt the same way I did. We both can't wait to go back this Sunday and attend Sunday school as well as church. That is something that neither of us have cared to do in years (due to a lot of hurts that came from a previous church).

Chuck and I have been talking about moving for about as long as we have been married. We just weren't happy in Atlanta - it never felt like home, and it was the home of a lot of hurt and pain for both of us. Finally, after this weekend, just like that, this feels like home to both of us. That is something I have been longing for since I left NC in 1995. I am so thankful to finally feel settled in that regard. It's amazing how God holds you up through terrible times in your life, and even when you feel like you can't breathe anymore, He always give you that next breath to get you through. At the end of those periods (like this weekend) it never ceases to amaze me how deep His love is, and how faithful He is. I already knew all of these things, but each touch always feels as deep as the first one. The amazing thing is that just like with any relationship, the love is so much deeper the more time goes on, so when you get through these rough periods and feel that touch, the awe is much deeper as well.

I end this post feeling a great peace and happiness and most of all hope, and I am so thankful!

Dark Cloud

I feel like I stay jumbled lately - so much going on with me that I can't get grounded.

I went to my annual 'girl' appointment this morning - that will definitely tell you that you've hit 40. I think I was doing pretty well with it until this morning. I won't go into details, but all of the extra junk you have to have tested because of that magic number sucks!

It really didn't help me that my appointment fell during PMS week - I was overly emotional. I guess going to the doctor reminded me of my miscarriages and loss - something I have been struggling with even more since that magic number appeared. I could hear a lady in the next room that had just had a baby discussing life with my doctor. That made my heart hurt. I literally sat in my room praying that I wouldn't lose it until I left because I could feel the tears welling up. I think I realized on the way home that the magic number was causing me to feel like I had to give up hope - and giving up hope was even more painful than anything else - without hope there is nothing. As I was leaving the doctor's office, I saw a lady and her husband - they both looked to be mid 40s. She was very pregnant. That struck me funny - I thought - wow look at her - why am I giving up hope - what is wrong with me? Giving up hope isn't intentional, mind you. I guess it is just a deep hurt in my heart that makes me feel so weary and void of all strength to dream and long for my babies to be. I read a Word this morning that said something about being off track and not to worry because God would steer us back in the right direction. I discarded it because I didn't think it really applied to me, but as I was leaving the doctor's office and driving home, I was reminded of that Word. I think I have been off track with my heart, and I shouldn't be giving up hope. Now I can see this big, dark cloud that I have been under - for what seems like years. I don't know where it originated, but I do know that all of the negative comments I have heard over the years have only made it darker. I didn't realize that I hung on to those things. I feel like I am at the end of the dark cloud - granted I'm still under it. I pray that God will show me how to run ahead of it and never look back. It may be that He just removes it...we will see as it will happen in His timing.

This has been such a hard year on so many levels, but it has also been incredibly freeing on deep levels, and for that I am thankful!

Will post more as the cloud evaporates :)

Processing

I quit smoking for good several years ago. I say for good because I had quit smoking multiple times before that but it never stuck...at the first sign of stress I would run out and buy a pack of smokes and never look back - that is until the next time I decided to quit. I didn't quit for good until after I was married - my husband put his foot down at a time when I needed him to and wouldn't let me buy a pack of cigs. It made me realize that the nicotine fits really didn't last that long after all and weren't so bad once you got to the other side.

On the flip side of not smoking I started eating a lot more. I was also cooking a lot since I had my new hubby to cook for. I love cooking, but it was pointless to cook when I was single unless I was entertaining (which was rare). Needless to say I gained 40 pounds in about 6 months time. This was devastating to me since I had always been tiny and never had a weight problem. I didn't know what to do with the weight - didn't know how to diet. It was all foreign to me.

I've realized over the past several months that there is a pattern in my life with taking things to the extreme - cleaning (control freak), smoking, eating. God showed me that I was trying to control the things that I could - the things that brought me comfort - because there was so much in my life growing up that I couldn't control. I went to the extreme with all of these habits or defense mechanisms because I wanted to make sure no one had the power to take them away from me as I felt stripped of all else. I didn't have these things all at once - they sort of replaced each other along the way. I saw that no one ever respected my boundaries so I put up these boundaries in place in my life that couldn't be touched. I now know that I can have boundaries in my life and my heart - God given boundaries. Other people may still choose not to respect them, but I have the authority to keep them out - something I didn't have growing up.

Even after having the above revelations I still struggle with eating and weight. I realize when things are going poorly I still turn to food for comfort - mainly I just lose motivation to exercise and eat right - it's not that I binge (although I used to). Having the extra weight in itself depresses me. I realized yesterday that there was only one time that I lost all of the weight, and it was after my second miscarriage and surgery. The doctor told us that we couldn't try for a year for safety reasons - so I went all out on exercise and diet since I didn't have to worry about taking precautions for a pregnancy. It dawned on me yesterday that ever since we started trying again (over a year ago now) I have put the weight back on and exercised minimally. I don't understand the correlation just yet of my weight issues and trying to get pregnant, but I know this is the root of my weight gain. It is almost like I am trying to mask something with my weight. Maybe it is the pain of not being pregnant and not being able to have any control over it (much like my other habits in the past), but that doesn't sit quite right.

I will continue processing this until I understand, but I look forward to putting this demon in the past - along with my much larger sized jeans!